The Dark Side of the Moon

“I use to be scared of the dark,

Until you left me in it.

I befriended all my demons,

And now there’s nothing left to be afraid of.”

I've spent a majority of my life afraid of the dark. For as long as I could remember, I have always slept with some sort of night light. Not being able to see what was happening around me left me trying to analyze each shadow and movement in the night. I’ve spent countless nights praying for the dawn.

A few years ago, however, I was forced to spend many nights alone. It was then I really began to appreciate the moon and all of her beautiful phases. Even the dark ones. Most depictions of the moon come from her full phase. When she reaches the brightest point of her cycle. It is the phase where she fits into love songs and perfectly crafted poems.

When she is dark, however, she goes unnoticed. The stigma of the darkness creates a plaque of avoidance. Much like within ourselves, we fill the void with artificial light until the next full phase. Yet, it’s within this void where we truly find ourselves.. Just like the New Moon, it’s in the dark where we gain the strength to create New Beginnings.

It was in the darkest moments of this time when I was forced to face my demons. I learned their names, their individual pains, and each one of their vices. I learned where each one resonated from, and the stories that created their existence. While talking with each one, I came to the conclusion that they were not out to get me. As a matter of fact, they were a part of me. Versions of my darker self that I had created to protect and guide me. At that moment, I stopped feeling ashamed of them and I started to love them. They became my friends and closest allies.

Since then, I’ve carried them with me. Recently, however, I got caught up in the ideologies of another’s mindset. I tried to coax those demons back into the basement of my metaphorical inner dwelling. I started to follow the idea of avoiding my problems, pretending that love and light was the only appropriate way to maneuver through this life. The old pattern of needing to be loved by others was surfacing, and I was neglecting the parts of myself that needed that love the most. So, as a sacrificial attempt at a truce, I dived head first back into the darkness.

Entering this round with full acceptance and knowing, I was greeted with open arms. I no longer feel intimidated or afraid. I know this is all a part of the process. I understand that this part of the phase is going to catapult me into a better version of myself. The dark is different now. It’s welcoming and familiar, and this time as I sit with my demons, they pour me my favorite drink. They ask me all the hard questions. They help me find all the answers as to what led me back here to them.

There are so many negative labels placed on the darker parts of ourselves. We’re conditioned to be positive. Dealing with all of our feelings is frowned upon. Vulnerability and pain is viewed as a weakness. The thing is, trauma is real, and our feelings are valid. Identifying and working through our pain takes an incredible amount of strength. It requires a ridiculous amount of accountability that not a lot of people are willing to have. You either face it and embrace it or you spend the rest of your life running from it. Cycling through both the light and the dark phases of yourself is all a part of the process.