Anxty Scribbles Pt.3

I asked myself why I am content with empty moments. Appreciation, those moments allow me to reflect on the things I am truly grateful for. And I can barely indulge in a moment without straying to thoughts of you. I can withstand moments that you do not reside in for the simple fact that I could spend eternity with you and it would still not be enough. So the difference of a moment and forever is merely perception.

The tiniest shift in a pebble that resides in the wall of a dam can be just enough to flood the plains. That is how I see life, there are three main states; the pebble is unmoved and the dam is holding, things are stable, calm. The pebble has shifted and is now allowing jets of water to stream from the catchment out into the wastelands of the other side, this is where you feel the least in control, it can be fun to catch the wave but it's a white-knuckled grip onto whatever is in reach and gasping breaths of fear that you could drown at any moment. The last state is where the plains have flooded, the catchment drained to a third of its original contents and the water has threaded itself into every pocket it could find, this is the state where you reflect on what was and what now is, there is a clam but it is filled with a caution that change can be created by something you never expected. The thrilling part is trying to assess what part of the equation you are.

I feel myself running out of things to say, things to write. It’s not that there are no words left to describe your existence, or how that makes me feel. There are not enough. There will never be enough. I could sit here all day, fingers tapping at the keys in the muted light of my bedroom and I would not have enough words to describe one single element of you. Its overwhelming in the most stunning of ways, quite like staring at the sun; except I can keep my eyes wide open and take in all that glaring light but never know how to tell someone else because they will never see it. Knowing you is like being able to understand how magnificent an occurrence our earth is and yet being completely unable to fathom how it came to be despite knowing the theories behind it all. That is why I am so silent when you explain your philosophical wanderings on things we do not have the answers to; because to me, you are one of them. You are a brightest ember in every fire, the one that draws your eye because it refuses to die out even when it has no fuel to burn. It is like you are the sun, yeah I know, I’ve said that before, but it is so much more than I can surmise. You bring the warmth and the light, that's obvious. The parts that are less obvious are how I am the moon you keep alight, I am the Earth you chose to give life to, I am all living things that would never have seen the world without you. It’s crazy because I found myself being jealous, not of you, but of the snow. Envious that it is beautiful and brings you joy and i'm not there to share it with you, isn’t that crazy? I have woken up every day and felt off, like I can’t quite put my finger on why I feel how I do or what it is exactly that I feel. When you are here I don’t feel that anymore, it’s as if you distract me from my demons; no, you distract my demons, even they are mesmerised by all the little things that make up who you are. I have become frightened of being happy because I can’t really understand why I was lucky enough to have it. They say we are scared of things we don't understand and I think this is the first time I have felt that; I am not scared of death because it is inevitable and there is no use fearing it. I am not scared of the universe because even though we know only a fraction about it, we still are a part of it. But you, you are something else entirely, you are the next level happiness where I don’t do anything to feel it, you just happened and it is glorious but so new and unknown that I don’t know how to handle it but I’m willing to try no matter what. You are this alien feeling where I thought I knew it all before but it is so very different to how it is with you. There is just a comfort in knowing you, the words ‘Don’t worry I’ll be back’ mean more that air to me. The fact you think of me when I am not there and show that when no one else really has, proves that I am far more than i ever believed myself to be. Even when a part of me is afraid there is another part that is totally at ease because I know that if there is one thing in this world worth facing all my fears for, its you, not because you do the most for me, not because you have proved so many past selves wrong, not because you make me feel beautiful when I feel I’d break a mirror just walking past it. But because you took a chance just to get to know me and I owe it to you to trust that you might see me and also see poetry.