Living Without Alice

Greif is an ever changing battle of thoughts and emotions, that often contradict one another. One moment, you're cursing at the sky for taking someone from you. The next, you're speaking softly at the stars, asking them to take care of your loved one. The truth about loss is, Sometimes they leave you in the most jarring, gut wrenching, snap your heart out of your chest ways. I don't want to say my loss is greater than anyone elses. But the day I lost Alice, was the worst pain I'd ever felt. I wish I could call her, ask her why. Ask her how she is. But I can't, because she's dead.

I should have noticed. Her eyes, they seemed so hallow, so empty. They'd been like that for some time; but mine get that way sometimes too. She stopped smiling that spectacular smile of hers. The one that could light up any room, and always made me feel better. Some days I wake up, look out my window and expect to see Alice staring back at me, giving me a teasing look before shutting her curtains.

I miss her smile, her sweet ways, her awkward laugh, the way she'd tease me yet somehow it comforted me. I miss seeing her hair swish in the sunlight as we walk to the bus stop. I miss her late night rants, going on about things that, truly, at the end of the day, didn't matter. I miss how she'd get hung up on the small things. How she'd always be by my side. To protect me, to comfort me and to be my companion.

I just miss my best friend.

I'm stuck wondering late at night, by myself. Wondering if things could of changed. If I'd been less up my own ass, if I'd of been able to see what she was going through. We'd been through it before. We both went through some tough times our Freshman year, We had been each other's anchors. We got through it, and yes we still had our bad days, but for the most part we had been doing well. Maybe that was the problem. I diagnosed us as a pair, not our own entities. I'd forgotten, however temporarily, that we both had different feelings about things.

I sigh, looking over at my alarm clock. I didn't really care that I'd be late for class, but in the back of my head I could hear Alice nagging at me. I couldn't help but give a small smile as I thought about her.

I stand up, and as I had every morning, I look out into Alice's window. We'd been neighbors since we were five. I remember the day Alice found out one of the bedrooms her dad intended to use as an office had a window facing my bedroom window. She threw a fit until they let her take that room as her bedroom. Now, staring out at the vacant, empty room, a solid, sick feeling fills my stomach. She used to talk to me on stormy, rainy nights to keep me company. I thought I'd grow out of this nonsensical fear, but no matter how old I got, it was still there.

As I shuffle through my clothes, I come across a scraggly fabric. Knowing exactly what it is, I stop. Alice's parents couldn't take it, after she passed. They packed up and left the day after the funeral. They'd stopped by the house, and handed me a small box of Alice's things. Among them were things I'd forgotten about long ago, and things I try not to remember now.

The bandanna was crusty, from over-use and Alice's habit to put way too much detergent in the washer, as well as hairspray in her hair. It seemed odd and unsanitary, but to me this bandana was everything. It was a symbol of our promise. To always tell the truth and be understanding with one another. She'd made me take an oath, after her other friends at school turned their backs on her, we were still pretty little back then. She was a resilient person, but she'd never felt betrayed like that before, and it hurt her deep. I think we both knew we'd be honest even without a promise. But to her it was important, so it made it important to me.

I place the bandanna down, grabbing a warm flannel and gathering my school supplies. I reach down and fasten my leg brace before checking myself over in the mirror. There's a light knock at the door. "Tyler? Honey?" Her voice was gentle, cautious, the words of a worried mother. "Yeah, Ma?" I walk over and open the door. She looked like a mess. She had ever since Alice. My mother, the confident, businesswoman, pants suit wearing, I'm the boss of you, was standing before me a different woman. Her hair, like a stack of hay, stuck in a half hearted bun and obviously not washed or brushed for several days. She wore no makeup, which depended the circles under her eyes, which were red and puffy. She was still in her pajamas.

From the looks of it, you'd think my mom was having the toughest time with all fo this. Me and Alice were close, but so were our families. My mom saw Alice as a daughter, even teased me about marrying her she she could really be my mom's daughter.

I knew a lot of it was mourning over Alice. But she didn't just lose Alice. She lost her neighbors, her friends. And to some degree, she'd lost her son. I'd always been a pessimist, since I was little. But it was obvious, to me and everyone else, I was in a depressive state. It had been months since she passed, since my life had changed. Yet I still felt stuck. She could see it, which probably made her even more sad.

"Honey, are you sure you want to go to school today?" She'd asked me that question every day for the past month. "Mom I can't just stop going to school. It could get you in trouble." Which, was my response every day. "I just.. " She mumbles, "You're having a much harder time than when your dad.." I shook my head, "Dad was sick, mom. I had time to accept it while he was still here. With Alice.." She pats my shoulder. "I love you, call me if you need anything." I nod, shouldering my backpack and walking downstairs. As I reach for the handle, my other hand impulsively reaches down to the small necklace around my neck, rubbing my thumb and forefinger over the smooth, metallic 'A'.

It had been Alice's. But unlike the bandana, she'd given it to me herself, shortly before she passed. It was the greatest object of sentimentality I'd ever owned. It had become a habit of mine, to touch the necklace, whenever I started to get overwhelmed when I missed her.

The door opens, and seeing that cherry red pickup peek out from under the weighted tarp in my driveway, gave me the false hope that she'd be standing nearby, smiling, dangling the keys out in front of me.

I turn away, knowing that wasn't going to happen. I'd never see those twirling locks bounce in the sun again. I keep trying to push the reality into my dreamer head. But no matter how many times I tell myself she's dead, I have thoughts of what she's doing, when she'll show up, every time I'm anywhere in our town. Sometimes, I take that Cherry truck out of the city late at night, and just drive to a remote location. My chest will get lighter and lighter the further I get away from everything. The eyes and whispers fade, My mother's soft words, her change in demeanor, a thing in the past.

Sometimes when I sit in the bed of the truck, looking up at the stars, I get this strong urge to just scream. I don't have any words to scream, I just want to force the pain out of me, deflate my body of mourning. To disappear.

I continue walking towards the bus stop. I couldn't bring myself to drive Alice's car during the day. I knew the looks and whispers would only increase. And I anted it to stay a special place between me and her. Her parents had gifted it to me as well, leaving me with the pain they couldn't burden to carry with them. Some days I felt grateful for this, and others I felt like I was condemned.

The yellow bus trembled along the road, pulling up next to me. I got in, looking down at the floor, pretending I was as invisible as I wished to be. I made my way to the back, so at least I could see if people were staring at me. As the bus began moving again, quivering along the dirt path, I put in my earbuds as I stared out the window, wishing I could just transport myself to the end of my day.

I didn't have the heart to tell my mom what a living hell school had become for me. It hadn't been all that great before, but now, without Alice everything was heightened. I got stares of sympathy, picked on, or worse, looked at like I'd killed her or something. All I wished was that I could become invisible. Away from all the accusatory eyes, who knew nothing about me and Alice, nothing about how much I'd trade my life for hers this very moment. She hadn't been popular, in the sense that everyone liked her, but everyone knew her and knew she didn't put up with people's bullshit. It was that strength of hers that made up for my inability to do so for myself. She became my shield. Nobody would mess with the kid who had a limp and a dead dad while she was around.

Yet somehow I was now the kid with a dead dad and best friend. What is it about death that makes people so cruel? Is it because they're uncomfortable and don't know how to deal with the loss, no matter how removed from their lives the person was?

The worst part of being on the bus was, I knew we'd pass it. One of the stops was across the street from the cemetery, and right by the iron rod gate, next to a large sycamore tree, was her gravestone. As if it weren't bad enough I was surrounded by the absence of her at home, seeing the definitive proof that she's gone forever, made me not want to believe in anything anymore. I didn't want to think of my future, what I'd do after I graduated this year, what would happen to my house, her house, her things, my memories of her. None of it. I wanted to believe in none of it.

I feel my heart begin to pound louder. I turn up my music, wiping away a tear, before staring to see if anyone had seen. For once, my plea to be invisible seemed to have worked, if only for a moment. I steady out my breathing, forcing myself to find the melody of the song.

The bus finally pulls up to the school entrance. Like the herded cattle we were, we all started to get off, sauntering back and forth. As I reach the steps to get off the bus, I find myself falling. In a panic, I tried to grab for something to hold onto. But there was nothing but the bus doors, which were far out of my reach already.

I smack hard on the concrete, a forceful, shooting pain in my nasal cavity. I roll onto my back, holding my face, a warm hot liquid I assumed was blood, trickling onto my hands. The swarm of people exiting didn't stop, they just went around me, like the parting of the red sea. So consumed in my own pain, I almost don't see the figure standing over me, laughing.

His large stature was only amplified from my angle on the ground, the sunlight catching wisps of his hair, highlighting them in a glorious light. He scrunched up his crooked nose with a smug look. He didn't say anything. he didn't have to. I knew Davis had pushed me, and though he wanted to rub it in my face, he knew admitting to it out loud could get him in trouble.

Until recently, I'd been untouchable, and Davis had for some ungodly reason always hated me. Even back in preschool, the first few weeks, before Alice moved here, him and his friends would gang up on me and make fun of me for my leg brace. But once Alice showed up, she wailed on him until he was bleeding, and he'd not really tried anything since. Just passing comments as I'm in the hall, giving me dirty looks, that sort of thing. But ever since I'd come back to school, it was like open season.

I stand up, still holding my nose. Now that the pain had subsided and I wasn't making a contorted face, Davis seemed to get bored and he moved on to most likely torment someone else. I sigh, and make my way to the nurse's office.

Between seeing the nurse, dodging Davis, and trying to concentrate on something other than Alice's absence; I was exhausted. My stomach ached. I'd unsuccessfully hidden from Davis, he'd found me at lunch. Like a textbook bully, he knocked my food out of my hands and hit me in the stomach, all while making it look like we were best friends just playing around. Hot tears had welled up in my eyes and Davis leaned over and whispered to me. "I'd kill myself too, if you were my only friend."

The bus tremored as it made it's way down the dirt road to the cemetery. The doors open and I decide to give Alice a visit. I get a few stares as I get off, but nobody says anything. As I make my way off the bus, I realize the tips of my hair were covered in blood, no doubt from this morning. I sigh, thankful I'd noticed it before going home. With my blond hair, it would of been an instant giveaway to my mother.

As I wait for the bus to leave so I can cross the street, I think back to my mother's words every morning. Why do I make myself keep going? She's more than willing to take me out, or homeschool me. So why do I keep going there? The dust spits up from underneath the tires of the bus, coating the air in a thick, coated fog. I make my way across the road, and to the entranced to the cemetery.

I sit down, leaning against the tree, facing Alice's grave. "Hey A." My greeting's followed by the rustle of leaves in the wind, but no response. "I miss you. I knew you'd kick me if I dropped out, so I'm still going to that miserable school. Davis got me pretty good today. Twice. I'm sure you'd kick him a new hole to breathe through if you were still here." I can't help but chuckle, despite the small tears building up in my eyes.

The flowers around her grave were long withered, scattered all around. "Sorry I didn't bring you new flowers. That was pretty stupid of me, huh? Alice. I miss you, and I don't want to let you go. I wish you'd just.. I wish.."

I leave it at that, bursting into tears, unsure of what I was even going to wish for. I wipe them away, muttering, "I still can't even make it through a storm without you. How am I supposed to get through life, then?"

I wasn't sure who I was talking to. I didn't exactly buy into the whole 'Angels' thing. I knew I could act like I was talking to Alice all I wanted, at least here. At home, mom would probably call a psychologist and make me go back to therapy. Here, at the very least I could just vent and not have to worry about anybody except the bodies in the ground.

I look up, and notice the sky turning gray and dark. I hadn't been there very long yet it looked late in the evening. A light rain begins. "I'm not leaving, Alice. You have to answer at least one of my questions. I don't know what to do." I yell over the thrumming of rain. "What am I going to do without you? Huh?"

The rain begins to race, drenching my clothes and backpack. I sat, waiting for a response I knew wouldn't come. I was upset, and afraid. I wasn't sure what to do, or if I should move. My pain, mixed in with the fear of storms heightened my emotions to an unbearable amount. My hands were icebergs, and my feet felt heavy. My eyes began to close, tired from crying. Before I knew it I was falling asleep. The last thought that crossed my mind before I succumbed was; maybe I'll die from hypothermia, and get to see you again.

I feel a poke on my side. I roll over in my bed, groaning. My eyes slowly open. I'm facing my bedroom window, and as things start to go into focus, I see strands of sunlight, dancing. A halo of brown and gold, highlighting her hair as she sat on my windowsill. "Hey, Tyler."

I wasn't sure if I was still asleep or had lost it. But I didn't want to move and risk losing her. She was in a long, white sweater and blue jeans. Her hair was down, and swished in the sunlight every time she moved her head slightly. Those soft, kind orbs of emerald stared back at me, flecks of brown dancing inside them. She looked well rested, and calm. She was exactly how I remembered her, yet somehow even more amazing.

She begins to fidget, sitting there. "Well, say something!" I stayed still, just taking a few more moments to study every feature, remember every line of her face. If this was a dream and she disappears, I wanted to take in every second of it. "Okay, I'm getting annoyed. Speak, Tyler! You have no idea what I had to do to be here right now." She said, obviously more desperate than annoyed.

"You're beautiful."

I waited. Waited for her to poof- vanish, for me to realize I was in a state of psychosis brought on by grief. For something to happen to make her go away. But she just stood there, her eyes pushed to the floor and her cheeks budding like roses. It was something I'd wanted to tell her for a long time. I figured even if I was crazy, I should tell her. There was a long bout of silence.

A small chuckle escapes her lips. I tilt my head, watching her. "Really? your friend comes back from the dead and the first thing you have to say is that? Not 'how the heck are you here right now?' or 'i missed you' or even 'aaah! a zombie!'?" She continues to chuckle. I stay quiet, still unsure of what was going on. I watched as her lips curled up, the corners kneading out her hidden dimples, which I'd long forgotten. Something so small as dimples, yet now that I remembered them It felt like the world was ending. How could I of forgotten those dimples; eloquently placed on her soft, rosy cheeks?

"Again with the silence?" She waves a hand close to my face. "Hello? Tyler?" I reach out, grabbing her hand. It's warm, soft, full of life and blood, tissues and all the other things that make who I'm seeing... what I'm seeing.. real. Alice was actually standing in front of me. Alive.

I pull on her hand and she comes barreling into me, as I wrap her in a large hug, with the intent to never let her go. She pats my back for a while as I hold on with a mixture of shock and relief. "I can't believe you're here right now." My words almost suffocated by her hair, that seemed to always be everywhere whenever we'd hang out.

She pulls away, "I.. can't really explain that or else I'd have to leave." I nod, "Say no more. I have a lot.. a LOT of questions. But none of them are dire enough for answering if it means you leave me again." She sighed, turning away from me. "Alice?" I could hear her clicking her tongue, something she did when she was thinking.

She swivels back around on her heel, her face serious, determined. "Listen, we gotta go to school. All I can say really is that only you can see me, hear me, or touch me." I sit up, placing my feet on the floor. "What do you mean?" she clicks her tongue furiously. "It's hard to explain, okay? I guess.. think of me like a ghost, if that makes things simpler for you."

"A ghost?" My unamused, deadpan reply almost sent her into a fit of laughter, I could see her holding it back.

"Yeah well not exactly but basically I'm your afterlife stalker? I don't know. That's really all I can tell you." I laugh, standing up. "I'm so confused. But I'm just so glad to see you again. To talk to you." She nods her head, "Yeah, I'm glad to see you too. Now come on. School!"

"Whoa! you're miraculously back from the dead or whatever. or like a ghost? And you want me to go to school?" She nods profusely. I sigh, dreading that hell hole. "Fine." she claps her hands, throws me a T-shirt, then before my eyes disappears.

"A- Alice?" My heart races as I call out to her. Had her ghostly connection fizzed out? Or.. whatever let her be here? Before my thoughts could get too far in a spiral, she reappeared where she had been standing. "Calm down, I was giving you privacy. Hurry and change." Then just like that, she was gone again. I stared around the room in amazement. though she was out of sight, I could sense her impatience growing, so I threw on the shirt and danced my way into a pair of black jeans. I had no sooner scooped up my backpack when she reappeared, now by my bedroom door. I look over at hear, and can't hide the big cheese eating grin on my face.

There she was, my best friend. Alive.. well, kind of.

A knock came at the door. "Tyler?" came my mother's soft, gentle voice. I settled myself down, and opened the door. "Do you want to go to school? It's okay if you don't." I shook my head, trying to curb my enthusiasm so my mother didn't get too worried in my sudden change of demeanor. "No mom, It's okay. I think today's going to be an okay day." Her tired eyes widened, then softened into a smile. "I'm glad to hear that honey. Just let me know if anything changes. I love you." I nod, heading down the stairs and to the door. As I open it, I see Alice standing there. "Your moms been looking kind of.."

"Rough? Yeah." I nod, as we walk down to the bus stop. "I've been watching her for a while. I think you need to hug her more." I turn, giving her a perplexed look. "That's a weird conclusion to come to." She shrugs, "Yet here I am, telling you that's what you need to do. I nod, "Okay, I'm not arguing with you. I'm sure more hugs could never hurt anything." We get to the bus stop, and I look around at the two others standing waiting for the bus. Alice bounced, zipped and skirted around them, laughing. "This is super fun but also very weird." She commented.

I opened my mouth to tell her to knock it off, but stopped. They truly couldn't see or hear her. And as much as I wanted her to calm down, I knew me saying "Stop that" to two kids who were literally just standing there would make me look like I've lost it. The bus pulls up and I get on, heading towards the back. Alice appears before me, causing me to jump. She points to the seat I was about to pass. I sigh, taking a seat.

There was a girl sitting there, long rub hair and spackled freckles covering her face. She looked up at me for a moment, then back own to her phone. I looked at Alice, sitting in the middle of the aisle next to me. I give her a "what do you want from me?" look. She signs for me to talk. I nervously bounce my good leg as I look up at the ceiling, thinking of something to say. Anything to appease queen Alice. I glance over and notice the girl is wearing a backpack full of metal bottle caps.

"Cool bag." I say, pointing. She looks up, then down at her bag before smiling. "Thanks I made it myself."

"That's super cool.. Where did you get all of them from? do you like soda that much?" She let out a shy, small laugh. "No, uh actually, I find them a lot on the beach when I visit my grandmother in California. I started collecting them and this kind of just.. happened." I smile, "I'm Tyler."

"Chloe." She responds. I'm surprised at how easy our conversation goes. It had been such a long time since I'd really talked to anyone about anything normal and mundane. It was usually about Alice, with my mother or no conversations at all. This was nice.

I didn't realize until the bus had stopped at the school, that Alice was no longer beside me. I felt a bit of panic well up inside of me, but tried to calm myself. I knew this time she wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. As Me and Chloe get off of the bus she shoves a piece of paper into my hand before taking off inside. I unroll the piece of paper. It's a note.

"Thanks for talking to me.

-Chloe, 1-xxx-xxx-xxxx "

Suddenly Alice was at my side again. "Oooh already getting a girl's number huh?" I shrug her off as I begin to walk into the building. I wanted to tell Alice that it wasn't like that with Chloe, and that she'd been the one telling me to talk to her in the first place. But what good would it do? She already knew how I felt. Reminding her wouldn't do us any good. I whisper under my breath to Alice, "What was that about anyway?" She shook her head, "You know."

I twirl around to tell her that, no, i didn't know. But who I came to face wasn't my dead friend, but Davis. Seeing him made my nose begin to ache again, remembering yesterday. He gives me an ugly look, pushing me out of his way. "Out of my way, Limpy." He laughs at his own joke as he continues to walk away. I sigh, pulling on my backpack straps as I continue to my locker. Alice appears at my side, speed walking to keep up with me, vanishing as she walked through people and reappearing moments later. "Tyler, you're really gonna take that from him?" I just shrug.

"I always have, Alice. It was you that had the issue with it." She sighs angrily. "Tyler, you're such an idiot. Davis is literally such a baby, I promise. I know you think- thought- that I was some big knight in shining armor, but all I did was talk back to him. He's a lot more sensitive than you or me." I roll my eyes, "Sure, Alice."

I open my locker and begin to put my stuff away. I turn around, and there's Davis again. Standing near the hallway entrance, the hallway I needed to use to get to class. I sigh, As I make my way over. Before I have time to brace myself, he throws his foot out and I go stumbling to the floor. I put my books out in front of my face to protect my nose. I land softly and look to see Alice had caught me close to the floor, so to onlookers it still seemed like I fell.

I gave her a 'thank you' stare, before I stood up. "Are you going to take that from him? Really? Tell him off!" Alice was not happy. "What would that solve? I'd just get hurt more." I shook my head. Whatever courage I had in me had been idle for so long I didn't know how to even call on it anymore. She stomps her foot, annoyed. "Stand up for yourself, Tyler! Do it or I'm leaving right now!"

I hated that she used her presence to push me to do something I didn't want to. But I knew she had good intentions. So instead of starting an argument with a ghost only I could see, I turned and faced Davis. "What? What did you say? Do you got something to say to me?" He puffs up his chest, trying to intimidate me. It was working, but I suddenly realized the thought of losing Alice again was a hell of a lot scarier than standing up to Davis. I take a deep breath.

"You know what Davis? I do have something to say to you. I've had something to say to you for a long time, but I held back." Davis laughs, looking at his friends. "Come on then, spit it out so I can punch you and get to class."

"You're a fucking coward, Davis. You pick on the weak just to make yourself looks strong. Wake up though, Davis. You're in the year 202x nobody thinks it's cool to pick on the disabled. Nobody thinks its funny to make fun of someone's dead friends or parents. Nobody here really genuinely likes you, Davis. You're a coward and an ugly person on the inside. So go ahead, punch me. Hit me, call me Limpy. All you're doing is making yourself look like an ass." I didn't realize I had so much inside of me. Once I started to speak, the words came so easily, like they'd been there all along.

There's a long silence in our general area, those who'd heard stopped and stared, a few silently nodded in agreement. I braced myself for the beating of a lifetime, But it didn't come. Davis looked around at the small crowd, of 8 or 9 students, his mouth agape.

He pushed his friends to the side, who were also silent. He walked away without a word. There's one more moment of stillness, before everyone continues on with their mornings. I looked around for Alice, but she was gone. I once again wanted to go searching for her, but really, what good would that do? it seemed she only appeared when she wanted to.

I make the rest of my way to class without incident. Every once in a while, Alice pops in, sitting on the floor next to my desk, or making a funny comment into my ear. It really felt like I had my best friend back, and for a moment, I forgot that this was most likely temporary.

I had a genuine smile across my face as I made my way to lunch. I see Davis, standing a few feet away from me. He was off to himself, back pushed up against the wall. His eyes kept shifting, he seemed unsure and scared. Nobody dared to look in his direction. I was confused, until I overheard some gossiping girls as they passed.

"Davis really did that? You've got to be kidding me!" The blonde giggled. Her auburn haired friend replied, "yes I was right there! Absolute tears sliding down his cheeks. I don't think he's ever cried in his life." they both giggle again. "I guess a few people had enough of his bullying and dished it back out to him." The Auburn haired girl shrugs. the blonde turns to her, " wait, more than the guy this morning?" Her friend just nods. I try to make out more, but they were too far away now. I should of been happy. I should of felt elated, that my words had not only reached him, but inspired others to stand up as well.

But all I felt was a deep, rooted feeling. Like I was stuck and sickly. Was this guilt? Alice appeared at my side. "What's up? you don't look happy."

"Yeah, I don't know. I feel bad."

"Well, you shouldn't! He was such a jerk to you!"

I wave her off, as I begin to walk towards Davis. when he sees me his eyes get wide. "What do you want?" I reach out a hand. He stares at it, confused. "Listen Davis. I wanted to say I was sorry. I can't take back what I said, and a lot of it I meant. But it wasn't right of me to call you out like that in front of everybody. I don't know if this is going to change things for you, or between us. But I just wanna say I think we're even now, so if you want we can have a clean re-start." he huffed, turning away form me.

There was a somberness in his eyes that made me think he was being stubborn. I knew it was probably too soon. You cant change a lifetime of mindsets and habits in a single day. My hands goes back to my side. "That's okay, I get it. But if you ever want that fresh start, let me know."

I turn and walk away, grabbing a lunch tray as I stood in line. Alice appears before me, speechless. "Wow Tyler. Not even I'm a big enough of a person to do what you just did.... Why DID you do that just now?"

"I don't really know. I was thinking about how his life just suddenly changed. It seems his friends are either embarrassed to be seen with him or wrote him off completely. Everyone was whispering about him but refusing to interact. He probably felt like the whole world hated him. I didn't feel like it was exactly my fault, but I felt guilty. I think I was worried about him doing something." I shrug, looking around, thankful those near me all had earbuds in. I take my old scraggly pair of earbuds out and place one in my ear, so I can keep talking to Alice, pretending I'm in a call.

"You mean, doing something Like what I did?" she asks. I nod back. "Even if he was my bully, even if I did hate him, what good do those emotions have if all it does is lead to more death? Alice, I'm not saying we'll ever be friends. But maybe having one less person who hates him for all he's done is enough of a burden for him to become a better person, or at least mend the wounds he's caused."

She nods, introspectively. "I'm really proud of you, Tyler." I smile, grabbing my food. As I look at the cafeteria, I see rows of people, clicks, friends, groups. I wonder where it is I'd fit in in all of this, in the future. Suddenly, I see a fiery mess of red hair jump up, an arm waving me over. It was Chloe. I wave back, before heading towards where she was. "Hey, you wanna sit with us?" She asks, pointing to her small group. It was an odd collection of people.

There was Chloe, who was quirky but seemed to be the artsy environmentalist type. Next to her was a girl with bright green hair, and shaved eyebrows, sporting a punk look, but was in a deep conversation about why Mean Girls was an amazing movie. There were two guys at the table, one was wearing a soccer jersey, had a decent amount of blush on and was getting his fingernails painted. The other had a scruffy beard and looked like he'd play the part of a lumberjack in a movie one day, and was the one painting the other's fingernails, while deep in conversation about Mean Girls. And then there was me.

I sat down on the end, by Chloe. She introduced me to all of her friends, and they embraced me into their group immediately. We talked and laughed and went into deep conversations. From the corner of my eye, I could see Alice watching, a large smile on her face.

Before I knew it, the school day had concluded. I got on the bus, and talked to Chloe. When we approached the bus stop by the cemetery, Alice motioned for me to get off. I waved goodbye to Chloe, and did as I was asked by Alice. As we make our way into the cemetery, I finally ask the question that's been on my tongue all day. "Hey Alice, what was all of that today? Making me talk to Chloe, stand up to Davis... " Alice smiled, walking along side me. "I just wanted you to see your life can change, but you have to put that change into action for anything to happen." I sat with her words for a moment. "Thanks Alice."

I take a seat down at the tree, facing Alice who was sitting atop of her headstone. "Hey, Tyler. I.. gotta tell you something." I look at her expectantly. "This... is where I leave you."

"What do you mean?" She scratches her arm for a quick second before answering. "I only got today, Ty. From the moment I showed up last night, I only got 24 hours here with you."

"Last night? That makes no sense you showed up this morning." She shook her head, "How the hell do you think your dumb butt got home after you passed out in the rain? That was me." I moment of realization hit me, and I wanted to beat myself up. If I'd just stayed awake, I'd of had more time with her. "Stop it, I know what you're doing. no matter what all i was gonna get was 24 hours. It's just how it works." I sigh, trying to let go, at least for a moment.

"How are your parents?" I ask. She shrugs, "My mom started a charity in their new town, they named it Alice's Toy Box. It's for kids who come from low income families. I don't exactly know what that has to do with me, but its good to see them smiling again." I nod, "I'm glad to hear it. I didn't even really get to say goodbye either. They just popped in after the funeral, gave me a box of your stuff and your pickup and then bam- they were gone."

"Not saying goodbye must run in the family or something.." She mutters. There's a long pause, as thoughts about her death sprung up. My chest felt tight and I couldn't hold onto the questions I told myself I wouldn't burden her with. I wanted our time together to be special and happy. I knew this could start a fight.

"I'm sorry Alice, I just.. I don't understand! Why did you do it? Why couldn't you come to me? Or your mom? Hell, my mom?" I tried to keep my voice down, the emotions of the past few months, missing her, feeling guilty, reliving the trauma of my father's death, having her items forced on me, everything.

"I .. just.. I honestly can't even remember anymore. I felt trapped. Everything else is fuzzy... Why I felt the way I did.. How I died.. Even what I did that whole day is just.. gone." I could tell by her somber tone she was telling the truth, and there was still a murky water of pain in her, she just couldn't quite pinpoint it. "Don't you regret it?" I wasn't sure if I wanted her to say yes or no, but I found myself asking these questions without really expecting an answer I'd like anyways.

She shrugged, "Honestly, yes. But there's no going back now, you know that Tyler. So what's the point in regretting now?" I stand up, dusting myself off, feeling my eyes begin to glisten as the breeze picks up.

"Well.. it.. was it me?" My voice lost all it's strength as I vocalized my worst fear. "I mean, I loved- I love you Alice, if my feelings were too overbearing why didn't you just tell me?" She shakes her head, placing a hand over my chest. "Tyler, no. No your feelings were never the problem. Really. I wish I could give you the whole truth, explain every bit of it. But I don't want to hurt you."

My arms fly out to my sides, "Do it, Alice. Just do it. I can't just sit here like this, now knowing you could disappear at any second, and not hear this from you. Please." She sighs, running her hands through her hair. "I.. do.." She sputters, clicking her tongue looking for the right words. "You remember the night i gave you that?" she points to the necklace around my neck. I nod. "Of course. How could I forget?"

"Everything that night that I said.. Wasn't true, for the most part." I could see her nose reddening, a tell tale sign she was going to start crying soon. I take a step towards her, resisting he urge to just hug her. "what do you mean, A?"

"When you said that.. that you liked me I was horrified. Not because it was gross or I hadn't thought about it before. But because I'd already made up my mind." I never expected her answer to comfort me, hell I was ready for her to hurt me, but I didn't see this coming and it made me all the more angry.

"About this? Is this what you'd already made up your mind about?" I ask, pointing to her grave. She nods. "Listen, I'm sorry.. I said I didn't feel anything and just wanted to stay friends but that was a lie, Tyler. I wanted to keep that a secret. Even now I wish I could of kept it a secret, if for no other reason than to not hurt you. But you asked for this and I just can't say no to you." A single tear slipped from her eye and slithered down her cheek. "I don't understand."

"I lied to you because I didn't want to hurt you more than I already knew I would. I gave you that necklace because it was the only way I could show you how I felt without you realizing it. I wanted you to have at least that. Even if it meant nothing to you, it was all I could do. Listen, I'm sorry. For everything."

She looks up, alerted to something I couldn't hear or see. She sighs, "I don't have much time. I've got to go." There was so much left to say, I felt guilty for raising my voice, for wasting our time talking about the past. "When will i see you again?"

"Tyler, you know how I said this morning that you have no idea what I had to do to get here?" I nod, vaguely remembering. "Let's just say it's not something I can do again." There's a moment of melancholy silence. "So, this is it?" She nods. "Well, at least we get to say goodbye." I felt the heavy rock in my chest set in.

She takes a step forward, her arms outstretched, a smile on her face and another tear sliding down her cheek. I hesitantly walk forward, expecting to just phase through her. I reach out to give her a hug and find that- she was a solid mass. I could feel her warmth, her hair brushing against my face, and her arms around me as we hugged for a long time.

"Goodbey" She whispered in my ear, soft, tender, and full of sadness. "Goodb-" I stopped.

She was gone.

My arms fall to my sides. I let the reality of what she'd said finally sink in. She'd liked me too. But even me, us, it just wasn't enough to keep her here. My eyes stung as I made my way home, my head playing through the life we could of had together. Dating, movie nights, prom. Graduation, college, marriage, kids. By the time I hit the front door, my inner story had us sitting in rocking chairs on a front porch, smiling and laughing, watching the sunset as we took out last breaths together.

I peek inside to make sure my mother wasn't hanging around the stairs, I didn't want to worry her. I book it to my room, locking it. Something I hadn't done since I'd ended puberty. I sprawled out on my bed, and let the hot tears hit my pillowcase. "I didn't' just like you, Alice. I loved you. Still love you. I don't know if it'll ever stop." I mumbled.

It still felt stupid, speaking out loud. But now, at least I knew she was listening, watching. I felt bad her quick time back with me wasn't enough to fix me up. But I appreciated every second of it; and the thought of her choosing me over her parents, only confirmed what I'd been wondering the whole day.

She did love me. Even though she was gone now. She loved me. I knew that eventually, that would be enough to move on. To heal. To find someone else I could envision a life with.

Even though I was still sad, possibly even distraught, I knew this was the beginning to my healing. Thank you, Alice. Truly. You breathed life back into me.

THE END

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255

This story, while being a work of fiction, explored heavy topics including Suicide, the process of grief, and the psychological effects of bullying. If you ever feel like harming yourself please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. There are other local hotlines for mental health, which I'll try to list or link below. It's important that if you start to have thoughts or feelings of suicide, that you reach out to someone. It may seem difficult, or impossible. But even if you think there's nobody out there who will care or help, I'm here to tell you that that isn't true.

While this story does start with Alice taking her own life, please understand this isn't meant to romanticize that action. Death is very serious, and taking your own life should never be looked at lightly or as a heroic deed. Portraying it in that kind of way in any sort of media, is very harmful especially for youth who may be dealing with mental health issues.

And finally, I am not trying to promote anything here. I was inspired by my own pain and grief of losing a family member recently, which was the catalyst for this piece. I feel that bringing up a deep topic like this in a post puts some responsibility on me to talk about it, inform, and leave information for those struggling. I'm by no means an expert, and don't have all the resources or answers. Here's what I found as resources for those looking. A simple google will help you find any information if what I have here isn't exactly what you're in need of.

24 Hour Crisis Center 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Hopeline 800-442-HOPE (4673)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255

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