There’s No Music In My Headphones
My Autism Confession 1
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My name is Angel and this is my autistic confession.
If you walk into the break room at my work while I’m having lunch, you may notice that I’m wearing headphones. The headphones are usually connected to my cellphone.
But here is my secret.
Most of the time, I’m not listening to anything. I just don’t want to talk to you.
Does this make me sound like a rude or unfriendly person? Let me explain. In other circumstances, I’d be happy to talk to you! If you were my aunt’s friend and you joined us for dinner, or if I met you on the beach (especially if you had a dog with you), or if we worked in the same room, or in just about any other circumstances… I’d probably talk to you!
But when I’m at work I have to conserve every ounce of my energy.
See, every day I wake up as my autistic self. I love to read. I write and illustrate stories for children. I love animals so much, my heart could explode, and I love spending time with them. I like perusing the internet, or going on walks in nature. These are all things I do alone. I don’t have to worry about what someone else is thinking about me.
Sometimes I enjoy being social as well. I like to go to my aunt and uncle’s house to play board games and have dinner with them and my cousin. I like to go to my friend Patrick’s house, where sometimes we play games, sometimes we watch movies, and sometimes we just talk and laugh and be ridiculous together. Sometimes I like to go on hikes with my friend Kathy and her dog. In these circumstances, with people I know well and feel comfortable around, I can be my true self.
Workdays are different.
On workdays, I have to convince the world that I’m like everyone else.
Some of my coworkers know that I’m autistic, but they don’t know what that means. They don’t realize that I have to give myself a constant pep talk inside my brain to get myself through the anxiety of each micro-situation.
“It’s alright, Angel, you’re doing great. Soon we’ll be home. This is okay. Pay attention. Focus. Just stop talking. It’s fine, they didn’t notice you rocking in your seat. That was a stupid thing to say. Don’t talk at all. It’s okay. A few more hours. Deep breaths. I know that person scolded you, but you didn’t do anything wrong really. Deep breaths. Just ignore. Don’t cry. We can’t cry here. Focus. Think about your cats. That will help you feel calm. But focus. Stay present. Act normal. Did you just flap? Hold it together. Only a little while longer. You can do this. ”
I am tense all day long, unsure of myself. So when I get to the break room, I just want to relax. I treasure my breaks. I need that time with no pressure.
Over the years, at all different jobs, I’ve learned that other people get energy from socializing during their breaks. At any moment, someone might come to sit near me and introduce themselves. They’ll want to know what area I work in, how long I’ve worked here, where I worked before, where I live, who lives with me, whether I’m married, what I’m having for lunch, and what I’m doing on the weekend.
That is a lot of conversation to have with a person who will probably remain only a distant acquaintance in my life. That is a lot of extra effort I need to put forth to hold myself together, focus on having manners, try not to say anything weird, and avoid giving out too much information. They don’t need to know that I spent last summer in a psych hospital because my service dog died and my brain spiraled out of control. They don’t even want to know that!
Often I bring a book to work so I can read during my lunch break. But I found that reading a book invites people to ask what I’m reading, what is the book about, is it a good book, and what other books have I read? Before I know it, my break is over, and I didn’t get to read my book.
When I first started my current job, I had a bunch of Audible credits stored up. I started bringing headphones in my purse, so I could listen to books on my break. Putting the headphones on seemed to signal to everyone that I was not available for small talk. When I was wearing my headphones, people who came in would just smile, raise a silent hand in greeting, and leave me to my own devices.
Then I used up all of my Audible credits. I had to go back to bringing regular books. However, I didn’t want to give up the personal space my headphones afforded me.
So now, at every lunch break, I plug my headphones into my phone and put them on. I eat my lunch and read a book. People assume I’m listening to music as I read. As an added bonus, the headphones block out some of the sounds of the noisy conversations going on around me.
Wearing headphones on my break allows me to have that time by myself to recharge, so I can make it through the rest of my day. I’m sorry if this seems rude to you. But my life is filled with little tricks like this, coping mechanisms I use to get through each moment.
Maybe someday we’ll both be working in the same room, or maybe we’ll pass each other in the halls. I’ll be glad to say hi then. I’ll even be glad to talk with you for a while. But when I have my headphones on, please let me have that time to just be alone.
About the Creator
Angel Mann
I am an alien. I’ve been diagnosed with autism and ADHD, which explain some but not all aspects of my life. Maybe I really am from a different planet. Until that planet is discovered, I have to learn to survive here on Earth.
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