Suffocating

There's dirty clothes in the baskets, but I just walk past it

Dirty dishes on the counter in stacks, but I again just walk past

Fishing gear in the bed of my truck, never used anymore just gathering dust

My kids want to play and spend time, but I'm a prisoner inside my own mind

Working to survive takes all my energy, after work I dont want to do anything

Even my time off doesnt seem like enough time to rest, I'm afraid I won't find real rest til' I'm dead

And it has nothing to do with how they raised me, No one else in my household was lazy

Am I the black sheep or the reject? Am I a mistake that my family regrets?

I know theres no truth in these questions, but the enemy in my head keeps me second guessing

I just want to find sleep with out abusing a substance, I just want to find happiness in abundance

I cant remember the man I wanted to be before, I cant remember my dreams anymore

At night death likes to whisper in my ear, it plays on my insecurities and fear

Doubt is my ever present demon, it fills up my head til' I feel like screamin'

Shadows dance through the empty abyss, trampling my mind until I submit

It may seem like I'm disturbed to you, but I'm only scratching the surface if I'm telling the truth

I dont wish this pain on the worst of my enemies, no one should have these mental tendencies

You don't want to know how it feels to be scared of yourself, to be the prisoner of your own hell

I know it's not as bad as my mind makes me believe, but the enemy is strong and seeks to deceive

It makes me feel like the end times are here, I'm scared to death that judgement is near

A million times or more I've pleaded for forgiveness, but does it mean anything if I don't change the way I'm livin?

I don't want to be an addict I don't want to make mistakes, I'm so scared that if I don't change that there'll be hell to pay

Will I be judged on the other side for what I can't control? If I don't break my addiction will I pay for it with my soul?

I feel like I shouldn't have these questions, I've learned a lot through life but I don't understand this lesson

I hope this is rock bottom cause I need my only way out to be up, I'm tired through and through of years of feeling stuck

I dont know how to conclude this work, I guess I just needed to share my hurt

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

1-800-273-8255