Karen, Your Opinion on Parenting My Transgender Kid is Not Valid

We’ve all seen one of those ‘Karen’ videos of a woman who feels obliged to share her unrequested judgment exposing her ignorance. Her lifetime of unhappiness is directed to whoever she deems is different enough from her. Then without prompt, she is compelled to intervene on the behalf of all those other Karens like her. A few of the videos are funny, many are ridiculous, and most are displays of ignorant contention.

I like to think of those family members, so-called friends, and even strangers who have inadvertently — or intentionally — passed their judgment of me and my transgender son are simply suffering from Karen-ism. It’s infectious and highly contagious, but with an open mind completely curable.

The following are some of the ridiculous comments Karen and her friends have said to me.

Karen-ism #1

You know that’s not right, right?

This was probably the first derogatory comment about my son being transgender from one of my close family members. It really threw me because of who said it. This was someone who had always had my back in the past. Someone I thought would always support me and my own little family no matter what.

Just because you have an opinion, Karen, doesn’t mean you need to share it with me or anyone.

Karen-ism #2

I hate it when you use those other pronouns. It messes me up. I forget who you’re talking about.

Here’s the thing about pronouns: Your lack of being able to follow a simple conversation is not my responsibility. For me, remembering a person’s pronouns falls under the rules of polite conversation.

This Karen had no problem actually following our conversation. They just wanted to express their distaste regarding what it meant to be transgender — something they know nothing about.

If you’re honestly unsure about someone’s pronouns, simply use neutral ones (they/them/theirs). Or skip the pronouns completely and use the person’s name. It’s really not that difficult.

Karen-ism #3

If you put your child on hormones so they can pretend they’re something they’re not, that’s child abuse.

This is the most judgmental comment anyone has ever said to me. A stranger via Facebook felt obliged to send me a private message to berate my parenting skills and ‘lack of love’ for my child. It was shocking because it was the first direct message I’d received like this.

Stating hormone therapy is abuse is plain ignorant. I also feel like accusing me of child abuse, for this reason, reduces the seriousness of actual abuse that needs pointing out elsewhere.

Save your passion regarding child safety for situations that call for it, Karen.

Karen-ism #4

Oh, my sister went through a phase like that too.

First of all, I’m so sorry your sister didn’t get the support from her family as she deserved. Second, my kid being transgender is not a phase.

My son’s transition has been a process, not an overnight decision. You haven’t seen him go from suicidal to happy, confident boy, but I have. I have no doubts he is becoming the young man he is supposed to be and hormone therapy has been part of that change.

So, back off, Karen! Keep your flippant comments to yourself.

Karen-ism #5

Sex-change operations are against what God has intended your kid to be. It’s mutilation and blasphemous.

Firstly, ‘sex-change operation’ is screaming your ignorance to the masses, Karen. If you want to bait me into an argument, at least do your homework and use the correct terminology. Medical professionals all around the globe refer to it as gender confirmation surgery. These experts are not in the practice of mutilation.

Look it up. You’ll be surprised at what you can learn. You might even reach some understanding of what it means to be transgender. One can only hope you reach some sort of realization of empathy for those different from yourself.

Secondly, God and religion are often brought up within the argument against transgender rights and equality. It’s probably the most common category of comments I’ve heard. And it sort of feels ridiculous to me.

Although I no longer consider myself a religious person, I grew up going to church. There are two lessons that come to mind when God is brought up in support of transphobic views.

1. Love your neighbor as yourself. — In other words, be kind to people.
2. God will be the one to judge all. — So keep it to yourself, Karen.

I like thinking of all these ‘offenders’ as Karens because it helps me compartmentalize my frustration and irritation, especially with those family and friends I love. Don’t get me wrong, though. If you continuously try to spread your Karen-ism to me and others around me, I will call you on it.

If your judgmental attitude slips through your lips often, maybe just keep your mouth shut — at least regarding my parenting skills and my son’s well-being. If it’s not possible to keep your opinions to yourself though, just remember that I get to respond in turn if I want.

I usually get very angry when first hearing or reading the remarks of the ignorant Karens. But later these comments just make me sad. Sad that my transgender son has to live in a world where ignorant and spiteful people feel the need to share their ‘wisdom’ with the rest of us who know better.

Maybe I’ll drop some wisdom of my own on you, Karen.

Or maybe I’ll walk away holding my son’s hand while your ignorance shows plainly on you. Some of them are too pathetic to waste my breath and time on.

You’re dismissed, Karen.

Zada Kent is co-founder of LGBTQueer-ies and proud parent to her transgender son.

Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.