Malcolm Twigg
Bio
Quirky humur underlines a lot of what I write, whether that be science fiction/fantasy or life observation. Pratchett and Douglas Adams are big influences on my writing as well as Tom Sharpe and P. G. Wodehouse. To me, humor is paramount.
Stories (28/0)
Slippered! - Chapter 9
Slippered! – Chapter 9 After a very long and leisurely lunch and a walk in a nearby park, Ying and Cherry Lin sauntered hand in hand back towards town. As they once again approached the road leading to the little Bistro, Ying's attention was drawn to a middle-aged geezer who suddenly raised his left arm, as though in greeting. Ying raised his own arm in automatic response, wondering who on earth the man was, and was surprised to receive a snarl for his pains. The man tugged at his elevated arm with his other hand, jumped into a Rover (latest model, automatic transmission, Ying' s mechanic's mind noted) and screamed off down the road with raised arm poking through the open sun roof.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Filthy
Slippered! - Chapter 8
Slippered! - Chapter 8 In the room next door, Slipper awoke under the distinct impression that he was witness to an attempted murder. At least, that's what the noise coming from the other side of the wall told him. In between the crash of toppling machinery and muffled curses, a series of shrill screams suggested that he really ought to think about leaving. Although, on the other hand, agonised exhortations to a ‘stupid fucking bitch’ to ‘put my sodding leg back,’ suggested instead that he might be better advised in hiding in case the 'stupid fucking bitch' caught him leaving and took his own leg off.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Filthy
Slippered! - Chapter 7
Slippered! - Chapter 7 “Knock it off, Carmen,” complained Harris, “I've got to get this furniture moved.” Carmen twisted his hair around her forefinger. “Never mind the furniture,” she said lazily, assuming a theatrically languorous posture, “Move me. Make the earth shake. Bring the walls crashing down about our ears.” She laughed.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Filthy
Slippered! - Chapter 6
Slippered! – Chapter 6 After a disturbed night's rest, Ying pulled up outside the 'Spring Roll' restaurant just as Kwan drew away after making his arrangements with Lin. There was something familiar about the flashy limousine he saw disappearing around the corner that Ying just couldn't place, which irritated him. He was not one to forget a car. Anyway, he had a more pressing problem on his mind at the moment. Cherry Lin's curry. The events of the past night must have had a lot to do with it but, this morning, he had a gut like a stretched inner tube. He let himself in through the side door. Cherry's father stood gabbling rapid Cantonese into a telephone and acknowledged Ying' s semaphored greeting with a raised hand. Although he was not of the 'brotherhood', Ying was guardedly tolerated by the family as a worthy suitor for their youngest daughter. Cherry was very much the modern young woman. The Lins recognised that their ways were not hers, so gave her her head. All the same, Ying was always conscious of a sense of 'not belonging' in the closed community that made up the Chinese enclave in the south-west. Still, Cherry made up for that. Except for her bleedin' curries. He pressed a hand to his midriff as yet another eructation made its presence audible.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Filthy
Slippered! - Chapter 5
Slippered! – Chapter 5 To all intents and purposes he had. During breakfast, which the group took at a communal table, Hal had sketched in for Freddy the commune's ideals. He had leaned forward earnestly across his plate. “What we stand for here, Freddy, is Universal Love. We strive for unity with the Cosmos. We love everyone and everything, Freddy. Petal, here, she loves me; she loves Zip, over there; Zip, he loves Sheila; Sheila loves me. Me, Freddy? Me? I love …you. He placed a hand over Freddy's arm and shook it gently.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Filthy
Slippered! - Chapter 4
Slippered! - Chapter 4 While Carmen slept the sleep of the almost sated, and Harris had finally collapsed - Ovaltineless - onto his bed, Freddy Lappit propped open his eyes looking vainly for somewhere to stay the night. He had turned off the motorway some time ago, in a bid to shake off his pursuers. The events of the past twenty-four hours were beginning to catch up with him, and an overwhelming lassitude was about to descend. In the darkness he had taken a wrong turn, somewhere, and was hopelessly lost. At least, that had one redeeming feature: the Kwans were now not likely to find him. What bothered him was how they had got on to him at all. As far as he could remember, he had never mentioned cousin Archie to either Sally or Lisa. It was an irritating mystery.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Filthy
Slippered! - Chapter 3
Slippered! - Chapter 3 At the same time as Freddy had picked up his second puncture that day, Melsham wiped tomato soup from his moustache with the back of a forefinger and picked up his wine glass. He waved it carelessly at Slipper, sloshing a few drops across the table cloth. “Slipper, move your things out of the Gate House, will you?” he demanded loudly “I'm putting your quarters in the North Wing now.” His voice rang around the cavernous dining room, causing Slipper to wince, as much at the Earl's familiarity with servants at table as the import of the message.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Filthy
Slippered! - Chapter 2
Slippered! - Chapter 2 Carmen, the Hon. Lady Lappit and bane of her father's life, watched the sun sink behind the distant hills of Houndsmoor, and hitched her skirt down over dimpling thighs as she pushed herself up against the hay bales. She picked pieces of straw from her hair and turned a jaundiced eye on the heaving figure beside her, wheezing face down in the straw like an Olympic marathon runner in final extremis. She liked her men young, strong, healthy and often. Her partner of the moment fulfilled the first three criteria, at least. On a rating of 1-10 she ranked his score at four and-a-half, with E for Effort - not a bad score to Carmen's exacting standards.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Filthy
Slippered! - Chapter 1
CHAPTER ONE The 21st century had come late to Staddon Hall - but it came with a vengeance, and a new hand on the rudder with plans which Slipper - steward, family retainer, butler and, at times, wet-nurse - took both as a personal slight and a blot on the escutcheon of the family honour. First and foremost in Slipper’s thoughts were the new Earl’s antecedents. “A butcher! A common tradesman!” as he took every opportunity to vehemently describe him to Brandybutt, head gardener and Slipper’s unlikely closest confidante amongst the few remaining staff. In fact, Slipper looked on the new overbearing, coarse - and lewd - Master and his grand plans with nothing short of open hostility. “The end of an era,” he thought glumly, regarding his friend’s slumbering form by the fire in Slipper’s quarters in the Old Gate House. Then, taking a firm grip on his resolve: “But not if Reginald Slipper has anything to do with it!”
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Filthy
Floater
Hingis was on the street corner again, pushing whatever it was he was pushing today. He was doing a deal with a group of Off-worlders, and doing a good deal too if his face was anything to go by. He favored me with a curt nod as I pushed by and I flipped him a 'phet. He must have thought it was Christmas, but that's the kind of guy I am.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Fiction
Overdue
"Lost?" Chief Librarian Zark closed his eyes in pained resignation and turned his erudite and, for the moment, exasperated face to the distant domed ceiling of the Cosmos Central Library. He opened his slash of a mouth to speak and then closed it again, resignedly.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Fiction
The Severed Knot
Those who knew a thing or two about the English Civil War acknowledged that the Battle of Blundell's Edge was a turning point for the Parliamentarians. What was not suspected was that the previous night of Royalist debauchery at nearby Higley Court was a contributing factor. Higley Court had burned down immediately afterwards so the world didn’t know the truth. Only Gerald Higgs did. Or thought he did …but had made it his life's work to find out.
By Malcolm Twigg2 years ago in Fiction
