Vocalisations

Aspirations are deceptive suckers. Like the first fall of snow, Soft and beautiful. Innocent. Until it melts into ice and you fall arse over tit and land on your head.

Life has come with some hard lessons. Many of which I am still deciphering through which to learn and which to unlearn. But one thing I learnt early on is that aspirations are for the aspirational. I am not from a family of aspirers.

I have lived a life in the shadows, on the fringes as it bustled past me, the air busy and bursting with the potential of others. Never me. Beholden somehow to duty and the need to be of service. Some use to someone. Anyone. Somehow.

But Vocal, or more specifically the community surrounding Vocal, has made me realise that shadows exist because there is light. They are symbiotic. I do not have to choose between the two because where there are shadows there is hope. Hope of something more.

I haven’t even been on Vocal for half a year yet and it has changed me in countless ways, I’ve made friends. Genuine, kind, supportive people who I have grown to respect and care about. I have opened myself up, been vulnerable; poured my heart into metaphors and truths I have never dared to acknowledge, let alone articulate. I have become a better, bolder me. More assured in who I am.

Whilst I have yet to learn to love this me that I am, I am teetering on acceptance. The computer helps, but an introvert in an extrovert world is rarely heard, let alone listened to. For the first time in my life, I feel my voice and I am choosing to use it. And I am choosing to allow myself that luxury.

Every reaction needs a catalyst to set off a spark, Vocal has been mine. And so this coming year, I will write as often as I choose, no matter who, in their wisdom, tells me otherwise, because it is what I want to do. What I have given myself permission to do. To embrace what makes me content without guilt. I will read and comment on other creator’s work as often as my time and spirit allow. I will enter challenges. If I feel like it. If my heart feels like it. And I will continue to grow. And learn, and be exactly who I am as a person. Just the more real version. And I will do it without too much apology because this journey I started a few months ago, isn’t about writing. Not really. It’s about living.

Slowly but steadily; by the glint of my keyboard, letter by letter, I am allowing life back in. But most of all I am learning to live with myself, just as I am. And for the first time, I’m kind of OK with that. I will accept that my scrawling may not be the best but I will know every time I hit ‘submit that it was my best. And I will be content with that.

I may not have S.M.A.R.T goals but this community is the smartest, most compassionate thing I have ever allowed myself to do.

My goal is simply to embrace it. Whatever 'it' may be.