My First Time Praying

I wasn't sure how I became so depressed and self-destructive. I remember wanting so badly to be content with myself. But, no matter what I did I couldn't be. Not on my own. I believe now, that we are born with challenges that we must face to grow and learn about the beauty of love, or God. I didn't know this then the first time I cried for his help, his sovereignty.I was crying because I was lost, lost inside my mind where I've laid or relied on my entire life.

My childhood I remember being very imaginative. A daydreamer of life. But not only did I daydream about life, I was always scared to live it. I can't say why. I just was. I grew up going to church, a quiet child. Often, I still am. I'd rather play inside my head. I can also admit I'm one to feel things so deeply they affect my every action. So, a deep thinker and deep feeler is who I am. And was born to be. I felt different because of it. Different from my friends, family, and everyone. I hate myself for it, I can admit it. Constantly searching for a place to fit in.

So, when I self-destructed for these reasons, there was only one place to go. This god they talk about, I thought how do I know he's real. So, I prayed. I prayed so deeply that I called upon his name. No miracle happened to me. But, instead a deep shadow, darkness came for me.

I was gone from my family for years. And I went back to them because something became terribly wrong. My parents searched, prayed and fought for me to come out of this darkness. I wish I can say god gave me a better attitude or a feeling of happiness when I begged for it. Instead, he gave me darkness? I questioned it for a long, long time. Points of wanting to give up. I didn't understand what he was doing to me. Or perhaps, I was just a hopeless cause.

As, I'm sitting hear and I read the word of God. I once believed I was being punished, possessed, or just not not good enough for this life. Instead, I feel him know me and what I needed. One, I needed to get out of the place I was in. Two, I needed my family. Three, he knows that without going deep into a state of darkness I would never have tried even harder to get even more closer to him. So, I pray this truth is now seen. For once I was lost and now with him I feel found. Don't get me wrong I have so many questions and concerns. But, it took me long to feel his grace and be content with it. So, I understand it may be hard to believe. Every journey is different. I hope you feel his grace, it's there.