Space Pirates

Captain Terrickson Allblast, in sky-blue polyester pants, serge vest, emblazoned with insignia, arms bare to show off career tattoos, stepped onto the bridge.

Cap'n on the bridge!

Statrep, boson

Sir, unknown ship in d-space

I said statrep, not sitrep, boson

Sir, sorry sir, aft engines at one hundred-

Just fuckin with you, Boze. 

Sir of course sir sorry sir.

At ease, man. What's the U-D's bearing.

C-space in 2 minutes, Captain.

Comms, anything from command?

Negative sir. Nothing in sched and command has not req'd a civ ID.

Damn it, I was going to play golf today.

C-space in 30, Captain.

Already? Somebody's hot to trot.

Could be a fly-by, sir.

We're on all the scheds for this sector.

Flairs off Sola-3 are blocking comms from phi-quad, sir.

Might be a joy-ride, Captain.

Wishful thinking, Gunner?

Nice one, sir,

Alright. Order Z-Alpha, boys. If it's a kid with a hard-on we'll scare 'em off and I'll get in nine, at least.

And if it's pirates, they'll think we're protecting something, Captain.

I don't think I've ever seen you smile before, Gunner.

I was going to play golf today too, sir.

Right, might as well have some fun, one way or another.

C-space breached, Captain. Fast-attack class, 35 guns, collision bearing 30, attack range in 10.

Hooray, pirates.

Careful, Boze. Gunner doesn't understand sarcasm, he'll think you're as itchy as he is.

I understand sarcasm just fine, Captain, I simply choose not to use it.

Loud and clear, G. Put one over the bow, let's see what they do. 

They're opening up with all 35 sir!

What the fu- helm, chase posture, shields to aft-

Forward array knocked out, sir

Comms push me through, now, channel nine nine delta nine

Aye aye

Farragut! You asshole, what are you thinking?

Ha! Allblast! I knew it was you the moment I saw that Z-Alpha. Let me guess, you were booked for 18 at the holo-greens? Hoping you'd salvage nine?

Screw you, Farragut.

Let's make this easy. Stand down, let us board, give your boys some practice with their knives.

You'd like that, wouldn't you. Comms, out. Boson, statrep.

Engines at 85, forward array back up in three minutes.

Gunner, pull your boys out of the forward array. Helm, I want a calc on our a-space overlap, stat.

Sir, if you're sacking the array, evac in that section will take ten minutes at least.

Loud and clear, Boson, but don't worry about what I'm thinking. Helm?

As long as shields hold, sir, we can overlap to their forward, 10 guns, tops.

Hail from pirate ship sir.

On. Fuck you want, Farragut?

Do you think me stupid, Allblast? I know you won't sac that array while you've got your boys in there. Stand down, stop wasting rods, we'll leave you enough to hobble back to command, you have my word.

You've been out of the game too long, Farragut. We're full andro in our arrays now, why do you think I shifted shields?

I've dodged sacced arrays before you miserable shit.

Fine, and while you do, we'll jump out of your c-space, descramble, and have a nice welcoming party ready when you run out of hyper.

You're running? I didn't take you for a chicken, Allblast. They have a tattoo for that one?

Comms, are we cleared for video?

Negative sir.

Can you describe for our pirate friend what I'm doing right now?

It appears you are holding up your middle finger, Captain.

Out!

I think you made him mad, Captain.

Either that or he's a good actor. Sam, you there?

Go ahead Terrick.

We're going to fake an aft shield malfunction, let them board. Your boys ready?

One of them is licking his own knife.

What?

Says he wants to know how it'll taste different after it's been in some pirate guts.

Loud and clear Sam. They'll probably come in over the top.

Oh, it's Farragut then. This should be fun.

Smith, I need you to drop a shield. Divert the blast to, I don't know, H section.

Aye aye sir.

So much for our golf game today, sir.

Don't worry, Gunner, we'll find another way to have fun. Boson, you okay?

Sorry sir.

It's all good, son. If I had a credit for every time a hull breach knocked me on my ass, I'd be playing on Terra for real instead of these miserable holodecks.

At this speed they'll have all 35 in overlap in about 5 seconds, Captain.

Yeah but Farragut's a greedy little fuck, isn't he. He'll want to see what we're carrying before he tries to melt us.

They're keeping guns hot but not firing sir.

Anti-grapple at 50%

Perfect. Here's what gonna happen, Boze. We'll shrug off a few grapples, but then let them on.  Dance with them for a while, until Gunner's men are out of forward. Then we'll pop the grapple, start the jump to d-space. They'll pull back who they can and fire a salvo, but we'll drop the forward to block it, and it's bye bye Farragut, you Errol-Flynn wannabe.

Errol-who, sir?

Nevermind. And hold on to something, Boze, when they-

Sorry sir.

You'll get used to it, son.