The Rejected Bond Themes

“Oooooooooooooooooh. Flew in from Valencia Beach, budget airline, didn’t get much sleep last night,” (on account of the flight being at 7.40 in the morning).

We land at 9.40. 20th November 2021. Bari, Southern Italy. Mission on. I’m with Bond Girl (aka Mrs Markham). We travel light: it saves €12 each way. Each. MI6 budgets are not what they were.

We’re heavily armed with Covid-19 vaccination documents. Plus Passenger Locator Forms. Preparation is key on any mission and I’m The Man With The Golden Covid Passport.

Special agent Alice Cooper prepared the documents for us. So much better than Lulu.

Q left instructions for the Aston Martin DB7 airport pick up - go to the OptimoRent Car Hire Desk in Bari Airport, arrivals area. Use the secret message - I booked this online and I'm not paying for any extra insurance, right?

You Only Live Twice so who wants to pay an extra €80 in case you get a flat tyre? Not Nancy Sinatra. Or Lorraine Chandler. Who?

Security is tight, there's no OptimoRent car hire company anywhere in the airport. It's obviously an ingenious cover story. Bond Girl targets her airport contact who is cunningly disguised as a lady at the information desk.

I have my Bluetooth earpieces in pretending to be a tourist. I have Radiohead on. Not my cup of tea; too angsty and you need to be emotionless in this game.

It's why it was rejected for Spectre but it was far better than Sam Smith's song. Never mind, it fits the mood while we try to untangle the web of security around finding the damn Aston Martin.

Bond Girl’s contact tells her there’s no car hire company called OptimoRent. It’s an elaborate ruse. It’s really called Acu-Hire. Or Eco-Hire. Sometimes it’s Maggiore. Sometimes something else. But not OptimoRent. Clever security measures. The Italian-based MI6 office is on the ball — a Thunderball.

I think the MI6 station officer here goes by the name of Mr Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Or at least according to special agent Dionne Warwick. I’d thought the officer's name was Tom Jones but maybe he retired.

Bond Girl’s contact also tells us the car hire company are not actually in the airport terminal either, that’s also a cover. Intelligent. They are in the car park behind the rail station outside the airport terminal. Shrewd. No one would ever think to look there.

We go to the incognito car hire pickup point; it looks just like a car park behind a rail station. Clever. The Aston Martin is cunningly disguised as a Citroen C3 hatchback. Q is on top form as it has all the gadgets: electric door mirrors, parking sensor and remote locking.

Once we get going, we notice Q has even made it struggle up steep hills as if it were a real Citroen C3. The man’s a genius.

We make it to the rendezvous town of Matera, where 007 had a bit of a contretemps with Spectre at the beginning of his last mission. I note the Aston’s petrol consumption is far better this time around.

007 had lots of getting shot at and being chased around the narrow streets in motorbikes and cars in Matera. I hope my licence to chill means we fare better because I’ve got a bit of a headache after the early start so I need to lie down.

I have a mission but I can't tell you what it is -  It's For My Eyes Only. And Sheena Easton's. Not Blondie's, they didn't pass the security check.

We won't fall into the same trap as Bond with all those car chases and stuff because of my licence to chill. Anyway, I'm getting on a bit. I can't really do the swinging off bridges thing or jumping over walls on motorbikes.

Instead, I pretend to stand like an idiot for a tourist photo by Bond Girl on the aqueduct bridge where 007 narrowly escaped death by that man with the bionic eye and his mates. Shrewd disguise for a British agent at the top of his game.

Bond appears to have fallen off the Gravina aqueduct in Skyfall too. You think he'd have learned by now. 007 — stay away from those damn Italian aqueducts.

We can only muse about Muse though. No need to muse about Adele; she got the gig.

After our brush with Spectre on the aqueduct, we return to Matera which is actually about 10 miles from Gravina. It took us ages to get back in the disguised Aston Martin as it was a little hilly. It only took Bond about 5 minutes to walk back in No Time To Die. What a guy.

Once back, we play at tourists and take selfies to fool Spectre.

We had planned to go to the cemetery where Bond got blown up to search for clues but it's getting late and I want a beer. We have to maintain our disguises as tourists.

Tomorrow Never Dies so we can go to the cemetery tomorrow with Pulp. Or Sheryl Crow. Both are good, I wouldn't want to choose although M selected Miss Crow as Pulp called it Tomorrow Never Lies.

The next day we forget to go to the cemetery. I think it was the beer. And the wine. And the Limoncello. We reconnoitre the streets of Materna instead and sit in coffee bars. Mostly we sit in coffee bars.

My Goldeneye finds the spot where Bond rode up the steps on a motorbike and jumped into the square in No Time To Die. Yeah right, what do you have to say about that, Ace of Base? Ask Tina Turner you say? You weren't chosen? You're still sulking?

I decide the steps are possibly a tad too steep to walk down for an agent with a licence to chill. And a hangover. Looking down, I can feel last night's beer in my throat. And the wine. And the Limoncello.

I guess Bond was sober when he lept up from these steps on the motorbike. Or the CGI was particulalrly good.

Mission Completed

Before returning to the MI6 office in Valencia, we relax in the square where Bond machine-gunned all those nasty Spectre agents with his undisguised Aston Martin. Not so clever as me and Bond Girl, Mr Bond. My licence to chill remains intact.