Dear Mom:

Dear Mom:

I am hurt. No, I am hurting. I have been for nearly 9 years. And I've been wanting to say this to you, wanting to vent my hurt and anger and frustration for all this time.

But I can't. Not really. Because I don't feel safe enough to be honest with you. Because I worry about the potential backlash for my little family. Because I worry about all the drama that is sure to unfold if I dare to open my mouth and speak my truth.

So... I'll write you this letter that I'll never send. That you'll never read. I know that for a fact - because that is the foundation my hurt is built upon.

Favoritism runs rampant in your family - as it does in mine. The little brothers are always the favorite, it seems. My husband has dealt with it his whole life, so it's nothing new to him. Though I got used to it with my own family, I thought maybe things would be different when I married into yours. How heartbreakingly wrong I was.

Even into adulthood, one child receives favor above the rest - his wife and children along with him. Never mind the spouting of love and familial bond that spews forth from everyone's mouth - the truth is glaringly obvious. One child is preferred.

It hurts my heart. Every. Single. Time. I've let it lie, left it alone, vented to my husband but otherwise kept my mouth shut to keep the peace.

Until today.

Today, my heart broke yet again into a million pieces as you touted the praises of the favored daughter-in-law, acknowledged her accomplishment. An accomplishment identical to the one I achieved 4 months ago, on which you uttered not a word.

No social media fan fare for me. No "congratulations" or "we're so proud of you." Nothing. Not for me. Only for her. And worse, still, your remarks of "I had no idea" when I can recall the exact date I told you of my plan. I remember exactly where I was standing, how the conversation went, what was said. On that very day, when we spoke, I was already hurting over the fact that it was my birthday and your call to me was an afterthought - despite this family's love of calling and singing to everyone on their birthday. On that very day, you learned of my upcoming accomplishment and said all the "right" things.

That accomplishment came and went without so much as a peep from you.

This is just the most recent instance in a long line of similar situations. Like when we became pregnant with our first - the last of the adult children to have a child - and 4 months later we were overshadowed and forgotten because the favored family announced their pregnancy with their third. Or the time you offered to pay for us to come visit for Christmas only to decide you couldn't afford to since the favored child couldn't be there. One minute you could afford it and were willing, the next, you couldn't and weren't. We were denied the joy of a family Christmas simply because the favored child wouldn't be there. And all the while we were regularly bombarded by your pleas for us to move closer, to visit more, to do more to be a part of the family. So we did, and it's still not enough.

This list goes on - 9 years of slights and hurt feelings. 9 long years.

I'm not asking to be the center of attention. I'm not asking to be revered and held above all others. I'm just asking to be equal.

I'm asking to be treated as a member of the family. I'm asking to be treated with the love you claim to have for me. How am I supposed to feel like a part of the family, like you actually care about me, when you treat me as if I don't really matter, don't really exist?

How is my husband supposed to feel? Or my daughter? Equally slighted in your quest to dote upon your favored family.

No - I don't need to be the favorite or the center of the attention. But I deserve to be acknowledged, to be considered as the worthy person that I am.

I deserve to stop being in last place. Just once, I deserve a shot at first place - or at the very least, the chance to stand on equal ground.

Love is conditional. I'm tired of trying to figure out your conditions and tired of trying to meet them.

Either I'm an equal member of the family deserving of family love, or I'm not.

And if I'm not, then I'm done trying and I'm done caring.

And that's on you.

Sincerely,

Slighted, frustrated, devastated, and done - Your daughter-in-law