Discovering you have a sex offender in your close circle

I recently discovered that my family member, and one of my closest friends in the world, is a sexual predator. And because of his lies and denial, the full extent of his problem may well never come to light.

I thought when I got to my forties that drama and big life-changes would slow right down. I’ve survived a lot over the last couple of years, and more recently, separated myself from some toxic situations that I didn’t think in a million years I would find myself in as an adult.

It’s helped me to write about one such life-changing situation, as for the days and weeks following on from it, the emotions were so intense and devastating that I didn’t understand how I would survive it, or ever begin to feel ‘normal’ again. A couple of months on, I’ve had a LOT of support from many sources, and done a lot of Googling. I don’t feel normal but I do feel okay. I do know I will survive this. And I wanted to talk about it (whilst not naming names) because I know I am not alone, and it is such a unique set of emotions that I want to speak out and potentially help others know that they are not alone either.

This is somebody I was extremely close to. I thought we would be best mates forever, that he was someone I could trust. I endorsed him, put his name forward, recommended him to people.

I can’t (and won’t) go into details, but I had to cut ties, socially, and in every other way. I also had to protect my daughter, as I was not 100% sure that he wasn’t capable of hurting her. It turns out that many of the people around me who had been in contact with him, were uncomfortable around him in various ways.

Some had spotted specific behavioural traits that were disturbing; most just had a feeling of ‘something not being right’ about him.

The circumstances are so dire, and the serious and troubling accusations against him, against various vulnerable groups of people, go back such a long way, that, even if I could have given him the benefit of the doubt for the recent events (which possibly involved a minor) there was too much else causing me doubts. Not to mention twenty years of various other behavioural ‘red flags’ that, at the time, I had misunderstood or given him the benefit of the doubt on, because I figured his background and personal trauma had made him anti-social in certain ways. To cut a long story short, I thought he was ‘harmless.’ But now I see him in a whole other way. He is a danger to others, and I have had to do everything in my power to try and ensure that he can’t harm anybody else.

We went through everything to try and find out the truth, after it was obvious that he wasn’t going to be honest about what he had been accused of. I spoke to the police, I ran background checks. I gave him an ultimatum, that he either admits that he has a serious problem and seeks help, or I would not be able to continue to give him support or have contact with him.

When he did finally apologise (but still denied having a problem) it was a ‘politician’s apology,’ i.e. meaningless. With no real remorse or even acceptance for what he had done.

I thought the despair I was experiencing, would drive me insane. I considered doing all sorts of mad things to try and expose him, and ‘nudge’ him to get help. I realised that I had to stop blaming myself. As the police AND my counsellor said to me: I have done nothing wrong. He is responsible for his actions, and only he can get help. It is not my fault (or my problem) that he has done appalling things and is denying it all.

After weeks of trying to cope, investigate, and find closure, I wrote him a long letter, detailing my exact feelings and thoughts over his massive betrayal of trust, and put it through his door. He has not responded, and has since shut down, refusing all contact, and I have told him to stay away from me, and my family.

I want to list all the emotions I went through, because to find out a person you deemed ‘good’ and ‘strong’ and a ‘role-model,’ someone you had in your home, invited to every family party, supported through every kind of life problem, helped for twenty years, gave them a place to live twice, helped connect with others; is something so horrific that he is now a stranger to you; it pulls the rug out from under your very reality:

I felt:

Suicidal depression

Shame: does this run in my family?

Rage

Confusion: How do I begin to make sense of this?

Anxiety: How did I not see this? How did I trust them for so long?

Denial: how could he have done these things? How could I have got him so wrong?

Upset

Betrayal

Disbelief

Anger at yourself

Anger at how they can be in denial over such serious issues

Anger at how willingly they can throw away their whole family, because they will not admit they have a serious problem that affects them, and how other people see them

This is not something that hopefully most people will ever experience. But to those who have, I want to give hope that you WILL come through this, that it is NOT your fault, especially if you survived abuse yourself, that when a person is this traumatised and so in denial that they are capable of sexual deviancy without admitting it, nobody can ‘save’ them, and the help they need has to come from them.

You have to know your boundaries, and what you will and will not associate with. For me, sexual offences, are not something I will associate with or excuse for any reason. If the person agrees to get help, I could support from a distance. But for them to deny and pretend that they are the victim, is not something that is healthy to be around.

I was reassured by my counsellor and also by the police, that however hard it was, I did the right thing stopping all contact with this person. Especially to protect young family members.

To those who ever experience this – stay strong. I sought help from the following, and they helped me when I was at my lowest and not knowing where to turn:

My partner

Close friends

NAPAC

The Lucy Faithfull Foundation

Stop It Now

Betterhelp (for counselling)

The police

If this piece has triggered anything for you and you want to talk about it, do email me at: [email protected]