Monetizing and Writing

Monetizing and Writing

The art of letting go

Does every word I write need to be monetized? It does not, but I can’t seem to stop thinking that way. It puts a damper on my creativity – on my soul, it seems – and I know in my head that it makes no sense and that I don’t want to feel this way, but every thought is followed by “Is this an interesting topic? Would potential readers like it? Are these the right words? Am I following the expected format correctly? Does this make sense?”

I didn’t used to feel like that – drowning in a need for external validation or else I’m just wasting time. I used to just write, unconcerned with impressing the masses, but content with expressing myself and embracing the idea that I may learn something about myself, and in the meantime, I may find connection with a reader.

Now I often just shutdown with brain lock, overcome by feelings of non-existent external pressure, only succumbing to some stupid internal pressure, torturing myself.

How do I get over this? It’s excruciating. I have worlds pent up within me with no option for release. This all just seems rather melodramatic, but it’s real. Let me throw the back of my hand to my forehead while I drift gracefully into a faint on the chaise.

I think in the beginning, I knew my writing was subpar, and I was eager to learn more, but now I’m stuck in a circle of constant learning and never feeling good enough. Maybe that’s typical of writers, but I don’t like it.

So rather than writing what I “should” be writing, I’m writing this as a way to try to sort my head out and get inspired, and then I will likely write more of something I “shouldn’t,” because this actually feels kind of freeing.

**********************************************************************

The advice often given is “to write what you know” or “write what you’re passionate about.”

I’d like to write more about my passion, but it seems there is a very limited audience interested in following that, which really shouldn’t matter, but does (see above), and even though I know the subject inside-and-out, I feel like my writing about it would not do it justice, and may, in fact, result in doing more harm than good. A ridiculous thought, I know, but one that is prevalent in my brain.

When I write to the imagined demands of the people, it feels like AI, and who wants to read that? I want my heart and soul to be prevalent in my writing, but then I’m worried the story just doesn’t connect or make sense. One of my own favorite philosophies to offer writers if to “be vulnerable,” but I seemed to have lost sight of it myself. How do I get it back?

Poetry – poetry – somehow, the answer for me is in writing poetry. And hidden in some song lyrics repeating over days in my head. I don’t quite know how they fit in yet, but the answer is there.

“….if I could just see you,

everything would be alright.

if I’d see you,

this darkness would turn to light.” – Lifehouse (Storm)

*****************************************************

Thank you for reading through the crazies kidnapping my mind right now as I try to sort this out! Any advice or insights? Please share in the comments. (This is my version of Free Writing – I recommend it to anyone feeling stuck!)