Insomnia

Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me. It’s the life of chronic anxiety disorders, but some days are more trying than others. It’s been so bad lately though that the cats are noticing, which means it’s probably worse than I realize if they’ve abandoned their favorite people to try to help me. I have to say though that head boops do help. It helps ground me, gives me something tactile to cling to and something to focus on that doesn’t require anything other than some pets in return.

Unfortunately, as soon as they wander off to do whatever cat things they do, that void in me that fills with all the anxiety and other negative emotions becomes too hard to ignore. I told my partner earlier that I can only worry about so much and the rest will have to wait, but the reality is I’m always fretting over something. There is a near constant stream of worries that keep me up at night and cause me to sleep late, and it’s frustrating.

One reason I can’t sleep right now is I’m dreaming again. I mean, I always dream, but with one of my medications I don’t usually remember them. Nothing in life is perfect, however, and the dreams I’m remembering are of the anxiety variety. They’re of the past, of things that didn’t quite happen, at least not the way they happened in the dreams, but they are no less real. They cling to me like a fog I can’t get rid of and remind me of things I wish that were different. They also follow me into the waking world, often not letting go for hours. Sometimes writing them down helps; sometimes it doesn’t.

I have a variety of things at my disposal that are meant to help mitigate the uncomfortable emotions but none of it is perfect and on days like today that’s overwhelmingly clear. I can’t lose myself in a book or game like I would other times. The anxiety is too loud, too insistent, too distracting to offer any sort of distraction to work. I do have an anxiety med (not a benzo) that works well enough in most situations. The problem I have is remembering to take them. I could safely carry them on me; after all, what they give me isn’t addictive or abused. They’re too worried about me overdosing to give me anything truly dangerous.

I have knitting and spinning and other crafts to engage me, but they don’t hold my attention. I tried talking to people but I don’t want to rehash the past. It’s not exactly something my friends can fix, and a lot of people find my personal history distressing. It’s not their fault, and I feel bad they feel the need to apologize for things that happened well before they even entered my life. But it still leaves me feeling isolated, because I don’t want to distress my loved ones.

Showers also help, but in my state, it feels like there is a perpetual drought now, and it feels selfish to take a shower or bath when that’s the case. It helps ground me, however, so I try to save that for last. If the water situation were better, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard. But I have to deal with the guilt of wasting water before I can even get in. It’s been a struggle to find the balance.

Writing helps too though, and that’s why I’m sitting here writing this out. Sometimes purging the bad feelings into a document helps a lot. Historically too I do better overall when I finish processing the memories from my head to words. It helps take the power away, but I’m not always in a place I can handle the crush of emotions that go with writing the stories out. There are some stories that just thinking of them gives me panic attacks, but someday I hope to get it all out. Maybe then I’ll be able to let it go.

Helping others can help me sometimes too. Sometimes giving others advice when it’s asked is like giving myself advice. I do this one the least because I know how frustrating advice can be when unasked for, but on the rare occasions someone asks me for some it can help. It’s like giving myself the same advice, since it seems to be my luck that people who ask me for advice are in situations similar to mine.

Ultimately, some things you just have to learn to live with. That doesn’t mean you should avoid dealing with whatever is eating at you. There are many paths to the same destination, and so keep trying. We all deserve a healthy headspace, but it’s something you have to fight for. But that’s true of some of the best things in life. After all, would victory be as sweet if you just breezed through every obstacle life presented?