Did Your Uncle Kill Your Dad Just to Usurp His Throne and Marry Your Mother, or Are You Maybe Overthinking This?

So you’re concerned that maybe your life resembles that of Hamlet, the crown prince of Denmark. Don’t worry! We’ve all been there (kind of)! Take this simple quiz to figure out just how dire these straights you’re in, are exactly. Whether you’ve been struggling with the cold-blooded murder of your father, the king, or the poetic flower-themed ravings of your recently insane girlfriend, or just trying to convince your best friend that you’re not acting weird and losing your mind when you are, we’ve got you covered.

Question #1: Was your dad previously a monarch of some far-flung Scandinavian country, or are you normal?

a) Yes, my father was actually the King of Denmark.

b) Um no, of course not. He works in sales or something?

c) Actually I have two mums, and we live in Florida.

Question #2: Was your dad murdered under incredibly suspicious circumstances?

a) How did you know?? Everyone is saying he was killed by snakebite but it’s like the middle of winter? And we live in Denmark? And correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t snakes cold-blooded, and usually hibernating during the winter months?

b) Nope, my dad is alive and well last I checked. He spent the whole afternoon complaining about my semester grades, so…

c) Again, I have two mums, and both are fine.

Question #3: Has your father’s ghost appeared to you in the dead of night telling you about said murder and beseeching you to take revenge on his behalf?

a) YES! HE WAS ALL LIKE, MARK ME THIS, MARK ME THAT. AS IF I WOULDN’T LISTEN TO MY OWN FATHER’S GHOST????

b) Er—no. The closest he’s ever come to that was calling me at 10pm to ask if I knew where he’d left the remote.

c) Are you daft? I don’t have a dad. Only two mums. So where would this ghost even come from??

Question #4: Did your father’s ghost name your nefarious uncle as his murderer? Has this uncle now inherited your father’s kingdom and married your recently widowed-mother?

a) This is actually uncanny—my uncle Claudius just got with my mum out of nowhere and apparently he murdered my dad and I hate it here.

b) Wait what? That sounds really messed up actually? Who’s writing this quiz?

c) I have an uncle but he lives in Prague or something with his partner, Ted. They seem very happy together.

Question #5: Is all the stress from the murder, and your current family dynamic causing you to lose your mind and alienate yourself from your friends and loved ones?

a) Wow, I guess so. Recently I totally went off on my wonderful girlfriend, Ophelia, even though she’s been nothing but supportive of me. And my bro Horatio is definitely concerned about my “antic disposition”. Maybe I should be in therapy?

b) I mean, one time my older brother and I got into a fight the night before I had a math test, and then I bombed that test because I didn’t study. Is that what you mean?

c) No, this is getting ridiculous.

Results:

If you mostly answered b’s or c’s, then congrats! Your incredibly insidious uncle probably did not intentionally off your father just to steal his throne and marry your mother. Maybe you’ve never even seen your father’s ghost at all! How wild is that?

If you selected mostly a’s, then things are not looking great for you my friend. Your uncle Claudius probably poured poison inside of your father’s ear while he was taking a nap and killed him, leaving you to pick up the pieces and exact revenge. The good news is that you’re definitely justified in all this overthinking you’ve been doing!