Things You Should Never Say to a Military Wife

When discussing military life with military wives, there are some things you should never say to a military wife. Military spouses do not have it easy, and every single one will feel the same way about surviving deployment in their own way. They deal with many month deployments where they are separated from their loved ones, and the military family is put under a lot of stress and hardship. When speaking to military wives, there are certain things you shouldn’t ask or inquire about. It’s important to have the guidelines down ahead of time, especially if you aren’t familiar with the military lifestyle.

Saying, “you must miss him,” is one of the things you should never say to a military wife when her military spouse is on an extended month deployment, because it will only frustrate them. Of course they miss them! This is one of the most blatantly obvious factors of the separation involved in deployment and civilian life. Deployments are the hardest part about military life, and reminding military wives about the fact that they miss their loved one who is fighting for their life and for their country overseas is no way to start any positive or uplifting conversation.

Asking military wives how they will stay busy while their husbands are gone is another one of the things you should never say to a military wife, because it is somewhat insulting. It implies that military wives have no meaning without their military spouses. While, yes, military wives miss their significant others intensely when they are on their deployments, they have plenty to do while their husbands are gone. Many military wives have jobs, have children to raise, and have friends and lives of their own back home to live. They have identities outside of their husbands, and military life doesn’t solely define them.

Asking a military wife when her military spouse will get out of the military is one thing you should never say to a military wife because every single one will have a different reaction. Many military spouses don’t join the Army, Air Force, Navy, or Marines because they feel forced to, but because they choose to serve their country willingly. They sign up over and over because they want to fight. Military life isn’t easy and being in a military family is hard work, but these men and women don’t get out, they keep going.

Yes, many military spouses miss Christmases and birthdays every year, because they are on long month to month deployments. Living a military wife life means realizing how little these holidays matter in comparison to the bigger picture. They want their spouses to just come home to them for a normal workday, much less a holiday. Every single moment they can get is a precious one. The importance you put on Christmas is the importance military families put on every minute.

This is easily one of the top things you should never say to a military wife! It is also probably one of the top fears that all military spouses have when their spouse is sent on deployment. The worst-case scenario in military life is to be left a widow with an entire family to care for on your own. Every single military wife has this fear, and no one wants to be asked or reminded about it.

One thing you should never say to a military wife is, “I could never do what you do,” because this is an insult. It makes it sound like you would never want a military life, and you can’t believe they ever decided to get involved in such a lifestyle. Military families do not have it easy, and many of them sometimes wish they could trade places for a civilian lifestyle, but saying something like this to them can be offensive. It is best to keep it to yourself.

Making statements such as this out loud to military wives is a bad idea. Saying this is guaranteed to be off-putting because they are wondering the same thing every night as they lie awake in their beds. They are having anxiety over where their husband is and whether it is dangerous. They don’t need you to remind them of these wandering thoughts. Those thoughts are very much present in their minds day in and day out.

Unless another military wife says this, then this is one of those things you should never say to a military wife. Chances are, you don’t understand what they’re going through. You may have a spouse who travels for business, but it is not the same as military life and what a military family deals with. When you say something like this to military wives, they will probably get defensive. There are some things you only understand if your spouse is deployed, and your experience does not compare to theirs. While they appreciate that you’re trying to relate, it’s better if you offer support in another way.

Military wives may be able to rationalize their own pain this way, but this is one of those things you shouldn’t say to a military wife unless she says it first. It is not your job to let a military wife know that military life could always be worse. Let her be the one to find a way to cope with her situation and count her blessings.

One of the top things you should never say to a military wife is “you chose this.” That is a complete slap in the face to military wives, military spouses, and military families as a whole. You don’t choose who you love, so to say that military wives choose the military life is basically telling them to, “suck it up, buttercup.” The phrase, "you chose this," is completely insulting. It is absolutely a difficult life, but men who are in the military have a calling to do what they do. The women who stand beside them are just as brave for being a part of that lifestyle.

So, when speaking to military wives, have respect for what they put up with every day, and for what their spouses to do serve this country. We are the lucky ones for having it so easy!