Fundamentally Wrong

The year was 1995. The place was a small, nondescript town in rural Upstate, New York. The people were uptight, granite-faced, fundamental Baptists with good hearts but no sense of humor whatsoever.

Every year for Vacation Bible School, my husband created imaginatively choreographed puppet shows, with himself being the big puppet performing in front of our puppet stage. He creates, while I have to sew, glue, and staple the puppets, their costumes, and his costume to his specifications. He always used the church basement to dress for his parts, so the kids would be surprised when he waltzed down the aisle as a chicken, Moses, a celery stalk, Gorgeous George the wrestler, or any number of other creations.

Sewing the costumes was not a problem. I had designed costumes for my stripping career for over a decade before finding myself sitting at the piano keyboard at this little Baptist church, stumbling through songs I'd never removed a G-String to. However, it would have been nice to have had more than a three-hour notice to construct these masterpieces.

Often, Hal would call me at two in the afternoon with his ideas for the Vacation Bible School puppet show for that evening. Each night of the five-day extravaganza we had to have a new puppet show. Our two kids loved that week because I was too busy practicing music, making puppets and costumes, and baking cookies to reign them in on their schoolwork.

I'm not certain, but that may have been the week my son discovered early internet pornography. Either that or he was picking his nose under that blanket and didn't want to be caught.

"I don't care what you're doing under that blanket, pal. Just don't make a mess." I scolded, handing him a box of wet wipes under the blanket.

"Mo-om, you don't love me."

"You can't prove it."

One afternoon Hal had an inspiration for the evening puppet show. He was going to dance down the aisle of the church to some ridiculous song he'd found on 'laugh out loud. w.e.b.'. He planned on grabbing our pastor by the elbow and pulling him into the fires of hell along with him. Hal was in desperate need of a large woman's dress, and a wig. He promised to pick up a pair of extra large women's pantyhose on his way home from work and scrounge a pair of extra large high heels from the charity shop as well, Leaving me to wrangle a wig and a dress out of thin air.

The wig was easy. All I had to do was finish mopping the bathroom floor and hang the mop head on the line to dry.

The dress wasn't quite as simple. But I always had too much fabric in my sewing room, so, I stitched up a large, colorful muumuu for my husband, the first drag queen to ever entertain at our little independent, fundamental Baptist Church.

Cookies baked, muumuu sewn, mop almost dried, my son napping with a smile on his face, my daughter complaining about having to wash her face and comb the chewing gum out of her hair for church, we were ready when Hal pulled into the driveway that evening.

Vacation Bible School was a smashing success that night. Our wonderful pastor happily danced down the aisle to Hell with my husband, the drag queen, for the sake of the kids. Another successful VBS was in the record books for our little church. Soon, my husband's hilarious costume was all but forgotten, except for a few sourpusses who couldn't quite forget that he had sullied the sanctuary with his antics.

Finally, the lovely Summer was over and fall was nipping at our heels here in Upstate New York, calling for the furnace to be serviced before our long winter. After finishing up the adjustments needed, the local and very vocal furnace repairman handed our pastor the bill, looking at him very strangely before driving away.

Rumor mills, being what they are in small towns, began to grind away at the secret proclivities of our uptight, straight-laced, granite-faced pastor, who secretly dressed like a woman and hid his frilly preferences deep in the caverns of the dank, dark church basement.

The deacons decided it was best to hire an out-of-town furnace repair company for upcoming maintenance and do a thorough cleaning of the church basement before the next heating season.