A Ride to Remember

Every night at midnight, the purple clouds came out to dance with the blushing sky. It became the backdrop to the midnight train's play, with each night a new story unfolding. The scenery below the clouds shifted like an old Viewmaster toy. It's film reel presenting a new world to explore with each winding of the plastic orange handle. Click, blackness. Click, mountain range. Click, blackness. Click, ocean. Click.

But why?

The grogginess was starting to wear off. Raahan oriented herself with each moment of light between the darkness. She understood she was on a train; the blackness was a tunnel. They were heading through the mountain on the side of a cliff. The scenes that were revealed were intensely beautiful; springing up as if a thought alone had manifested such a paradise only to be abruptly stolen away again. By the time Raahan had comprehended what she'd just seen, darkness followed by another vibrant image thrust upon her, then black again. The constant shifting between darkness and light was hard on her eyes. She grabbed at her temples, as if that would also somehow remind her of how she managed to arrive at this location, on this train, seemingly alone. She looked around the cart for clues. Her pulse quickened. She didn't like this feeling of not knowing. She'd had dreams like this before, lost. In those nightmares she would run endlessly through fields and empty streets, always waking before arriving at her destination, leaving her with an unsettled feeling all day.

But this wasn't a dream. She felt her hands to be sure of it and looked down to see her light brown skin with thin veins protruding from her bones, as if they'd burst through her thin skin at any moment. Yes, these were her hands, which were her mother's hands and her grandmother's hands also. Her Indian genes were strong on her maternal side. She smoothed a clump of hair off her forehead, combing her fingers through the coarse strands until no knots could be felt; a habit she did when nervous. Think, Raahan.

The scenes continued to reveal that they were heading along a coastline, though she hadn't spotted any villages or towns yet. Just breathtaking bursts of lush green foliage cascading down the mountainside. Pockets of fuscia flowers reached up over the trees along with bursts of yellow from dotted lemon trees whose fruit hung heavy and ripe for picking. Where was this incredible place? She decided to find someone and start piecing together why she was on this train, and where it was headed.

The narrow train cars gently swayed back and forth with a subtle click-click of the track serenading the space. Raahan grasped onto each seat while she moved forward. Her eyes were beginning to adjust and anticipate the dark moments. She could see that the train was old but still in meticulous condition. Almost as if she'd stepped back in time to view an antique in it's day. Perhaps she'd timetraveled?

"Hello?" Raahan called out to the empty car. Suddenly the train burst into an opening and light filled the long narrow room. They were passing a platform with a wooden sign that no matter how hard Raahan tried to strain her eyes, she couldn't make out the words. It was possible it wasn't in English, or hindi, and so her eyes couldn't make it out as easily. On the platform were large hanging baskets with bright yellow and pink geraniums spilling out over the edges. Her favourite flower. There were people lining up to enter the train but it wasn't stopping. Raahan squinted to see if anyone (or anything) looked familiar. She felt that panic rise up again. Why wasn't the train stopping to let them on? An older man a few seats up turned and smiled at her, patted the seat beside him and said, "sit."

Rahaan did as the man suggested and sat across the aisle from him, turning to face him. "Do I know you?"

The man smiled, chuckled to himself. "No, but I know you." She thought he may continue, but he didn't. He just looked at her with a passive adoration. His brown eyes squinted towards her with a watery glow to them. A flash of memory came to Rahaan.

There was an accident.

She decided to continue on her quest for answers, and left the older gentleman, now gazing out the window lost in a memory of his own. Four rows up she came upon a younger woman, pale skin and dark hair, thin red lips and a sundress on. She turned to Raahan and nodded sweetly.

"Do I know you?" Rahaan cleared her throat and tried to sound casual, masking her anxiety.

The woman nodded, "we were friends, and coworkers. But mostly, friends." With that she giggled sweetly at the memory, as if they'd gotten themselves into trouble or shared some inside jokes, none of which Raahan remembered.

"Where did we work? And what is your name? I'm sorry I just...-"

The young woman cut Raahan off with a gentle hand on hers. Raahan looked down to see how young this woman's hand was, how was it possible that they had worked together and been friends?

"It was a bookstore and a cafe in a small little tourist town on the coast. Kind of like this coast," she motioned to the window and outside the landscape had shifted into rolling hillsides towards the ocean in the distance. She continued, "we had too much fun, we were always getting shushed. I loved your smile and your hair, I loved your joie de vivre." The woman shrugged her shoulders and shook her head back and forth with eyes closed at the memory.

"Do you know how I got on this train? And where it's going?" Raahan hated to ask that question out loud but figured this woman, who either truthfully knew her, or else was insane, could at least offer some insight. Perhaps it was Raahan that was insane. She hadn't thought of that, but now it lingered as a possibility in the corners of her mind.

The woman looked up at Raahan's deep brown eyes and shook her head, "I can't answer that my friend, but he can." She pointed to the car in front of the one they were sitting in. Did she mean the conductor? At any rate, it would be where she would need to end up to get some answers, so she moved towards the car in front, with each row she passed she grasped the edges of the seats as a propeller as well as a stabilizer. She wouldn't let that uneasy thought creep any further into her mind. She was not insane. But, there was an accident. That much she remembered. She clutched her head at the thought of it.

Another flash of memory.

She'd hit her head, hard. That would explain why she didn't recognize anything or anyone. Of course, a concussion. Her shoulders relaxed at the revelation. Yes, she has a concussion. This all made sense. Now to find out how she ended up on this train.

Raahan pulled at the door between the cars letting a gust of wind tunnel through her. The air smelled sweet and felt damp on her skin. Ocean air, her favourite. She managed to grasp the door to the next car and slide it across slowly, maintaining her balance in an awkward slightly squatting position. The next car had only one man in it, sitting towards the front. She made her way towards him with determination though the air felt heavy. She really needed to concentrate on moving her legs in order to move towards him. She focused her eyes on the small man's caramel-coloured bald head. Finally she had reached him. He was sitting with his legs crossed in a typical monk's pose. His deep purple and saffron Kasaya, robes, were vibrant and glowing. His wrinkles pulled upwards at the corners of his mouth and eyes. A lifetime of smiling inwardly would certainly do that to one's face, Raahan surmised.

"Venerable Gesh-la," Raahan bowed her head. The Buddhist monk closed his eyes and steadied his breath.

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." He smiled, eyes still closed.

"I'm lost. I don't know why I'm on this train. I know there was an accident, but I don't remember anything else. Can you help me please?" She put her hand over her heart, a sign of respect towards her teacher. He looked into her tearful brown eyes.

"My child, you've spent a lifetime looking for answers outside of yourself. You must look inside," with that he put his own hand on his chest, and bowed towards her. "The truth is revealed when one is ready to receive it."

She gazed out the window which was continuing to show images of the rolling hills. The sky was changing into hues of lavender. In the distance there were perfectly bubbled clouds sprouting up along the sea's horizon. She heard sirens in the distance and a knot in her stomach formed. Her hand covered her mouth as she drew in a sharp breath.

She'd hurt someone.

Suddenly she was back in the car with the older gentleman again.

"It was you."

Rahaan ran towards him and he turned to her, calmly nodding.

"We need to get out of here...get you some help!" She rushed towards the doors and tried to pry them open with her fingers to no avail. She started banging on metal, "Help! Help! Someone stop the train!" But it was no use. The images kept whizzing by, and the man seemed calm and not wanting to leave anyhow.

She turned towards him again.

"Are you ok?! I hurt you. I remember now. It was dark, it was raining and my windshield wipers weren't working. I hit you. You..." her hands trembling now. "You...." She couldn't barely think it, let alone say it. "You didn't make it." She gasped after the admission. He continued to watch her, as if watching a scene from a movie. There was no emotion on his face, just contentment. Raahan's head was spinning. How could this be. Why were they on this train when he had... died? It didn't make sense. She banged on the doors again, "help! Help!"

The man spoke, "I chose you. I chose my time. Do not be afraid. I am going to see my wife." He smiled, but Raahan wasn't ready to accept what she had done. She crouched low and began rocking back and forth, hands cupping her ears. Perhaps she was insane, yes, that would be better than killing someone. She closed her eyes and when she opened them again she was back with the Buddhist teacher.

"I'm not ready for the truth I guess." Raahan admitted to the small man. "I want off this train. I want to go back, to fix what I've done."

He patted her leg, "my child, did you not listen to his words? He doesn't want to go back. You want to fix things to feel better for you, not him."

She contemplated this. How difficult it was to succumb to the idea of sitting in one's pain instead of fixing it. She turned to the window and the images shifted. Each window now became a story from her life. She watched them like an old film reel; a memory of her as a little girl saving a frog from a cat and shooing it away. The next window showed an older girl braiding her friend's hair. The images continued and she rose to follow the storyline. They revealed a sequence of good deeds she had done, but also a few where she'd caused others pain. In those moments, she acutely felt the pain she'd caused but she forced herself to not turn away. She got to the end of the car and the image was of the woman she'd encountered in the sundress. She was right, they were together in their early teens working at a bookstore and cafe. She could feel the adoration between them and she saw that after she'd left the job, the young woman fell into a depression and eventually took her own life. Raahan had been a moment of sunshine in her sad life. She turned back to sit with the Buddhist monk once again.

"Venerable Gesh-la," She bowed again. "When will the train stop?"

He touched his hand to his chest, "the train never stops my child. It's your fear that wants it to stop. To escape what you're experiencing. Settle into the feeling of allowance, acceptance. Then you will see."

Raahan closed her eyes and felt the gentle swaying of the cars, rocking her body.

Could she stay on this never-ending journey? Could she ever be content with that?

Suddenly she understood. She was trying to go back; to live the life that was now complete. To continue the journey that had already ended. But yet here she was, still feeling like herself, continuing the journey nonetheless.

The train never stops.

With that the next car ahead revealed itself, encapsulated in a blinding white light. Inside the car door were shadows of people; two stood forward to greet her. It was her mother and her grandmother, dressed in their brightly coloured saree's. Her mother's was a golden yellow, resembling the lemons from the scenery earlier, and her grandmother donning a beautiful fuchsia saree just like the flowers on the hillside. Both adorned gold bracelets, rings, earrings and a jewel in the middle of their foreheads. They were calling to her.

Raahan turned to face the monk again but he was no longer there. The student no longer needed the teacher, she had passed her test. Raahan walked towards the light, and the next part of her journey. The doors slid open and enveloped her with love.