The Unboyfriend

On instagram the other day, I saw a woman post, "I don't want a smash and pass, but I don't want a boyfriend either." This is the best description I've seen about new, healthy relationships that are not permament, traditional relationships. Maybe it's because the AIDS crisis is mostly over, maybe too many people have lost everything in a divorce, or maybe it's because secular humanism is very common right now, but we are in the midst of a new sexual revolution, and I am loving every minute of it.

I'm in the midst of redefining myself and redefining my relationships after an $87,000 dollar divorce. Yes, you read that right - $87,000! I have rushed into relationships far too quickly, settled if you will, and generally made bad decisions about men in general. I have even adopted their way of life and taken their name, raised their children (nearly on my own). I know I will never get married again. I know this much is true, but I still have needs; needs that are biological in nature, and we as women have to stop settling for bad sex and unwanted sexual advances. Stop having revenge sex, pity sex, and sex just to shut men up. Sometimes, just sometimes, we need to put our sexual needs first. Stop worrying about the kids, the jobs, the aging parents, and leaking roof, and just stop to smell the roses. There is a very healing power to orgasms and we don't need to apologize for it.

Now, more than ever, women need to be independent. In fact, independence is sexy. Men no longer want a stay at home wife. Men want a partner. The problem is that most marriages end in divorce, and during that marriage, many spouses will cheat. Men and women will both experience hyper-sexuality, but at different times in their lives. At the end of the day, the sex will grow stale and you will want a new partner. I know its a contrast to every Disney movie ever made, but its reality. The average marriage lasts no longer now than it did one hundred years ago. The difference is that one hundred years ago, women died in childbirth quite frequently. Men needed a replacement mom and got remarried. The same holds true today, but marriages no longer end in death. Men still need replacement moms, but second marriages have a staggering 80 percent divorce rate. Who wants to be the person that is married for a third time? Who wants to be the person that is considered an infidel? Who wants to embarrassed because they need companionship?

My solution, for the time being, is an unboyfriend. I like that term because "friends with benefits" sounds slutty to me. It's also overused and quite frankly sounds like an "it's complicated status" on facebook. Plus, I do love Alice in Wonderland. If she can have an unbirthday, I can have an unboyfriend. I know in my heart, I am not meant for a temporary relationship, and I will settle down someday, but not now. I put my life on hold for my children and my aging parents, a husband who I don't think ever really liked me, he just liked my paychecks. I have been used and abused and my heart has had enough. I want a best friend more than anything, and sometimes, we will sleep together, no strings attached. At the end of the day, a best friend is better than a lover, and I have an unboyfriend for now. It has all the trappings of a real relationship, so be cautious of getting attached, but truly in your heart you know the guy will be temporary. Disney has convinced you otherwise, but your dudes will come and go, but family and friends are forever.

I know this sounds cliche, but I am in the midst of finding myself. There is an unexpected joy in being single. Having been married 28 years of my 52 year old life, I never really had my own identity. I'm still trying figure out what I want to do with my life. Should I get my PhD? Should I write a book? Should I try again, at my education career that is dreadfully draining? The sky is truly the limit. I know what I don't need, and that is a man. My father left, both my husbands left, even my stepson left (after numerous promises from all that they would be around forever). Women are allegedly flaky, but men are notoriously untrustworthy. Ask any one of Henry the VIII's wifes. We have two parts that fit, and that's it. If I sound jaded, I am. But I won't be forever. In fact, I find my unboyfriend to be part of the healing process.

My unboyfriend is thoughtful and sweet. Has taken me to dinner and bought me gifts. I don't know why, but for me, once you put the "boyfriend" label on it, everything changes. As we are honest with each other, it works. One day, I will find a soulmate (I hope - I do believe in Disney movies a little), but with my unboyfriend I can tell him I found someone new, and we can stay friends afterwards. Friends with benefits are more than just sexual benefits. We will read the same books, netflix and chill together, even teach other new cooking skills. He has a Harley, and I have a pool. Ideally, what I want for now, is one date night a week, and a vacation partner. It's not safe for women to travel alone, and I'll be honest, vacation sex is fantastic.

I am not quick to sleep with a man, I don't want to pick up a man at bar, and I don't have time for a traditional boyfriend. My divorce shattered my life in more ways than one, and I need to focus on my career. We are no longer in an economy where you go to school for one career and stay there until you retire. Everyone needs to be a life-long learner to succeed in this job market. I am to busy with my hobbies, hiking, self-improvement and self-discovery to have hitch my rope to one horse. The greatest consideration of all for me right now, is what man will mesh with my future grandkids. In this economy, our children need us to help raise their children. As they say it takes a village. There is also something to be said for celebacy, which is probably next after this unboyfriend grows stale.

Ladies, find yourself a guy who will respect you enough to have the honest, uncomfortable conversations that it will take to find a relationship like mine. Avoiding those uncomfortable conversations is what leads to relationship problems in the first place. Sometimes I even think of him as a practice boyfriend because one day I do hope to have a real boyfriend, but not right now. The goal is to have a trial run with men before finding the one you want to settle down with.

It's one of my six impossible ideas today, but I think I'm onto to something with this unboyfriend business. If your religious beliefs allow it, don't put a ring on it, just stop and smell the roses. The new sexual revolution is here, so get used to it, or your heart will be broken too.