Imbalance
Mental illness takes a toll on countless individuals, and does not discriminate when selecting its victims. This is the story of the damage it has done over the course of my life.
When I was younger I felt so
Terribly alone and I was sure that
No one could ever truly love me with
The depth that I would love them
I swore to myself that I was
Destined to live in solitude
So that I would never have to
Hurt because of someone else
I felt as though I was stuck in the
Middle of a vast ocean, unable to
Come up for air and unable to let
Myself drown.
There was an imbalance in
My brain, but I ignored its
Every signal; I brushed them
All aside because every young
Woman is expected to exaggerate
The details of her life
So the years went on, the signs
From my brain got worse and worse
I started tearing my skin apart in the
Hopes that I could find a release for all
Of the hurt my tiny frame held
It felt like I was running down a
Never-ending hallway, towards a light in
The distance, but with every step I took
My surroundings became darker
And darker.
By the time I started my four years
Away at college I
Knew that something had to be
Terribly wrong inside of me
But I still refused to open my mouth
For fear of the judgments that come
With seeking help in times of weakness
So I stayed quiet, turning now to poorly
Mixed drinks consumed in sweaty basements
Surrounded by other people masking their
Insecurities and their pain
I often thought of death – not because I desired
To end my life, but rather because I wondered who
Would even notice if I was gone
I tried to talk about my struggles, but early on I learned
That a plastered-on smile and the white lie that everything
Is fine will send the therapist on her way while
Feeding the destructive monster in the back
Of my mind
It felt like I was trapped in a spider’s web
That I had spun myself.
Now I can feel the darkness
Creeping its way back into my mind
Oozing its way through my veins until
It occupies every inch of my being
I cannot find rest, even when my eyes
Refuse to stay open
Every bite of food feels as though it could
Make me explode, even though I haven’t
Eaten all day
The clouds still follow overhead even when the
Sun is shining its brightest
I cannot find energy to move, even when my
Determination to succeed lifts my spirits
It feels like I am stuck in a maze
With a color-coded map, and when I
Look at it I realize I am colorblind.
About the Creator
Portgas D. Sara (they/them)
nonbinary human who sometimes writes (and is always trying to be more consistent about writing). most likely lots of attempts at poetry, and even more ramblings about anime/nerdy things.
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