The initial Condition

All this time we have been hunting for a constantly evolving story.

I'm in a race.

In a state of frenzy.

As poison. For the pleasant anaesthesia towards the beginning.

The sensitivity to the initial conditions.

Escaping from reality now subtly turns into an unending shelter.

Tinged with the shades of illusion. Where the denial of truth becomes truth itself.

Your perception blurs at the edges, a nuanced self-deception emerges. Welcome, says the voice of your paradoxical reality.

This will drive me for years.

In the beginning, we call it melancholy. Only later does it take the form of a diagnosis.

It will take years before I see through myself.

Before I find deceleration.

Everything was new. But it didn't stay that way.

Nothing can touch me the tenth time the same way it did the first.

How could it?

The goal?

Change, novelty.

Not allowing what would give my psyche space to repeat in thought.

For a long time, I pretended not to see it.

The Initial Condition.

Here, every process has multiple consequences. Every experience has multiple outcomes.

One day, however, everything overlaps with everything.

What you have experienced in the past now determines your present moment.

All of this is added over time - and leads to structures that can no longer be reversed.

From now on, you wear a mask.

No self-image.

You are just a reaction, a product, born from the spontaneity of your experienced environment.

Whatever it was.

It speaks to you.

It is the unpredictability and irreversibility that make these lives so treacherous.

A cycle that repeats over and over. Through small changes, your entire system transformed.

As a strategy, as coping, you adapted.

Your attention is directed outwards.

You have no inward attention.

You don't want to go inside.

You had to adapt to an ever-changing environment.

There exists neither space nor time for the unfolding of the self, for the exploration of the inner being. Shadows and constraints smother any spark of self-realization.

It is your initial conditions that you feel.

All those would have been just words.

But they weren't, were they?

You felt them.

Something happened.

It's hard to explain, isn't it?

Now you are close to her. Your initial condition.

Ask her something.