I'm Okay With Me

For a long time growing up I wasn’t comfortable with me. I wanted to be a real man like everyone else around me appeared to be. I wanted muscles, I wanted to have kids, I wanted a wife, I wanted to do everything that would rid me of the desire that continually haunted me not to mention that I was bow legged. The fact that I was picked on and called names by family members made it no better. Even into my adult life I asked for this life that I was in just to start over. Knowing that I knew who to avoid who to stay away from who I needed to talk to and who I didn’t.

“This is the moment where I stop and laugh to myself. Why you may ask? Because that definitely could be classified as a fantasy and really all that got me to where I am now comfortable with me and I’m okay with it.”

I did everything in my power to become everyone else’s man, I copied every male adult that I saw growing up. I learned how they moved, how they talked, how they displayed themselves, on top of what the females around me taught me that men do. At the same time continuing to be controlled by my inward desire for a male partner someone I could chill with, be cool with, and be with forever. Eventually over time I developed the manly aura but inwardly nothing changed. To me this couldn’t be natural no one else was like this, others had this desire but they were free to do them and I wasn’t trying to be around them. “I’m not like that, no not me” was what I said in my mind. “I can’t, no I won’t this isn’t natural God help me please” I continually pushed it away but it wasn’t going anywhere. From a child to college and from prison even into my marriage. I carried this secret revealing to some when I counseled them as a non-disclosure and hiding it from others. I moved constantly knowing that when I was away from people I could be me the real me with no one saying they seen me. It was continually pressed on me to be who I wasn’t which lead to continuous upsets.

My last relationship was an eye opener it really helped me to embrace myself and Love me for me. It helped me to put everything that I had been learning these 30 years into action. It was horrible but beautiful at the same time.

I won’t lie to get to where I am it took a lot of meditation and talking to God because coming from a religious background and being a wanna be perfectionist, I really had to have some eye-opening moments. The last time that I went to prison was probably the most eye opening because I finally decided what I was going to do with me. I decluttered my soul got rid of everyone else’s doctrines and ideologies and was like Master here I am, I am fucked up, I need help, I need to heal, and I need to find out what’s going on. So, I began to just evaluate me. I made up my mind I didn’t want to know or even care what anyone else had going on I began to focus on me. How I thought, How I felt, How I responded, What I wanted and didn’t, What I liked and didn’t. I learned me and I began to love me and I got to the place where I could say I’m okay with me. -T.Carrell