I Am Not Confused

I am not confused. I am a Pansexual so gender, biological sex, and gender idenity does not play a role in who I love. I fall in love with the person, who they are not by what box they check on the forms that make us define who we are without allowing all the choices to be there.

In the day and age when sexuality is more fluid than ever there is still a stigma that those of who are pansexual are unable to make up our mind of who we want to be with. Now I know that not everyone in our community feels this way, but it’s still there.

I was married to a man for seven years and have two beautiful children. Before him while in college and after college I was in a relationship with a woman for three years. In between college and high school I had casual relationships with both. High school was a strange time for me. I knew that I was attracted to girls yet I felt a little forced to conform with the “normal” type of relationship. It was the 90’s and I was raised in a religious household that favored me being a sheep over who I truly was.

After graduating high school I traveled for a bit. With living as who I am, things happened. Statistics speak the loudest and I became a stitistice because of who I am,

The CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey found for LGBTQ+ people:

44 percent of lesbians and 61 percent of bisexual women experience rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner, compared to 35 percent of straight women

26 percent of gay men and 37 percent of bisexual men experience rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner, compared to 29 percent of straight men

46 percent of bisexual women have been raped, compared to 17 percent of straight women and 13 percent of lesbians

22 percent of bisexual women have been raped by an intimate partner, compared to 9 percent of straight women

These are the statistics of physical abuse. In doing research for this short story I was flabbergasted to find the lack of statistics for mental and emotional abuse for any of us in this community. Or any minority community for that matter.

When things ended in my relationship I found out how deeply mental and emotional abuse can not only shatter your self worth but the very soul of who we are.

After my divorice it took time before I was ready to get back out into the dating world. I felt too old to try the bar or club scene. Meeting people the old fashioned way is not done anymore. Which led me to the online scene. I roll my eyes at this. Yet, I still set up profiles.

As a pansexual I am considered a bi sexual. With online dating you are no longer that invisible person who when you go out with a woman you are a lesbian or a male straight. The perception of your orientation is no longer based on who you are with. In the online dating world they give you maybe three or four choices to choose from but none of them truly fit.

I cannot tell you how many times I have met biphobic people who have said that I just can’t make up my mind. The last woman I dated said that she would never date anyone bi. Yet, we dated. Even when we went our separate ways she told me that maybe if I figured out which side I was on then I might find someone to love me. I have to laugh because I was on her side. Which in my mind is all that mattered.

In this large world I find it confusing on how we can still hold judgement against someone for who they are, for who they love. Even within our own community there is judgment. And while I firmly believe that everyone has a right to believe what they do. We can disagree and still treat each other with respect.

I am not confused because I fall in love with someone for who they are. I am not confused in loving people of the same gander, a different gender or a person who is transgender or gender neutral. I will try to understand if you view it differently. I ask you however to please try to understand that I am not confused. Lack of understanding brings frustration, fear and anger which is one letter short of danger. In the world our community has enough outside forces trying to make us feel or believe that we are less than (insert your word here). Maybe, just maybe in our community within this big world even if we disagree or do not understand we can simply try and still care for each other.