A Letter, Long Overdue

To the one who loved me too well…

I’ve been trying to think of metaphors

(Locked doors for secrets, mini-disguises for guilt)

To mask the two-sided face

That came between us, you and me,

But the more I cower behind the translucent pages

Of words, these similes (like skyscrapers)

They crumble

When the first sound from my mouth quakes.

Did you know

That I know

What I did to you?

Maybe I didn’t know then, but now… I do

(Now that it can’t be undone).

I remember,

I once listed excuses like towns on a map

My road trip of (good?) intentions that left you

Stranded in unfamiliar places

Relationships, I guess,

Are not so simply navigated.

I was young, I said, playing ready or not —

Without being ready at all.

But I wasn’t a child, and you weren’t a toy

To be used to amuse my curiosity.

There are no more kites-on-strings boomerang games left

To cripple that love-giving heart in your chest.

And I’ve stopped playing games,

You should know,

Since the never-after ending of us.

Still, I can’t get it out of my head

What I did

Like a girl with a ship

Sending brave boys to sea with stiff upper lips

And the purpose of never returning.

But how many times did I send you sailing

Only to wish you back with the tide?

Wasn’t it cruel of the siren in me

To call you to shore

Just as you'd set your sails free?

And when I told you I loved you then…?

For a person who loves words so much

How could I forget what the word "love" meant

When I promised an entire forever of it

To you?

I know, I promised you a lot of things, didn’t I?

But promises are a lot like young loves —

They’re hard to keep.

And I just kept asking you stay (and turning away)

God, why did you stay

For as long as you did?

Why didn’t you run for your life that day

When I told you I didn’t know how to love you

In the once-upon-a-time way you wanted me to?

I guess love really is blind

If you couldn’t see

That I only wanted someone

To believe in a forever that included me, too,

Even if you had to believe in it for the both of us, alone.

And also,

I’m sorry.

(Maybe that’s all that needed to be said).