A Reminiscing Family Man

Looking back on life I am struck by the ignorance I’ve shown. There must have been a thousand women in my life, and another thousand fair weather friends; but little family, and even fewer true friends.

Now I’m an old man, staring at a beautiful marigold while sitting in the rocking chair I built at sixteen for my ailing mother. The soft woven mesh envelopes my rump as if it were built today instead of seventy years ago. Stretching before me is a winding drive lined with ancient elm trees that lead to the obnoxiously large house behind me. The porch itself is more square feet than the house I grew up in.

In front of me lies ten acres, behind me two hundred, and on each side another ten that all belong to me. I have an orchard, small flock of poultry, and a few dogs that are just as old as I. All this I built with my own hands; hands that now fail me as I write. All this I acquired through sheer determination and a willingness to do whatever it took to succeed. This isn’t a story for the faint of heart, this isn’t a “how to” guide, and this isn’t a tale to be admired.

As stated before, when I was sixteen my mother grew ill. It was a fast-acting cancer, that I don’t recall the name of, that took a healthy woman and destroyed her in the matter of about one month. Her and I only had each other, my father was killed by a cowardly gang banger when I was twelve and we had no extended family. She took care of me as best as a single mother could in Brownsville, New York.

The constant threat of drugs, violence, rape, murder, and whatever else a human could do to another is what, I believe, lead to her cancer appearing so rapidly. When she died so did my only glimmer of hope to escape the violence.

When I came home that day I knew something was wrong immediately. The door was locked, the lights were off, and no sounds were coming from our tiny apartment. I never called out to her; I didn’t even pick up my pace as I walked to her bedroom door.

I stared at her for a couple of minutes before assessing further that her hands were at her sides, legs perfectly straight, nightgown buttoned and smoothed down. How had she suffered through drowning in her own vomit without even trying to roll over or pluck at her throat with her hands? Was she that ready to die?

My morbid curiosity drove my feet forward and my hand stretched out towards her body. Her skin was cool, and the little color she had left from the cancer was gone also; leaving her skin a ghostly white. Saying I love you for the last time I reach up and close her eyes before walking out of the apartment.

Now I had nothing. I wouldn’t continue school, I wouldn’t waste my time on that when there was more money to be made as a drop out than with an education. I walked out and never looked back. The apartment manager can find the body when it starts to smell the place up and then they can take all the crap I left behind; there was nothing worth taking with me.

Living in the spot I did I knew who to avoid, who to see for work, who to see for protection, and pretty much who to see for anything I needed; as long as I was willing to work for it. With that knowledge I went to a man whose name, I will say, was Tony Viotala. He had known my father and indeed liked him, therefore was accepting of me. Tony had grown up in a well-respected and known Family. He was four years older than I, yet knew things of a man twenty years older. He had a quick temper, happy trigger finger, and intense personality. When I went to him, he was a collector for his Family.

He welcomed me with a hug and condolences for my mother and father, how he found out about my mother so quickly I don’t know. Allowing me to stay in the Family house that night he asked me for a favor, which I agreed to unquestioningly; again, happy trigger finger, quick to anger, not a good mix to refuse something too.

“So, I was thinking youngin, do you know a fella named Sal Yang? He goes to PS156, that’s where you go too, right?”

“Yeah, I know him. Short, black hair, Asian, has a group he rides with.”

“That’s him. I need you to do something for me, and to him.”

“Anything.”

His smile frightened me at first but I found myself smiling with him. The truth was, I have always admired the Families and wanted an in. Unlike the gangbangers, the families wouldn’t shoot you in the back or hurt women and children. They were admirable in my opinion.

“You’re going to help me and him feed the hogs.” He winks one of his dark brown eyes.

“How can I help?” I unconsciously lower my voice which makes him laugh.

“We don’t have to be quite here bud. There are no trees with ears around here. You’re going to find a way to get him to follow you to our spot.”

“What if his crew comes with him?”

“Then they can help feed too, the more the merrier.”

“When do you want me to do this?”

“Tomorrow, do you think you can?”

“I will try my absolute best, Tony.”

“Good. If you do, there’s a bit of money in it for ya. You’ll have to earn it though.”

He took a small pistol from his suit pocket and puts it in my hand. The smooth rounded hilt felt good against my hand, and the two- and half-inch gun easily concealed inside of it. Inspecting it I find that there is only space to load two bullets at a time; ejecting them I see a stamp in the casing of 9mm. I had never held a gun until that day, and when it was placed in my hand a power flooded through me. It was the birth of a new me.

Tony explained to me how it worked, I would need to pull the hammer back before drawing it and when I drew it pull the trigger as soon as I see Sal in front of the barrels. Describing when to take the life made Tony more animated. His hand movements quickened and his smile was more genuine. This man enjoyed taking lives; maybe I would too.

The next day I bumped my shoulder into Sal going to the lunch room. His anger flared and I apologized and told him I would pay him as an apology if he had time to follow me to my house. He was gullible enough to believe it and followed me without even calling his friends; he thought that his reputation as a banger would keep him safe.

When we got to the hog lot Sal seems to figure it out. He was older than me by a year, but with my broad shoulders and more muscular frame I was easily able to stop him from running as Tony pulled up in his car. I slammed Sal’s face into the rocky ground and rolled him over. Taking top mount, I pummeled his face in until Tony pulled me off and told me to stop.

Looking down I saw his face was completely deformed, and my knuckles were bloodied and cut up from his bones. There was no movement of his chest, no glint in his eyes, no twitching fingers, there was but a dead boy of seventeen with a face unrecognizable under me.

“Damn kiddo! I told you to shoot him, not beat him to mush. That was brilliant though, damn I didn’t think you would actually kill him. Good for you! Welcome to the Family.” Tony shakes my hand with a smile as a couple of his men pick up the body and carry it into the warehouse behind us.

With my test for the Family complete, I was in. I dropped out of the school and devoted my time to the Family. The dealings within I must keep quiet on, or risk exposing the few people I ever respected. In my years of service, I acquired wealth, women, estates, businesses, and more. For every dollar I made, the Family was making ten and I was making a lot of dollars.

They were happy with my service, pleased with my willingness to do whatever it took to succeed, and admiring of my calculating quietness. I raised through the ranks quickly to become one of the top Collectors under Tony. The privilege came with more responsibilities and more contracts. I alone kept the pigs fed for many years.

Chapter 3

As I stated before I kept those hogs fed plenty over the years. The first four years were the most brutal. Until I was twenty it seemed like I had a contract a week that required a visit to the warehouse. It never bothered me, the killing, it did seem to bother Tony that it didn’t affect me though.

“Kiddo,” I don’t know why he called me that all the time, he did until he died years ago. “What goes through your mind when you pull your trigger, or flash that knife of yours?”

“With the trigger all I think about is if I need another shot. With my knife I think about where to wipe my blade off at.”

“You’re colder than anybody. You scare me a little bit.” He laughed at his own joke as I stood stock still. “You are good at this business, I just wanted to say thank you for being a part of this family. I consider you a good friend, kiddo. If you need anything all you have to do is ask for it, okay?”

“Understood, thank you Tony.” I bowed my head in respect. His elderly father came in during this and, hearing his oxygen tank, I drop to my knee for him. “Father, it’s great to see you.”

“Stand up, you don’t need to bow to me. My son thinks of you as a brother, that makes you my son. Tony, I need a word with you.”

“Yes, Father. I’ll talk to you later, Kiddo.”

I bow, turn on my heel, and walk out, quietly shutting the massive pocket doors behind me. The four large men outside, The Father’s personal guard, nod their heads at me. Their faces hidden behind sunglasses and face masks. I knew not then and still know not why they hid their faces like that.

Leaving the Family Mansion, I think about taking one of the communal vehicles for a ride. The newer truck is up armored and comfortable, but a bitch to drive within the city limits. Instead, I take to the sidewalk and make my way towards a favorite deli of mine. Owned by a good family that we protect, I always leave large tips to compensate them for their loses.

In a way it was kind of my way of repenting for my sins. I refused to do the normal duties of a Collector, and the Family was okay with it because I performed so well at collecting on the more violent debts owed to us.

As I’m about to walk in my phone chimes out my ringtone for Tony and I answer immediately.

“Get home now, I need you.”

“On my way.”

I wave at Clarissa inside and shrug before taking off at a dead sprint towards the mansion. When I get there, I find it locked down and two guards on the gate that know me, yet still refuse me access until they radioed to Tony.

When I get to Tony he is staring at a picture of his father and a single tear has formed under his left eye. I understand immediately but offer no condolences or psychical touch. I stand there beside him, waiting for instruction, waiting for anything. His head tilts towards me and he nods at the bench beside him.

“Sit down, we have business to discuss.”

“What’s happened?”

“Father is dead, I have ascended and am now in charge. I need you here with me the next couple days for protection. I can’t trust most of the people here to not try to grab the power and kill me. I only trust you right now.”

“I will defend you with my life, Father.”

“Thank you, kiddo. I knew I could count on you. There are other matters to discuss as well.”

“Anything, ask and it will be done.”

“I need you to collect a debt from my father’s guards. All four of them must pay, otherwise they might think they are more important than me.”

“Consider it done.” I want to ask why they would think that, but know it will either have no answer or cause him to doubt me as well.

I check the hallway on either side and, seeing nobody, I grab his shoulders and squeeze lightly.

“I’m truly sorry for your loss, Father. He was a stellar man and a pillar for us all to lean on when needed. I believe you are everything he was and have the potential to be more; I pledge myself to you from now, until the day I die.”

“As I pledge myself to this Family, its flourishing, and the success of the individual men and women in it.”

Him and I nod at each other before I stand up to complete the task that he set for me. The four men I had passed earlier this day have a date with death; I don’t want them to be late.

Chapter 4

They were all leaning against a wall looking at each other, possibly considering what Tony was worried about. My hand slides over the wooden hand grip of my 1911 and I turn into the room beside me. Shutting the door, I pull the pistol from my belt and eject the clip. There are seven shinning jacketed hollow points in it plus the one in the chamber. The .45 caliber bullet would blow a large chunk of their skulls out and be loud in an enclosed house, but nobody would bat an eye.

The cold steel feels like an extension of my own body as I place it back into the custom pocket of my suit pants that I keep it in. I take in the silence of the room before the chaos to come. I like silence, it lets me center myself and, in a way, prepare to provide the chaos. I take a deep breath and walk out of the room.

I look at the four men again and see the one closest to me slightly nod in my direction. With the sunglasses on I can’t be sure if he is looking at me or not, but decide to go with my instincts. I pull my pistol and fire at the one who nodded.

As expected the bullet tore his skull apart, splattering his brain over two of the other threes sunglasses. They are quick to draw their weapons, but I was quicker. I put two bullets into two heads and took aim at the third.

A piercing fire explodes in my stomach. There is something running down my stomach and leg. Ignoring the pain and whatever is streaming down my leg I pull the trigger three times at the last man. Pink mist explodes from the back of his chest and stomach. A hole appears in the wall beside his head as his body drops to the floor.

My legs seem to lose their ability to support me and I fall to my knees. Remembering the burning sensation and river of possible blood running down my leg I look down to find a hole in my side. Lucky for me the bullet went in and out of my left side, unlikely to hit any organ, but bleeding a lot. Which is why it’s hard to stand up now.

I holster my weapon and, using the wall as support, stand up. I walk towards the four men I just gunned down and check that they are actually dead before turning back around to go see the Family doctor.

The old man does a quick once over of my wound and patches it with gauze and tape before telling me to go away and get plenty of rest and water. Looking back on it now, I don’t think he was a good doctor…

When I got back to Tony, he was nothing but smiles. When he saw my wound, he was shocked until I told him I was okay. Smiling again he gave me a hug and told me to sit down.

“Kiddo, we have a big opportunity. Another Family’s Father will be in town next week. He’s never seen our farm, and I think he would like too.” Looking at my wound again he adds. “Do you think you’ll be well enough by then?”

“Of course, Father. I will always be ready when the Family needs me.”

“God, you’re a cold person kiddo. I love it. Get some rest this week, I’ll have someone else do your work; I need you one hundred percent next week.”

“Yes, Father. What is the plan next week?”

“I’m still working on that. I might have you come to the House on Saturday to help me brainstorm, so keep your phone on you.”

“Understood. I will be at my apartment waiting on your call. Thank you, Tony.”

“Not a problem, bud. Get some rest.”

I turn and leave, knowing Tony likes to have the last word I don’t say anything back. I get to the apartment without getting to much attention for the blood. Most of the people in this part of town know me. They just nod and keep walking. I don’t know if they respect me, or fear me, or hate me, and I don’t care what they think. As long as they leave me alone, that’s all I want.

The suit I wore that day I still have. It’s the first time I was shot, the blood stain and hole I never had fixed, and I damn sure wasn’t throwing it out. It’s framed over the desk which I am now writing at. I am proud to say I was only ever shot one other time. An attempt to murder Tony, that I jumped in front of the bullet for. His thanks for this was an enormous fortune.

At first I refused to accept it, explaining to him that’s what brothers do; but he kept on about it and broke me down. He gave me twenty million dollars and offered me an out. The only time anyone from our Family was offered one. He didn’t want me to accept it, and I didn’t. For this I was given another ten million.

Tony and I grew old watching over each other. I never let another person close to him without being searched for guns or knives, even our own Family members. For this I earned a degree of hatred from them that was forgiven with each new deed I accomplished for us.

Enough of the reminiscing though, people want to know the bloody details of my life to satisfy their love of death.

The Family Father that was meant to die was a large man. I’ll call him Joey for the sake of my ass staying out of prison. He had to weigh around three hundred pounds and was only five foot five inches. When he stepped out of the large SUV that he was being chauffeured around in the suspension gave a sigh and visibly raised, relieved from the stressful weight.

I watched through my optic, a Trijicon AccuPower 5-50x56, as he shuffled to his waiting goons at a bench in a wide-open park. The suppressed 6.5 Savage Rifle would send a bullet through his head at around three thousand twenty feet per second. The result of which would be instant death, just like Tony wanted.

I wait, allowing the man to receive his meal of a large steak, potatoes, asparagus, and peaches. Unknowingly to him, he was about to take his last bite of food. Just as he puts a piece of steak into his mouth, I slowly squeeze the trigger. Letting the small amount of recoil travel through my body as I lined up the second shot just in case.

His body slumped immediately, his blood and brain mixing with the blood from his rare steak. I watch for any movement, even a twitch would cause me to fire again. His men have already begun to move around him. Some panicking, only caring for themselves, taking cover. Others forming a half circle around their boss with guns drawn.

Thinking I see movement I send another round into the fat man’s skull. The bullet tears through his brain stem and out the top of his skull, sending pink spray all over the table. I drop to my knees on the roof of the building I was on and tear the gun apart. Even though I was around seven hundred yards out, the chance that his men saw the second shot is high. Unlike the first shot, they were ready for the second with watchful eyes covering every inch of the city they could see.

Wiping down the torn down parts of the gun, I place them in my backpack and rush down the fire escape. The deed was done and the man was dead. Now I have to ensure my escape. Since I took the second shot, I knew that my chance to make a perfect escape is lower. I’m not worried about someone finding me, I’m worried about disappointing Tony if I kill too many of their soldiers.

The goal of the hit wasn’t to start a war. It was to prevent one. Tony had gotten word that their Father wanted to take our turf. Apparently the only one who agreed with this was the Father whom I just killed. The rest of the Family wanted nothing to do with it; but couldn’t resist for obvious reasons. Tony’s hope is that without the Father to declare war that the Family would back off. Killing soldiers would only make other soldiers want to retaliate.

Tony had been right. After the task was done we received a messenger from the Family asking for forgiveness in their deceased Father’s desire to take us to war. The messenger thanked us for our understanding and Tony and I celebrated that night with many women for me, and a lot of cocaine for Tony. He had a bad addiction to the stuff, and I tried to keep him from it as often as I could. There’s only so many times I can go against him without losing his favor.

When the night is over our harsh reality sets in. While we were partying the protectors of the Family’s Father hit a group of our men. One of the men was Tony’s cousin and he vowed revenge tenfold. Tony immediately tasks me to find them, he wants one alive and the rest to suffer slow deaths. My k-bar knife is the tool I choose for the task. The heavy blade would once again know the feel of blood running over it.

The four men weren’t hard to find and seemed to be waiting for me. When I walked into the lobby of the hotel that they were at they were waiting with smiles on their faces.

“You must be the kid we have heard so much about. You’re the one who shot our Father, aren’t you?” The biggest man talked through gritted teeth, his muscles are flexed and his posture is ready to dart forward.

“I am. Why did you retaliate against the wrong people if you knew it was me?”

“We didn’t retaliate, we set a trap.” On cue four more men emerge behind me and the circle of eight tightens around me.

“After we have finished with you, it will be Tony next. Then your Family will belong to us.”

“For the sake of your personal families, I hope you’re right about my fate.”

One of the men rushed me from behind, I barely registered his footsteps and dove forward to miss his bat by an inch. I drew my knife and slashed into the soft flesh of one of their thighs and rolled to my feet. The man with the bat came forward again swinging wildly. I easily dodge his flurried attack and thrust the steel blade into his gut and drug it up, effectively ending his life and disemboweling him in one motion.

The blood made the floor slippery and I drop to a knee on accident. Right as I do a steel pipe swings above my head, by the grace of God I had been saved again. I throw myself backwards and send my knife into the groin of the man who had just sent a bar at my head. His blood runs down my arm and covers my face as I stab again and again. Where he used to have male parts is now nothing but a hole joined with his asshole.

Pushing this man over I get up to find the other four men looking at me and then sideways at each other. One of them goes into his coat pocket, causing me to rush forward in an effort to beat his gun being drawn. Two of the men step in front of him though. I slice one of their throats when the other one grabs hold of me and choke slams me into the bloody tile. Stars burst in front of my eyes as the world starts to spin.

He picks me up and bounces my head off the ground again. Blackness begins to rush over me as I hear three gun shots. The pressure leaves my throat as the man’s strong hand falls away. Two more shots ring out and I feel the vibration of a body hit the floor beside me.

“Kiddo, you alright? Come on dude, we got to go.” Tony’s voice surprises me.

“To… Tony? Why… Why are you… Why are you here?”

“Don’t worry about that right now. Get up, we got to go.”

I force myself to sit up and feel Tony’s hands under my arms lifting me. The warm barrel of his pistol touches my back as it hangs by his side. He puts one of my arms over his shoulder and helps me move outside. A car is waiting at the door of the hotel and he shoves me in, climbing in after me. He tells the driver to go and we do. Reality ceases to exist and I let sleep take me away from the pain.

“Wake up, Kid. We’re here.”

“Tony?”

“Yeah, who else? Open your fucking eyes.”

“Yes, Father.” I open my eyes and see Tony’s smile enlarge.

“Bout time, lazy bastard. We should be safe here for a while. It turns out, a couple of our own people wanted to take me out too. I found out and knew you were about to walk into a trap. Now, they are all dealt with and us two are it for now.”

“The Family? What about the rest of them?”

“We’re out, Kid. You and I are no longer part of a Family. We got each other and that’s it.”

“I’ll kill them all for you.”

“No, you won’t. We ARE OUT! Get it through your thick skull, dummy.”

“We may be out, but they owe you their lives.”

“Enough of this. Respect me or we are through also.”

“I do respect you, Tony. That’s why I want to avenge this treason.”

“NO! We are done with this. Get out of the car and let’s go inside. This house hasn’t been used in years, so we probably have some cleaning to do. Just because you about died doesn’t mean I’m going to take it easy on your scrawny ass.”

“Yes, Father.”

“No more of that either. My name is Tony.”

“Okay, Tony.”

He smiles and gets out of the car. We walk slowly up the large staircase leading to the massive house. The same house, in fact, that I still call home to this day. The large porch, grand staircase, massive windows, and everything else is exactly the same as when Tony and I came here fifty years ago.

Tony only resided with me for five, before overdosing on cocaine. A bender five days long ended with his body shutting down and never recuperating. In a way, I’m glad that’s how he went. I didn’t want to see him bleeding out, in jail, or something else that is the normal for men like us.

When Tony died so did my murderous desires. I didn’t want to be part of that anymore. I had the taste, I liked the taste, I did it hundreds of times, and now I’m bored of it. Just like a fat kid who gets everything he ever wants, the things become boring and meaningless because he never loses or gets told no.

When Tony died I met the love of my life. I will call her Adeline. Adeline was an angel in my eyes. She had dark hair, an angular nose, deep green eyes, full lips, high cheekbones, pretty olive skin, and stood around six foot and weighed less than a feather. She had walked the catwalks of Paris, New York, and wherever the fuck else models went.

Her and I met by random chance. She was walking a large pit bull dog and when the mutt saw me it started barking and snarling. I smiled at the beast and knelt down before it; allowing it to sniff my face and throat. Waiting for it to lunge at me. When it didn’t, I pet it and told it to sit, which it did immediately.

“Wow, I have never got him to sit like that! How are you not scared of him? Everyone else is!” Her voice was high pitched and dramatic.

“He knows who the alpha is. What’s your name?”

“Adeline Lime, I know it sounds fake but I promise it’s not. What’s yours?”

“People call me kiddo.”

“Are you making fun of me? My name sounds fake, so you give me a fake name?” Her laugh is cute and I can’t stop myself from a smile.

“Not at all, that’s what I have been called for as long as I can remember. My real name is simply Mikey.”

“I like Kiddo better.”

“Me too.” I smile at her and wait.

“So, are you going to ask me for my number? Maybe a date?”

“Of course I am, Adeline. May I have your number, and call you to set up a date?”

“Yes!” She takes my cell phone and puts her name and number into the phone book. “You better actually call me. I haven’t given my number out for like two years, don’t let me down!”

“A woman that looks as gorgeous as you, I don’t think the dumbest person on earth would let you down.”

She blushes and turns away. “I have to get going though. Got to get Max back to his owner. I walk him as a sort of payment for living with an older couple.”

“Oh, okay. Well, keep your phone close.” I smile as she walks away. Her tight jeans show her curves well. A desire floods over me that I haven’t felt since that day at the hotel. Instead of for death, this desire was one of lust. Something I never knew before now.

When I called Adeline she picked up on the first ring.

“Kiddo? I’m guessing it’s you since I don’t have this number saved.”

“It is me, are you busy tomorrow night for dinner? I am a pretty good cook, and would love some company.”

“At your house? For the first date? Hmm, you could be a creepy murderer or something. How about we do something public for the first date, and go from there? I know a good Italian place a couple streets from where we met if you like Italian.”

“I love Italian. What time, and what’s the name?”

“Tony’s Pasta, what about seven?”

“Tony’s?” My mind races back to my best friend, my brother. Is this some kind of cruel joke?

“Yeah, it’s a newer place. Does seven work for you, Kiddo?”

“Yup, I will be there. See you then!”

I think about the possibilities and chances of this being a trap. It’s been years since Tony or I have done anything illegal. It’s been longer since I have taken a life. I walk to the bookshelf and spin it around, revealing the hidden gun stash behind. I pick up my k-bar knife and the 1911 I trusted with my life. If it was a trap, I wouldn’t go down alone.

Chapter 5

Adeline and I’s date went well. There was no trap, no evil intent, it was just an old-fashioned dinner date. We ate, drank, talked, and laughed until the restaurant closed down and decided to do it again.

Twelve months later we were married and she was a month pregnant. I moved her into my house and grew with her. She made my house into a home, and didn’t mind the odd pictures I had everywhere of Tony.

In fact, she never even asked me about him. Finally, I told her about my past, my friend, my Family. She didn’t bat an eye, or seem bothered at all. She only asked about Tony. What he was like, did he leave any children behind, do I visit his grave. Things like that.

Then it came time for Adeline to give birth. We found out the sex, and were expecting a little boy. His name would be Tony.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Adeline bled out while trying to give birth, and the doctor was inexperienced and for the second time in my life I lost Tony. With this stroke of bad luck, I lost everything. The doctor was involved in a car crash not two days after this, taking his life plus his wife and two children’s. My mechanical skills proved good as ever.

I fell hard after this. There were nightmares, drugs, alcohol, and the contracts came floating in. Once the news got out that I was back at it, the work flooded in.

One man needed to learn about payment without dying. One needed to learn to leave other people’s wives alone. One man needed to learn to treat people that he didn’t know better. I took them all. No women, no children; those were the only two rules I had.

My old Family members approached me and asked for work after this. With each one that came, I lost an old acquaintance. Their blood still stains some of the wood flooring of this house. They abandoned Tony and I when we needed them most. They would die in the same place Tony did.

Everything I did seemed to have a red tint to it. So much so that the red of blood seemed to be tinted brighter than it should be. The acid might have had something to do with that. I started using it to see Adeline and my Tony’s. The baby I never got to hold, the brother I couldn’t save, and the wife who never judged. They are who I still see at night.

People say that when you come home from war you see the people you killed, beckoning to you to join them in the afterlife. They say you see your friends in their dying seconds over and over again. I have killed many people in my life, yet only see the three people I loved. I don’t see the people I sent to the farm. I don’t see my acquaintances that considered themselves my friends. I only see those three.

It makes me sad to reminisce about them. The young lives snuffed out by drugs, and incompetent doctoring. I was able to stop doing drugs four years after the doctor and his family died. The sheer willpower it took was almost unbearable. For four years I had done every drug imaginable, fucked any hooker that wanted my money, and took any contract sent my way.

After kicking the addictions of drug, women, booze, and murder I stayed in the house for two solid years. Using food services to stock my kitchen, and paying for the bills in the massive amount of cash I accumulated from the new work. I stared at the walls, hated the quiet, and kept the house immaculately clean.

The mind-numbing tasks I suffered through were all that kept me from blowing my own brains out. The desire to be with Tony, Adeline, and Tony Jr. was too intense to ignore. I was nothing but a shell of a human. The soul I once might have had was gone, the love for man extinct. Years passed as I sat there alone in the house.

My skin started to sag, my bones creaked, and my heart moved slower than ever. Instead of the black hair I once had, I now see grey fall into the sink when I shave. My eyesight has gotten so bad that I have to bring my books to my nose to read, and I couldn’t get hard if my life depended on it.

That’s when I decided to write this book. The Family won’t approve, the cops will have evidence against me, other Families will want to finish my old one off, and other consequences that I can’t foresee will happen. However, maybe from this tale of sadness will come a kid in my exact situation that chooses a different life.

Maybe a child loses everything and has the opportunity to take the road I did; after reading what that life entails maybe they’ll think differently. That is what I hope, that is what my goal is with this memoir.

I have gained a lot of material objects in this life, that is no lie. I have had many beautiful women, and some not so beautiful. I have never worried for money; I have never wanted a thing I couldn’t get.

Yet, now that I am dying, I have nobody to pass it onto. I have no friends, family, lover, wife, hell I don’t even have acquaintances. Everything I gained in life is going to go to the state. My wife died as did my son. The credit to which I give to the vengeful god above. He taught me a lesson with their lives. That lesson I take to be, as Marty Robbins said in his 1959 song Master’s Call, “The Master had a reason, life is his to take or give.” I had taken many lives, therefore he took the three that mattered to me.

When my heart stops, and the breathing ceases there will be no one to mourn me. There will be no funeral, there will be no one holding my hand with tears flowing down their face. I will probably slip away in my sleep; the grim reaper will appear and offer his hand to me. I’ll ask if it’s truly my time, is there no other way? His hooded head will shake “no” and I will only be able to comply. Taking his hand, the darkness will take hold and never cease. Whatever awaits our souls on the other side will be my eternity.

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