I wonder if she knows

I wonder if she knows

He kisses me; like he does her

I wonder if she knows

He touches me; like he does her

I wonder if she knows

I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror; tiptoe to see just enough

Not recognizing the dejected girl staring back

Pounding on my chest hoping to flatten what little I have into nonexistent

I wonder if she knows

He sends her away on errands

Just so we can spend quality time alone

I wonder if she knows

I have learned new moves as he tells me; he does this bc he loves me so deeply

I wonder if she knows

He can’t keep his filthy hands off me

While he forces me to watch his mucky videos

I wonder if she knows

She has to know

Can she not feel me weep

Can she not see how much I’ve changed

Can she not feel my misery

My eyes scream for help

My silence speaks volumes

I wonder if she knows

I am his captive in a nightmare I can’t waken from

He threatens my secrecy with fear

He is in every corner

The escape doesn’t feel near

I wonder if she knows

I’ve prayed to drift away; never to awaken again

That maybe it’s my fault

Do I look so much like her

She pleaded for him to stop

Stop committing adultery

Your mom doesn’t want me to cheat on her

So must I be his next best choice

I wonder if she knows

I’ve caught her sleeping with the monster

Even when she… when I found the courage to cry for her protection

The betrayal; the trust blown to ashes; was it worth his affection

I wonder if she knows

Though my childhood is tainted

I will not let it turn me into a monster

I wonder if she knows

The obstacles I’ve had to overcome

I will not be a victim

I’ve came to far, I am a survivor

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Thank you for reading my submission for the Uncommon Challenge.

I wonder if she knows, is about a time in my childhood when I had a feeling that my mother had to know what was going on. A part of me couldn’t trust her. How she acted then reacted to every situation was always so questionable to me even as a child. Not only did I fear my stepfather, I feared my mother.

I have never let myself be this vulnerable. I am 34 years old now and done all my healing on my own. I don’t talk about my childhood or any parts of my life. This is my inner child telling her story in teeny tiny pieces.

Not to receive pitty but to let others know your not alone! Speak your truth when others have taught you to keep your silence bc of their own reputation. Speak your truth when society has shown you things are better left swept under the rug!

Some don’t need time, while others take their time. There is no race, be the hero you needed when you were the one being abused. I promised myself I will be the parent I needed when I was a kid.

I will be my own hero!