I don’t love you anymore

I heard them say your name today,

And ever so quietly I felt the blast of pain.

I’ve worked so hard to close that door,

Leave the past behind and let you fly.

But a window must be open….

For here we are again.

Even if I say the words

And promise that I’ve let you go,

The pain still comes in and I feel I must some how clear my name

I tried to hid it deep inside

Just another break up gone bloody

But that’s not true… the break up

That was easy.

It was the aftermath that blow up in my face.

It was the reality of who you were and weren’t

I felt and realized. I was your pawn.

And the pawn wants to talk now!

I was a source of love and sex

But never a face for mother…

I was a nice addition to your arm

A piece to add in financial burden.

And we had our fun. I cannot lie

The golden boy I thought I knew

Too quickly became ash

SHuT UP! You’re wrong!

You don’t try.

You make me do everything!

Tarot card are evil. Throw them away.

These were only some of the words that had me on egg shells.

No matter the topic I was always dumb.

And the sad part is those rose coloured glasses, were ripped off by a friend

When she told me…. He kind of puts you down

And I thought I deserved it!

I just have!

How could a charming fox be mad,

I must have been a dumb animal!

So I boxed myself up

And agreed with things you said

Even if my heart bled.

I lied for you

Said you didn’t mean it…

The biggest lie I ever told to this day…

Was you didn’t hurt me that Friday night.

They all asked if you hit me. No you didn’t

But do you remember pushing me into the wall?

Do you remember how the I love yous turned to you dumb bitch.

How my stupidity would make you die?

Do you remember how I ran from you? To call for help.

And when the paramedics said you were fine.

I laughed it off when they told me to call the police if you got violent.

I laugh it off to our friends… no not our! Mine

I slept on the couch and said I just didn’t want you to vomit on me

I stayed on the couch. To keep walls between us. Stayed awake forced myself to

Until I knew the boy sleeping in the next room

Was the golden angel not the monster that belonged under the bed.

But that wasn’t what hurt me the most

What hurt me was

The lies

The money I never got back

The humiliation

The telling me I was a sin

Making me feel ugly

Making me feel lazy

Making me go to church on Sunday morning

To sit in a pew and be abused

The late nights you’d promised you’d be home

How no one saw me. The real me with you in the way.

You stopped caring and trying at some point

And I wanted out for months

When you said the words

I cried to be free

And the storm got worst

You hurt our friend

You became selfish

Disrespectful

Ugly.

I loved you no longer and started to stop liking you too

It didn’t matter that we had good memories and times

It didn’t matter

The good was shattered

The bad too bright to fathom

So when I closed the door and sat in the dark

I smile as I won myself back.

But the light is creeping through the cracks

And I shutter

Because in no capacity do

I want you back