Reason #187 to have a Unboyfriend

I decided to write about my unboyfriend because it seems that many of you are in the same boat, or at least you want to be. My daughter kept referring to my friend as my boyfriend, and I quite tersely answered repeatedly that he is not my boyfriend. If you take a minute to read my Sobriety vs Soulmates article, you will know why I can't have a soulmate at this time. So let me just jump in as to why the Unboyfriend works for ME. It may not work for you, and that's okay. My decision has nothing to do with any of you except myself and the guy I'm choosing to hang out with RIGHT NOW. I've decided to add "right now" to all my sentences because my moods change like Ohio weather. Jobs, relationships, and where I want to live when I retire change on the daily. So right now, this is why I have to be untethered.

1. First and foremost, my sobriety has to be the first thing I choose when I wake in the morning. It took many, many attempts to get sober. Too many to count really. I was in a quite toxic relationship with a guy that I met at the bar. When you're an alcoholic, you hang out with people that drink when you want to drink, or at least don't make a fuss if you drink near constantly. Unfortunately, this relationship took my alcoholism to depths even I didn't know I was capable of. I was at the bar drinking by 11 a.m. We did pub crawls on the daily and I spent a quarter of a million dollars in one season. A quarter of million dollars - all of my retirement and home equity, paychecks, everything I ever owned went to the bar. This is quite a problem.

2. I have a lot of problems, too many to count at times. I need to work on myself. The best advice I can give to the newly sober is to be single while you try to get sober. I was too concerned with what my boyfriend was doing to get sober. I was a Budweiser Widow. If I am coaching the newly sober, I need to practice what I preach, which is being single works! I cannot stress that enough.

3. My spending problems are ridiculous. By a conservative estimate, I have saved $70,000 by not drinking. My brother, who is currently helping me financially, expects that that $70,000 grand is being saved. The harsh reality is that I will never be able to make enough money to pay him back or help him like he is helping me. I am using this time to write my story to give people hope. The best I can do at the end of the day is be a good role model. I can feed you and drive you places, but not much else if you don't want help.

4. I currently have about $15 K in debt. That may not be much to you, but on my teacher's salary, it is oppressive. I cannot expect somebody to take on my bills. On the other hand, I am getting used to being single. I, more than likely, will never have a husband again. If I am as successful as I want to be, I would have to pay alimony to an ex-spouse.

5. I want my freedom and give freedom too. In fact, I give so much freedom that my ex-husbands have used that time to hang out with their mistresses. I am a wanderer, I always have been and always will be. Currently, I have no one to wander with, so I got off track and was spending too much time with my unboyfriend. We openly discussed that this was not the direction that our relationship should go to. I know in my heart, that a real relationship is not there for several reasons. But as I have an addictive personality, I get addicted to people too. I started treating him as one of my girlfriends in some ways. I was giving him too many updates, and vice versa. At the end of day, if my plans change and a long-lost friend or brother surfaces, I need to cancel on him, he understands. A traditional boyfriend doesn't.

6. My current relationship status is working my ass off to become someone I am truly proud of. I can't do that while living in the shadow of anyone else, including a boyfriend, or my mother, god rest her soul. As alcoholism is a family disease, I have a lot of baggage from my childhood that I'm not ready to talk about and not sure I'll ever share. I've decided to keep some things private for family peace reasons. I do too much to keep the peace, which is how I ended up drinking with my ex-husband. I knew whenever I spoke, it would cause a fight, so I drank too keep quiet.

7. I have obsessive-compulsive thoughts. Instead of ear worms, I have brain worms. Once a thought gets into my head, I can't get it out. I am overly concerned that I have pissed off my unboyfriend at times. The same is true of all my relationships. I has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. I'm a people pleaser. Its a trait of addicts everywhere.

8. The pandemic has changed everything. Where I work, who I hang around with, the amount of time that I'm sleeping. Everything. I'm trying to find a new normal while still being comfortable in my own skin.

9. I need to be able to witness the injustices of the world, and not to try to save everybody. If I have learned nothing from my life coach, it is that I am a rescuing victim. And yes, having a life coach is as pretentious as it sounds. However, I have been so poor that I can't even afford a burger at McDonalds and even lived in a trailer park, but I also know it is only due to some genetic lottery and unbelievable timing, that I am not living in a van down by the river. Truly it is nothing short of luck, compassionate capitalism, and this dot com industry.

10. If you ask my how adulting is going, I'll tell you I try to cook food without the burner on. I am afraid of my gas appliances. I am the quinetessential absent minded professor. Or as my friend Kate would say, I have a new thing every week. I can compute statistics by hand and write a dictionary, but I can't figure out a checking account. No man wants that, needs that, and shouldn't put up with that. As I said before, no man wants your good, bad and ugly. Trust me, they only want the good parts, or the parts that fit in the box they have for you. For better or for worse is a thing of the past, for your grandparents generation. Sadly, I don't believe it is still true today. Yes, I'm jaded, but I have been divorced twice. I'm not even allowed to speak to one of my exhusbands under court order and with the threat of being arrested - again. Friendly piece of advice, if a judge tells you not to do something, and you do it anyway, you will be arrested.

11. I am still trying navigate my new normal. This part is important ladies, just because the guy you're hanging out with is nothing like your ex-husband or baby daddy, doesn't mean he's the one. Both my daughters got married in the last few years. I don't think they understand what life is like for a divorced woman. They just don't and they never will. Or if they figure it out, it will be after I'm dead. There is just a lot going on, and I simply don't have time for a boyfriend. You probably don't either; I hope you are not in an untenable situation because that is the worst.

12. I am not someone's property or Gucci Purse. A friend of mine, who is bleach blonde and bosomy, always goes looking for love in the wrong places. She dated a glamour boy. You get exactly what you bargain for when you date a glamour boy, no depth at all, no real connection. Not surprsingly, he was a skirt chaser. He was so superficial, that I always felt like he treated my friend like a designer purse. He pulled her out of the closet when it was convenient for him, but gave nothing more than that. I have been treated like a retirement plan as I've been lucky enough to pull myself out of the abject poverty of my childhood. My ex even point blank said to me, that he only wanted to be married to me if I made $85,000 a year. I actually had an appointment with a publisher this week, so I need to switch my focus to the book now. Be careful of where you place your focus, otherwise you're trapped in someone else's dream.

Next up - Finding my box of nothing - the true guide to inner peace.

I need to trust my journey, even if I don't understand it. As long as my journey includes self-awareness and sobriety, I'll be alright. My brain is the most at peace that its been since I was 25. I must be doing something right. I am making up the rules as I'm going, but aren't we all?