Being Asexual In Today's World

Just to get a working definition going, asexuality is described as:

‘…the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.’

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

For some reason, we live in a highly sexualised time. Sex has been around for as long as life has - I get that. But what I don’t get, is why people are so fixated on asking me if I have a boyfriend yet. If I’m a lesbian. If I think the latest ‘in’ celeb is attractive or not. Why does it matter who I fancy (or, who I don’t)? It doesn’t affect anyone else’s life. It’s just the way I am.

I have never had a boyfriend. I’m in my twenties and yeah, never had a boyfriend. Now we could analyse it and come up with many theories, such as, I’m unattractive. I don’t put myself out there. I haven’t met… the one. Truth is, from a young age, I’ve just never been interested in a relationship. And frankly, the thought of having sex repulses me. Now, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with sex. Not at all. I get that for a lot of people, it’s great. It’s needed. My point I’m trying to make, is that it isn’t for everyone.

Having said that, whilst asexual people don’t have any sexual attraction to people, it doesn’t mean we can’t get a crush. When I told one of my closest friends that I was asexual, the first thing she said was – ‘But you had a crush on Taron Egerton!’ Yes, I admit, I’ve had crushes, but that isn’t the point. Asexuals can still experience Aesthetic Attraction (basically being attracted to someone based on looks) and even Emotional Attraction (wanting to connect with someone on a deeper level). But at no point during that crush, did I ever get turned on.

I’ve tried explaining to my parents, but they refuse to listen. Same with other family members when they ask me when I’m going to settle down, get married and have children. My aunt nearly had a fit when I said I didn’t want children. I like kids, I used to work in a nursery, I’m a great auntie to my nieces and nephews, but I don’t want any of my own. And that is my choice. What isn’t my choice, is that I’m Asexual. But I’m proud to be asexual.

There are levels of asexuality. A spectrum if you will. What is true for me, may not be true to someone else who identifies as Asexual. I’ll run by some of the other types under the umbrella of Asexuality; because I am inclusive, respect all sexualities and gender identities. I’d hate to marginalise anyone. I’m just speaking from a personal place, but here are some other forms of asexuality:

- Some Asexuals experience sexual attraction in certain circumstances. For example, a demisexual may experience sexual attraction only if they have a deep connection with the other person.

- Some have a sexual desire, that is totally void of any sexual attraction.

- Some Asexuals fall between different parts of the spectrum. For example, demisexual (explained previously), or Greysexual, which are people that very rarely feel sexual attraction, or they feel it will very low intensity.

Some people confuse Asexuality with Celibacy or Abstinence. These are temporary and a choice. Asexuality, much like being gay/lesbian/pan, etc, is not. There is no underlying cause to being Asexual either – so ignore those idiots that say it’s some kind of disorder, because frankly, they are total idiots. I’ve been told in the past that I hide behind the term because I can’t find a partner. That isn’t the case at all. I just don’t want one. A couple of good friends suit me just fine. I know of a few Asexuals that do want relationships and children, so it is most certainly not a term used to hide behind.

There has been so much focus lately on sexuality and gender. And I think Asexuality is getting overlooked somewhat. So I’m here, just one girl in her twenties, writing on her laptop on a really muggy night, trying to make more people aware of Asexuality. It IS real. It IS part of who I am. I didn’t choose it but I am PROUD of it.

I’m not hiding who I am to make people feel better. I’ve always told my parents not to expect grandchildren from me. I’ve never hidden the fact that I don’t want a relationship. I’m fine being a ‘spinster’ if that’s what you want to call me. I’m not losing sleep over idiots who brush off Asexuality, and I’m certainly not going to allow nasty comments by some internet trolls to ruin my life.

Love who you love. Be who you are. And most of all… Be. Fucking. Nice.