The Thirsty Bird Bottle-o

It’s 42 degrees celsius outside, the heat is melting the asphalt, and the sun will cook any eggs left outside. That is to be expected, of course, it’s absolutely essential for a true-blue celebration of Australia Day!

Barney and Maggie are pioneers today, doing what few birdpeople have successfully done before… They are going up to the Thirsty Bird Bottle-o for a slab of beer after having already demolished their first slab earlier in the afternoon. Those two are birds of a feather, despite Barney being quite a night owl and Maggie being an obnoxious daylight swooper. The heat isn’t their greatest adversary on this afternoon’s mission; the hill they have to climb to get to the bottle-o while completely wasted is a whole other ball-game.

Old Barney waddles onward, feathers damp like he was just caught in a downpour, while Maggie stalks forward energetically, her beak acting like an infallible compass pointing toward their local watering hole.

“Wait, wait, we gotta get a snag. Snag…” Barney slurs.

“It’s 3 o’clock, Hummings sausage sizzle is long gone! C’mon, we’re nearly there buddy! I can see the bottle-o.”

As they pass Barbeques Galah, Barney’s usually wide eyes drop with exhaustion and disappointment as he looks longingly behind toward Hummings Warehouse. Their cook-ups are second to none and a sausage in bread with caramelised onion and tomato sauce goes a long way for old Barney.

“Okay, we get the grog, and then you owe me a sausage,” Barney grumbles.

“Hah! Deal. I have loads in the back fridge. We’ll need more space to chill our haul, so I cook it all up. I’ll give you a feast, mate.”

Barney’s round black eyes shift to the Bird Bath & Beyond on the other side of the car park.

“Wait, let’s take a break. They probably have the A.C cracking. Just for a minute! I’m not the young *hic* barn owl I used to be!”

“Pfft! Don’t give me that. We are nearly there. Just look ahead!” Maggie hops ahead, but the heat is getting to her, too, and she only manages a couple of short hops in pace with old Barney.

Her companion twists his head back and hope lifts his wings as he sees the watering-hole on the crest of the hill, ready to welcome them into its shade.

“Last one there is a rotten egg!”

Barney hobbles forward as fast as his long legs will take him, looking thin with his feathers drenched with sweat; only his beer belly betrays him. He moves too quickly, and his body tilts as he powers onward, at risk of falling down the hill. The old bird pulls out his faithful party-trick and twists his head to focus forward, keeping his balance despite the sway.

Maggie warbles out a singing laugh and races forward, agile, fierce, a black and white blur as she races ahead. Her success doesn’t last long. She veers off the path and crashes spectacularly into shrubs by the round-a-bout at the top of the hill, crooked legs sticking out.

Soft groans sound from the bush as Barney arrives, but before he can say anything, a familiar voice sounds from behind them.

“Shoulda known I’d see you two here. Drunk and disorderly at Pizza Plover’s last year, and now you are making a mess of yourselves at Partridge Plaza. What’s wrong with just having a quiet afternoon at Duckbucks coffee?”

Barney straightens, trying to puff out his feathers and widening his eyes as if to look more intimidating.

“Fancy seein’ you here. You’re the drunk, Cocki!”

If Officer Cocki had eyebrows, he would raise them. Instead, his yellow crest stretches high above his head, the equivalent power-move as flashing his badge. His thick, grey beak looks mighty threatening.

“It’s a bit late for you to be out, Barney. Don’t you have work tonight?”

“Nah, got the night off,” Barney says proudly, pulling Maggie out of the shrubs and dragging her through to the bottle-o.

Officer Cocki stands at the entrance, watching them like a hawk as they lug a slab of beer up to the counter. The poor clerk, Willy, looks nervously at Cocki.

“Sorry, but I can’t serve you this afternoon.”

“Willy! Don’t you betray us like this!”

Willy wags his black tail anxiously. “Well, I can’t change the rules. You look like you have had a big day and I want to help you keep having a good time, but I’m not able to sell you anything. Maybe you could come back tonight...”

Willy quakes with fear as he waits for Cocki to intervene. Truth be told, if Cocki wasn’t here, he would sell to Barney and Maggie even if they are already sloshed.

“This is outrageous!” cries Maggie.

“Discrimination!” hoots Barney. “I ain’t no *hic* owlcoholic!”

Maggie spots the gleam of the cans inside the box, and her aggressive nature takes over. “Barney, grab the beer!”

The magpie braces her wings and legs and swoops toward Cocki, beak forward, eyes glowing with anger. She turns around, and charges him again, yelling at the top of her lungs. Barney is already awkwardly running down the hill while cradling the box of beer to his chest.

Cocki lets out an ear-splitting screech. Willy nearly levitates. Maggie jumps with fright before taking off after Barney in the chase of a lifetime.

They conquered the uphill, but the downhill is a new challenge. Their legs are wobbly, the heat is radiating down on them, and they can barely breathe, but they can’t afford to slow down now. An angry cockatoo is in hot pursuit.

Barney feels as awkward as an owlet, all legs and no wings while holding the case of beer like his life depends on it. The extra weight sends him speeding downhill with the momentum, leaving Partridge Plaza in the dust and Maggie struggling to keep up!

Cocki’s screeches behind them are terrifying, but also so exhilarating! It feels like they are young birds again pulling off a great heist, like Mr. Gull taught them how to steal hot chips.

The beer is Maggie’s concern, but Barney has his sights set on the real prize: a fresh sausage sizzle cooked by Maggie if he can get this slab home. That is all the motivation he needs to dash out across the road, knowing Maggie will swoop to the right just behind him. She is a master at dodging traffic, almost letting her feathers touch the vehicles, but always with total awareness. Barney usually isn't that graceful, but he is hungry, and that's all that matters!

Poor Cocki, however, is notorious for causing traffic accidents, despite the responsibility of setting a good example. The reliable bird he is, Officer Cocki dives straight into the side door of a Jeep, copping a concussion and flattening his yellow crest atop his head.

With that, Barney and Maggie go down in bird history as the first birds to conquer a trip uphill to the Thirsty-Bird Bottle-o while drunk, and survive a police chase without falling over.