A Letter to You: Pattie

I miss you.

This letter won’t reach you by conventional means. However, it will be read by many. I want the world to read the story that I wish could be written in the stars. If it was, it would be closer to you.

This is but a glimpse into the down to earth yet larger than life tale of an extraordinary individual. It should be admired, like you always were. You shined. And your fire’s light will burn bright for years far beyond what I can conceive. I’ll always be drawn to you but for now you are beyond my reach.

The brightest star.

Your light called to those around you. Your resplendent smile was infectious and blinding. It was probably because your teeth were too white, too perfect. But nonetheless, they were brilliant. You were brilliant. Now when I think of you, I know it’s you who lights the night sky. And as I lay lazily in bed, gazing out my window, I take in the peace you give. And the calm of darkness steals my wake and sleep takes me away.

I dream of you.

I drift into warmth and comfort. I’m taken back to heat raging on my face. I open my eyes and I’m on the beach. I lay next to you. I look over and am met by your green gaze shielded by sunglasses. I see you there glowing in the heat of the sun, burning actually. But you like the sun. You love it, crave it even. You prefer dry heat but there’s also nothing like the beach. There’s something about the way the waves set us at ease. Familiar relaxation of the moment sets in. And the salty sea’s breeze wanders over to me and kisses my nose. It's mixed with the faint scent of Swedish fish. I smile knowing it came from you. I bask in the nostalgia of it. I again close my eyes. And I’m carried away to us munching on snacks screaming along to the radio in the car. Windows down, hair blowing in the wind we were always driving fast. That was how we were. Everything was too fast. It was bittersweet.

Sweet. You loved sweets. Twizzlers, lollipops, tootsie rolls-- you name it. You loved them all. And you were just as sugary as them, if not more. You were charismatic and filled with affection. You exuded love and you wore it. You wore it well, like your favorite outfit, edgy. It had swag, like your style.

You wore bomber jackets over your favorite t-shirt half tucked into your jeans, one leg rolled up and the other tucked into your timberland boots. They hid your red painted toes. You often had French manicured hands complimented by rings that adorned your fingers. Your hair was an enigma. It was long one day, short the next. It was burgundy. It was purple. It was expressive. But the last hairstyle I remember you wearing made me question one thing. Did you want to look like me? You did what you could to make your hair curl, like mine. It was long, like mine. It was luscious, but not as mouth water as mine. Let’s be honest. You even dyed it blonde. Maybe that was because of your love for the sun. But I’ll still contribute it to your unspoken tribute to me.

Me, your shadow. Wherever you went, I was never too far behind. I cherish the little yet irreplaceable memories. You were there for me, you and dad. You guys were apart more than you were in a relationship, in my lifetime. But I still looked forward to the few times we could be in the same place. For that reason, I loved sporting and school events. You both were there. I even loved pictures. Because momentarily we were the cutest shit ever. You two had a love hate relationship. You bickered and bothered each other. But you always stood up for me, fiercely. It was almost too fierce. In some instances, I was a little afraid of just how far you two would go for me.

When I met the first boy I liked. Mom, you drove over to pick up dad. You guys put your shit aside to go to this boy’s house to make sure he put respect on my name. I was your prized possession. You weirdos didn’t always know what to do with me. But you loved the hell out of me.

I feel it every day. It makes me lighter than the clouds. It takes me higher than the stratosphere. From this altitude, I can look over the places we’ve been, the moments we’ve shared, and I can rest knowing that you both loved me. You guys, wherever you are, love me. With that thought I float back to earth, back to my room, and am grounded knowing that everything will somehow be alright.

The sun rises and I wake. I open my eyes. Once again I look up to the sky, to you, mom, and am lost in an endless hue of cobalt blue. I daydream of where you are. And I think of wide-open spaces. I think you’re free and healthy. And your hair is blowing in the wind as you drive your motorcycle down a long road. To me, you’re somewhere warm where the sun never ceases to shine. You smile. And I imagine that it's beaucause you somehow hear me convey to you that you did a great job. You were complex. You taught me independence. You showed me that we were meant to be free. I’ll never feel the need to rely on anyone. You were the best mom.

Everyone has their ups and downs. No one is faultless. And we all have our own demons to battle in our own way. We all deserve grace. Don’t doubt yourself. You’d be proud of me. And that means you should be proud of yourself too. You built in me a firm foundation for success. You made me a protector. You showed me the importance of fierce love and loyalty. I am confident. I am bold. I am passionate. I am my mother’s daughter. And I carry you with me always. I love you to the moon and back.

Made from love,

Curly