BARE HUNTER

Greg had come by for a visit and was telling me about his relationship with Captain Howard, when he was interrupted by the charge nurse returning with the information I asked for, “Mr. Bronsky, sorry to interrupt your visit. There is no Dr. Porter on our staff in any position. Can you tell me why you asked?”

“Hey, Greg, do you mind stepping out a minute,” I asked.

“Sure. I’ll just run these up to Sharon before they wilt. I’ll be back.”

After he was safely out of earshot, I said to the nurse, “Well, someone named Dr. Porter just tried to inject something into my IV drip. When an aid came in with my dinner, he left like he saw a ghost.”

“Oh, boy. I’m calling 911. Hang tight, I’m assigning an orderly to your room until we can get an officer to wait outside. That’s unacceptable.”

She left and within minutes, a burly blonde kid in scrubs entered the room, arms crossed, “Hey, sir, the charge nurse wanted me to stay with you until she could get a cop up here.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it. I’m not usually this helpless, but—”

“No problem. You’re kind of tied up right now.”

In about twenty minutes, the charge nurse and a police officer entered the room together. She introduced him to me and told me he would sit outside the door to make sure only authorized personnel entered. What the hell was going on? And, what was Greg about to tell me? As I listened to the angry conversation outside the door between Greg and the officer assigned to me, I could tell he wouldn’t return to visit. So much for finding out his big secret. Was he about to tell me that he was CIA and our company was a sham? I’d have to wait until I returned to work for the rest of the story.

I figured calling Sandy to tell her what happened was a good idea. Not that she would care, or maybe she would. But it was the right thing to do.

“Hello, Ted? You called me two days in a row. What’s going on?” Sandy asked.

“Just wanted to let you know I’m in the hospital,” I began.

“What happened? Oh, my God! Ted, do you need anything? What can I do?”

“You can try not to give me another heart attack by being so nice,” I joked.

“Oh, jeez. You had a heart attack? When?”

“This morning. I was checking on a co-worker who was a no-show and it just happened out of the blue.”

“I’m so sorry, St. Elizabeth’s?”

“Yeah, I guess I’ll be here for another day. They found two blockages and put stents in. I should be good for another 50,000 miles.”

“Can I come by to see you? Is Timmy allowed?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t upset him. I don’t want him to see me like this. But, sure, I’d like it if you could stop by. Can you bring me a Big Mac and fries?”

“How about carrot and celery sticks, cholesterol boy?”

“Funny, Sandy. I miss your sick sense of humor.”

“Well, I’ll bring it with me. When are visiting hours?”

“From ten till eight at night.”

“I have some errands to run and I’ll stop by before picking Tim-Tim up from Mrs. Evers’”

“Sandy, thank you.”

That was incredible. No blaming me for not taking care of myself. No being annoyed with me putting her out. I was beginning to think this Doug guy was the best thing that ever happened to our divorce. I buzzed the nurses’ station to make sure Sandy would be allowed into my room when she got there. A new nurse opened the door and asked what I needed.

“My ex-wife will be visiting me tonight. Just wanted to make sure it was all right for her to be here and the officer at the door knows.”

“Sure, no problem. Ex-wife, you said? Should he frisk her for weapons?”

“Funny, nope. She’d enjoy that too much,” I joked back.

I reached below the bedframe to retrieve my handy-dandy urinal and took care of business before Sandy arrived. I found it humorous that hospitals, with all their rules and regulations about being sanitary, just left these jugs lying around filled with urine. Plus, they let me eat dinner after peeing without washing my hands. Maybe we’d been lied to all these years.

I heard a commotion in the hallway outside my door, “Stop. Stop right there!”

Two sets of footsteps pounded down a corridor and I could hear computer carts crashing to the ground during the chase. The hospital staff was yelling incoherently. As quickly as the brouhaha began, it ended and became quiet again, with only the beeping and buzzing of monitors left to punctuate the stillness. A nurse and the police officer assigned to my room opened the door to check on me, “Mr. Bronsky, your mysterious doctor Porter, just tried to gain entry to your room again. Officer Sullivan chased him but he got away. We got a good look at him, though. He won’t be back. Officer Sullivan will be going off shift soon. I will introduce you to his replacement,” the nurse explained.

I called Sandy back, “Hey, Sandy, there was a little problem here at the hospital with some nut running around. Maybe you shouldn’t visit tonight.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll just eat this Big Mac myself then. You all right?”

“Now that I know you really got me a Big Mac, then ate it, I’m not sure.”

“You know what I miss the most, Ted?”

“Me leaving the toilet seat up and farting under the covers?”

“No. I miss how we used to joke around, and I don’t know, just enjoyed each other’s company.”

“Sometimes I think about those times too, and it makes me sad they ended. But Doug seems like a great guy for you and I’ve never seen you so calm and content. I’m happy for you, Sandy. I am.”

“Well, I’m glad you approve of him. He, uh, he asked me to marry him, and I wasn’t sure what to say. I was nervous to tell you.”

“Sandy, say yes. You deserve a last name that isn’t Polish.”

“Ted. I’m so glad we can finally talk with each other again. Thank you for caring so much about Timmy and me. I mean, I expect you to care about Timmy. I wasn’t sure how you felt about me anymore.”

“Sandy, divorce papers aren’t going to erase all the good times we used to have. Hang onto those times. I do.” I ended the call feeling as though our battles were all but over. Sometimes, you just aren’t right for a person and you have to start from scratch with someone new. I was sincerely happy she had found Doug The Builder.

As promised, the nurse introduced the new officer before she left for the night. With no more interruptions, I slept better than I had in ages. No night terrors, no mysterious noises, just blessed sleep. At 5 AM, the hospital’s day was already buzzing around me, with aides checking supplies, new nurses writing on the whiteboard, and checking the monitors.

“Hey, what does a fellow have to do around here to take a shit?” I asked a male aide.

“I’ll pass you a bedpan unless you think you can make it to the bathroom,” he replied.

“I think I’ll go for the bathroom.”

“Let me check with the nurse’s station to see if you can walk with your IV.”

He returned in a few minutes and assured me I was no longer a prisoner of my bed and helped me maneuver the tubes and bags as I rolled into the bathroom. Unfamiliar and frightening sounds emanated from the 6'x 6' tiled cubicle--

[redacted for national security]

When I returned to bed, after brushing my teeth and washing my face and hair with the provided soap and toothpaste, the aide helped me order breakfast.