Bored Meeting

BORED MEETING

The meeting shuffled to attention around the table as The Boss shambled through the doorway. All except one swarthy and dapper-looking character with a trimmed goatee beard slouched at one end who merely looked up and returned to fiddling with a string of paper clips.

The Boss looked sourly in his direction only to receive a nonchalant flip of the finger as acknowledgement. He sat and everyone relaxed, The Boss looked around the table and sighed heavily. "Vell, here ve are then," he said. The despondent timbre of the voice mirrored the sombre mood in the room. The Board of G.O.D. Enterprises, Inc had never been in such an apprehensive frame of mind since ...well, who remembered when? The importance of the occasion was reflected in the number of Special Advisers who had been drafted in.

"Here ve are then, " he repeated, wearily, opening up a bulky folder and motioning everyone else to do the same, which they did with a heavy rustling of paper. "That it should come to this so soon."

A vacuous-looking blond young man cleared his throat nervously. "Well, it's been 6,000 years sir. Surely that's a long stretch in anyone's imagination ... " He tailed off under the withering gaze of the older members of the team. The Boss raised his hands in supplication to them. "A Creationist already. Since ven did ve have a Creationist on the books? " An embarrassed silence was all the response he got.

"How old are you, son?" he asked. "No. Don't tell me. Still vet behind the ears!"

Unabashed the youngster protested. "But 6,000 years is a long time sir."

The Old Man looked at him pityingly. "Son, ven you're as old as I am 6,000 years is how long it takes to empty my bladder - and I do that at !east 10 times a day and don't talk to me about the night-time. Oy vey that you should get so old!"

The youngster subsided under the retort as The Boss looked around the table. "Vell have ve got any more smart Alecs before ve get down to business? Vot about you at the end there. You usually got some wisecrack?"

Dramatically, the man cascaded the paper clip chain onto the table. "Nope. Not today. Not really appropriate."

"Huh. A conscience already," The Boss exclaimed. "A bit late for that."

The man shrugged non-committally and The Boss looked sourly at him before returning to the agenda.

He scanned it quickly with rheumy eyes and then raised them briefly to the members. "I got to tell you, I need some convincing." He shuffled his papers into order. " Right, " he said decisively, "First off, Religion. Who's the spokesman for religion? And I warn you I got my finger on this!"

There was an immediate clamour of voices each seeking ascendancy over the other, even from those outside the room who hadn't been able to get in, until The Boss restored order by banging down his gavel. It rang through the room like Armageddon's overture. " All right, all right, already! " he rasped. "A headache I got. A migraine I don't need!" He glared around the table. "Your Mickey Mouse religion I don't mean. Who's speaking for the most influential?"

The clamour began to rise again until The Boss quelled it with a swift glance and six members sitting three by three opposite each other raised their hands. Two of them, wearing keffieh and heavily bearded, drew out wicked-looking scimitars and laid them on the table glaring at each other with mutual hatred and at everyone else with disdain. The Boss regarded them suspiciously and then acknowledged one of the other spokesmen by name nodding amiably at him.”Schlomo? Mazel tov." He looked quizzically at his counterpart sporting pigtails under a circular hat, shook his head sorrowfully, and then turned his attention to the remaining two, one of them dressed in purple fiddling with a set of beads and casting a surreptitious eye at the young Creationist, and the other in a dog collar, modestly made up and wearing a sensible skirt and cardigan smiling amiably at everyone. He shook his head, sadly. "And two by two they come. Free vill I give them and they can't even agree amongst themselves," he said glancing outside the room where there was still an amount of bickering and shoving amongst the religious contenders, with skin and hair beginning to fly. Regretfully he drew a thick line across the item on the agenda and looked pityingly at the spokesmen. "You don't even have to speak," he said heavily. "I made up my mind already."

He consulted the next item. "Fire and Pestilence! " he barked.

A member proudly raised his hand, looking around his colleagues for approbation

The Boss consulted the agenda. "Vell. You really excelled yourself."

The member smirked. "Why, thank you sir," he said smugly. "We do our best."

The Boss stared at him with something approaching incredulity. "Just because you can doesn't mean you should!" He flipped a switch and a screen lit up on the wall. "Look at this. I got the whole of the Southern hemisphere in flames and most of the rest coughing its lungs up with a virus ...Yes?" he said breaking off irascibly and looking at another of the younger members waving his hand for attention.

"Err, I hesitate to correct you sir, but shouldn't that be the edge? I mean, the way you have it there ..." he indicated the spinning globe on the screen "... everything would fall off the bottom and, according to the images I’ve seen, all that water they're pouring on the fires doesn't seem to be going anywhere ...sir,." he tailed off to a series of despairing groans from around the table,

The Boss stared at him in disbelief and then shook his head as if to clear his mind. "A Flat Earther. As vell as a Creationist ve got a Flat Earther. With my own ears I don't believe it!" He glared around the table, "Who's in charge of Recruitment nowadays?" There was no reply but a conscious shuffling away from one stony-faced individual who sat staring fixedly to his front. The Boss harrumphed and glared belligerently around the table. "And I suppose that next you'll be telling me the Holocaust didn't happen! And just who's in charge of that particular area, as if I couldn't guess?'

The member at the end of the table shrugged. "We do what we do best," he said. "That's all anyone can do, right? Alliances, treaties, a little word in the right ear at the right time, an assassination here an assassination there. It doesn't take much. And our friends here," gesturing to the now sulking Religious spokesmen at table and the still squabbling crowd outside "help more than they will ever know. Makes my job easy, really. Too easy. A bit boring. I like a bit of a challenge." He picked up his line of paper clips and cascaded them again.

The Boss glowered and paperclip man shrugged again. "Well, Yin Yang, light and shade, necessary evil. I don't know. I didn't make the rules. If you hadn't got the hump and kicked me out we might have got on better. But them's the eggs you've got. Try making an omelette without breaking them."

"Not your fault, you're saying?" The Boss said.

The member shrugged again. "Your words, not mine. And you're big on words I seem to recall."

The Boss glowered. "Ve'll have vords later!" he said ominously and a dark cloud cast its shadow across the room momentarily.

He consulted his notes again, "Vedder!" he called, to a sea of incomprehension. "Vedder," he called again and smote his brow in frustration. "Schlomo! Vedder! Explain it to them vill you?”

Schlomo roused himself from his stupour trying studiously to ignore the truculent keffiah-clad member to his left. "Vedder? Vedder? Oh, yes, Weather!"

The Boss raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Yes, Vedder. Vere's the Vedder man?"

The weather man turned out to be a supremely attractive young woman, as it happened. Which did raise a few eyebrows in certain quarters and, if truth be known, more than eyebrows in other quarters as she stood and bent across the table to retrieve her notes.

The Boss regarded her appraisingly. "Vell?" he said. "The vedder?"

The girl smiled. "Well, with a cold front approaching from the East ..." she said, bringing up another screen ...

"Oyy, my life!" the Boss interrupted as the Keffiye-clad members bridled at a misinterpreted slight to their beliefs. "I don't vant a vedder forecast. I vant to know vot's wrong with the bleedin' vedder!"

The girl blushed, prettily. "Oh, yes, of course. Well, I can't really say. I mean it's hot one day and the next it's blowing an absolute hoolie. I remember saying to my friend Julie only the other day, I don't know what to make of it really I don't. There was one day last week when we had four seasons all at once, I mean, I didn't have a clue what to wear. And you can't get your hair done with any degree of certainty nowadays without it blowing out straight away. You have to wear a headscarf all the time, which isn't very flattering, begging your pardon" she said, deferring to the openly leering Keffiah wearing members. "My granny says she remembers when it was sunny every day, but I'm sure that's just selective memory unless she's just forgotten. She has gone a bit gaga poor old soul. But I wouldn't be a bit surprised because the weather is changing, don't you find?" She paused for breath and looked gaily around the room to a sea of glazed eyes. "What do you think?" she said.

The Boss roused himself. "Vell, I'm sure ve all found that very, err, revealing, " he said. "But it didn't really get us anywhere did it?"

"Didn't it?" the girl asked. "But I enjoyed talking to you all so much," she said, simpering. "I've never been asked to address such a distinguished company before."

"You don't say," muttered paperclip man.

"Ve were sort of hoping to hear about global varming and climate change," prompted the Boss.

"Ooh, yes, it is isn't it? They told me about that. It sort of went over my head but they got rather excited about it. It's quite serious apparently. "

The Boss sighed. "They? Who is this 'they'?"

"Oh, I don't know. I never get to meet them but they write all this stuff for me. I just read it. And wave my hands about a bit. That's all I bring to it really, but don't tell anyone for goodness ' sake."

The Boss turned accusatory eyes to the stony-faced HR man. "Ve assume it was a bad day!" he said heavily. " Tell me it was a bad day. Ve have to assume it was a very bad day."

The HR man still said nothing but clutched his blotting pad even more tightly and beads of sweat broke out on his forehead.

The Boss shook his head and turned to the girl again. "Vell, thank you miss. You can take your seat again, but could you please ... you know ..." He brushed his breast bone lightly.

The girl glanced down, blushed, did up the buttons on her blouse, dropped a quick curtsey and resumed her seat decorously.

The Boss shook his agenda papers with a barely controlled anger and scored through 'weather' savagely. "Next," he called and glanced at the agenda. He looked up at the meeting aghast. "You have got to be joking me. Who put this on?"

There was a cough at his elbow as the minutes secretary caught his attention. "Sorry, but it was a last minute addition. They insisted and I didn't like to refuse," he whispered, nodding his head in the direction of a member readying them self to speak - obviously with some acerbity - when called upon.

" Sex? " the Boss whispered back. "Vot in the Hell do ve want to talk about sex for?"

" Well, it is an issue that needs sorting apparently, " the secretary whispered back.

"And who's speaking for it? Can't say I recognise him ... her ... "

"Them," prompted the secretary. " Best stick to the impersonal form of address if I were you. It would cause a lot less unpleasantness." He withdrew deferentially to the Boss's right hand.

Drawing an impatient breath The Boss grabbed his agenda papers and, sotto voce, muttered "I can't believe I'm doing this." Then: "Right. Next item. Sex! Who's doing sex?"

Had knowledge of current affairs been anywhere near up to speed, it was a bit of a superfluous question, after the titters had subsided, as a member in a rainbow-coloured coat rose to speak. The Boss held up a hand to stay the address temporarily. "No. Don't tell me. Joseph, right? Ha, ha." He glanced around the table seeking approval of the witticism but all he received was a series of agitated grimaces and a drawing in of the shoulders as the members strove to dissociate themselves from the remark.

From the member them self there was simply a frosty stare. The Boss held out inviting hands. "OK son ...err, miss ... The floor is y... "

His flow was interrupted by the minutes secretary who grabbed his elbow. "I do apologise for interrupting again," he whispered urgently, " but I think a short recess might be in order - we may need a little briefing meeting before this item proceeds. "

The Boss glared at him "Vy?"

"Trust me, sir" he said urgently. "We have a complex situation here."

"The only complex situation ve have concerns recruitment as far as I can see,' breathed the Boss, glaring in the direction of the HR man who was now sweating profusely, then: "OK everyone. Ve take a short break. Manna sandwiches and ambrosia over in the corner. Sorry son ... err miss ... Ve'll get back to you."

Turning to the secretary as the meeting broke up, he whispered ominously "This better be good."

Hurriedly, the secretary rushed around the room collecting a member from here, prising others from the bar and eventually returned with a gaggle of special advisers including paperclip man and the HR manager, who had now gone a sickly pasty colour.

-oOo-

The secretary settled them all in an anteroom where they all sat waiting for someone to take the lead. Rolling his eyes, paperclip man eventually took up the cudgels. "Look, there's no easy way to say this. Things have moved on a bit since spare ribs and fig leaves. Sex isn't what it was."

"So, tell me something I don't already know," the Boss sighed regretfully. " Bladder problems ve can cope vith. As for anything else ... "

"How can I put this?" paperclip man said. "Adam and Eve, not a problem - except for woeful parenting skills. Egyptians? So-so. Questionable sibling issues. It all started to get complicated with the Greeks."

The Boss nodded irritably. "Yes, yes, this ve know, Oedipus and Narcissus and that pervert Zeus vith his swans and bed hopping. It's all that hot vedder and no clothes. Vot is this? A history lesson? I was there don't forget "

"It goes a lot further than that, I'm afraid ... "

"It couldn't go much further " snorted the Boss. "Not that I'm passing judgement. Adam and Eve were about as blood relative as you can get, but you got to start somewhere. So vy are we talking?"

"I'm glad you mention Adam and Eve. That's where it all began. What if I were to say the words 'non-binary, 'gender variant', 'genderless', 'gender-fluid' to you? "

The Boss looked quizzically at him. "On balance, I would say ve didn't drag you away from that ambrosia bar any too soon. Vot are you talking about?"

"Oh, that's just the start, " paperclip man said, rather more gleefully than he might. "What is it now?" he said, glancing at the secretary for confirmation. " Sixteen? Seventeen? Forty-seven?"

The secretary nodded glumly. "And counting," he said.

"That's different sexual orientations, " paperclip man explained, as kindly as he could. "Never mind 'male and female made he them' you'd need a whole new chapter now, let alone a verse. Probably need a rewrite actually, to retain the flow. A list that long could soon outdo all that 'begatting'.

The Boss glowered. "So, who's been interfering. Vos it you? Sounds like you."

"Actually, no. It all goes back to basics, apparently, according to the latest scientific research," paperclip man said. "

"Scientific, Schmientific!" the Boss scoffed.

"That's what we expected you to say. But the fact of the matter is, it was all made wrong to start with. Let me give you an analogy. If you draw a line from point ‘A’ to an imaginary point ‘B’ and you get the orientation even slightly out and then continue drawing that line for - I don't know, let's say for the sake of an arguable constant, 6,000 years - by the time you get to the end you're so far out that, whereas you might reasonably have expected to end up back where you started by the simple Law of Universal Continuity, in reality you've drawn a spiral and you never get to the end until you disappear up your own fundamental principle." He looked to the Boss to acknowledge the point. "See?"

The Boss ran a hand tiredly down his face. "So. The man talks trigonometry and quantum physics to me. Vot in the name of reason has that got to do vith sex? " He looked accusingly at the HR man. "Has this got something to do vith you? Have you been hiring scientists behind my back? "

Paperclip man waved his hands in frustration.. "No, you misunderstand. Bad analogy perhaps. Let me put it more simply. YOU GOT THE BLOODY RECIPE WRONG AND IT'S COME BACK TO BITE EVERYONE IN THE BUM! "

The Boss started back, unaccustomed to such an assault on his integrity.

Paperclip man held up his hands in amelioration. "Getting back to Adam and Eve, it's genes and building blocks and things. It's all gone a bit wonky on the sex front as years roll on. Nobody knows who or what they're supposed to be any more. Zeus and that lot would think it was all their birthdays and Christmas rolled into one."

"And you blame this on me?" He held up his hands. "Vith these hands I made them. Do these look like kiddy fiddler hands to you?"

"No one's making any such claims about anyone. It's just that if you get the matrix wrong to start with ... "

"And you could have done better, maybe?" Retorted the Boss indignantly.

"Well, I didn't have much of a say in the matter, if you recall. Anyway, I didn't have any hands at the time. You had me slithering through the grass. But, hey, it had been a long and hectic few days. Mistakes happen. Mind you, if you'd taken your time and worked the weekend things might have turned out differently. But, who am I to judge? And anyway, it could be something in the water. You never know what they're putting in it nowadays."

The Boss glowered and looked accusingly at the HR man again and then turned to paperclip man "You wouldn't like to run that by me again, would you? I think I got confused somewhere along the line"

Paperclip man gave a mirthless laugh. "Confused? Try this. Men now give birth and women have got a full set of wedding tackle. Admittedly not everyone, but that's how confused things are getting. I wouldn't like to try and pin a gender on rainbow coat next door. I'd probably get it wrong and there'd be Hell to pay - they're a strident lot. Anyway, I've said enough. Best let the experts take over."

There followed a bevy of psychiatrists, psychologists, psychoanalysts, gender reassignment specialists (with some horrific illustrations) wedding planners and lobby groups with complex semantic terminology that soon had the Boss's head reeling.

"Enough, enough," he roared at last. . "My life, I vish I'd stopped at birds and creatures of the sea. Would've been a lot less trouble. Right! Let's get on with it!"

-oOo-

At the resumption it was obvious that the bar break had been welcome. The mood was a little lighter. The Religious spokesman with the beads was in earnest conversation with the young Creationist, the weather girl was surrounded by board members who had unexpectedly found themselves fascinated by a topic which had hitherto completely passed them by and the Flat Earther had turned a jug full of water upside down to prove a point to anyone who was remotely interested. He was just mopping up when the Boss took his seat again and called the meeting to order.

He started proceedings by making a statement. "First off, before ve hear the sex deposition ..." He threw a sharp glance at no-one in particular just to quell any hilarity "... I'm advised that I may need to apologise, no, will more than likely be obliged to apologise, for anything that I may say or do that vill give rise to any offence, perceived, imagined or otherwise. Does that cover it?" He glanced at paperclip man, who shrugged ' who knows?’ '

"Right," he said turning to the multi-coloured coat. " Let's have it son. "

There was a sharp intake of breath from various quarters around the table and the sex spokesman shot a look that could have impaled anything mortal that was within 30 yards of direct line of site. "For your information, sir, we identify as neither male or female. These are stereotypical labels that society attaches to individuals to force conformity to bourgeois standards of behaviour. "

The Boss looked the spokesman up and down. "So, vot are you then? I mean, have you got both sets of tackle because I can fix that if you want."

The spokesman vibrated with indignation. "What we are, sir, is not a 'what'. We are a human being and command due respect as such. And, we do not require 'fixing'"

"Vith due respect you don't command anything of me!" the Boss barked. "Do you know who I am? " He paused a moment to reflect and then said quietly: "I don't believe I just said that."

"All that concerns us, with due respect, is who we are," Rainbow coat said, icily. "And for your information we identify as polygender - and we can see that the term is unfamiliar to you. It means that our gender fluctuates according to our needs."

The Boss looked towards paperclip man in perplexity, who shrugged again.

"Vell, vot is it you want?" He asked, "whoever I'm talking to. "

"A change in attitude for a start!" snarled Rainbow coat, unfurling a banner from behind their back and starting a chant which was taken up by a number of equally colourful individuals who seemed to have infiltrated the ranks of the minority religious lobby in the corridor. Within minutes the chant had spread to the street outside and soon there was a vociferous demonstration taking place. From what could be heard, it didn't seem to have any particular point to make but the multi-coloured banners and similarly colourful demonstrators, some of them in outlandish costumes, certainly lent a carnival atmosphere to what had otherwise been a sombre occasion.

"We can see that talk will achieve nothing here," shouted Rainbow coat over the prevailing hubbub. "Only direct action will result in what we want!" and, so saying, lofted the banner and joined the protesters in the corridor until they were heavily escorted outside by Security.

The Boss watched them being shoved out and, when an uneasy peace reigned, raised his hands in resignation. "Vot did they want? Does anybody know?" he asked of the meeting in general.

"Change" said paperclip man. "That's what the mantra usually is. But a change to what is never all that clear, I've found. I told you it would be difficult. And that's without winding them up. Good job Extinction Rebellion weren't around or there'd have been a riot."

The minutes secretary coughed deferentially at the Boss's elbow. "We deemed it expedient not to invite them given the nature of today's meeting, sir," he whispered.

The Boss shook his head in bewilderment, crossed 'Sex' off the agenda paper and turned the page. "And that," he said, "seems to conclude Part I. "

Paperclip man gave a mirthless laugh again. "And that was just for light relief, " he said.

The Boss scanned the rest of the agenda and flared his nostrils. "This seems to be all yours," he said to

paperclip man who smirked and, for a change, leaned forward in his chair. "To be honest - something that doesn't sit too easily with me I have to say - I can't claim total responsibility here," he looked meaningfully at the Religious spokesmen. "I mean, all you have to do is wind some of them up and they go berserk. But, much as it pains me to say it, it's all going out of control."

"That sounded suspiciously like an apology " said the Boss.

"For doing my job? Never," retorted paperclip man. "But, like I say, you can only wind so many up for any length of time before it starts a chain reaction and then you lose control. You've got nutters all over, sparking other nutters off until the fabric of so-called society looks like block of Emmental cheese. It doesn't help that most of the nutters are de facto leaders of the society they're meant to uphold. Doesn't say a lot for civilization. "

"Philosophy and politics now!" The Boss said. " As vell as mathematics and quantum physics, he talks philosophy and politics to me now. This is supposed to be a business meeting not a University Clearing House! You'll be giving me another analogy next. "

Paperclip man smiled, thinly. "Words out of my mouth. Take Creation," he said, looking sharply at the blond young man who had suddenly become all ears, "billions of years ago. You start off small at a point in time and aspire to the ultimate pinnacle at another point. It would be simple if those two points had a direct linear link, but the pinnacle is only achieved by a causal chain of circumstances each of which builds on the other. So, from that original singularity, at some point you end up with an expanded reality - much like an inverted pyramid - with the ultimate pinnacle still at an unguessable point in time and reached only by a proportionate scaling down of that perceived reality in a series of enlightened steps that eventually forms the obverse of that inverted structure. A diamond shape overall. An idealistic model of Creation. Start small, think big, achieve perfection through considered action."

"And Cosmology yet," the Boss said. "You got too much time on your hands to my vay of thinking."

Paperclip man ignored the jibe. "Trouble is, you reach the midpoint of that diamond shape and there's a danger that the plane of reality can keep on expanding out through over-reaction until it over balances the pivotal point and it all comes crashing down." He looked around the sea of bewildered faces at the table. "That's the point we're at now. Ignore any possible impact any interference by me might have had, the real issue here comes down to one thing."

He paused and dramatically dropped his chain of paperclips onto the table. "Free Vill - sorry – Free Will! Or, to put it more simply, the buggers don't know what they want.. Give them a choice and they'll always make the wrong one and keep on making it so long as they've got a choice to make." He held up his paperclip chain again. "See? I could go on adding paper clips to this so long as there's a supply, but eventually it's going to get too heavy and cumbersome to do anything with and inherent stresses will pull it apart."

The Boss looked at paperclip man with something like grudging respect. "Maybe ve should have put you in charge of HR," he said. "So vot you are saying is, never mind all the wars and the global warming and the Cain and Abel complex everyone seems to have – and the fire and pestilence -” looking meaningfully towards the relevant spokesman, “ ve're all going to Hell in a handcart anyway? "

"Precisely!”

Just then, the meditative silence that had descended on the room was once again shattered by another uproar from the street. The secretary hurried to the window to see what was going on. "I'm sorry sir, it seems as though someone has leaked the meeting," he said as all eyes turned to the HR man. "It looks as though Extinction Rebellion has got wind of it. They're trying to get into the building”

The Boss ambled over to the window to look, threw away his agenda papers and then unlocked a wall safe, pulling out a very large remote control. "Vell. Let's give them something to protest about," he said, with bile, pressed the switch and, where there had been a skyline of high rises and bustling thoroughfares, suddenly there was nothing, stretching to infinity and leaving the HQ of G.O.D. Enterprises, Inc floating serenely alone in the universe.

As the emergency lighting kicked in he fumbled his way to a cupboard, pulled out a recipe book and beckoned the Creationist over, at the same time throwing a ball of clay at the Flat Earther, who caught it awkwardly. "You vant to know from Creation? " he said savagely. "Then vatch this!"

He thumbed the pages of the recipe book peering in the dimness and then roared: "Vill somebody switch the bloody light on!"