Sometimes My Mind Gets in the Way

The buzz in the living room, kitchen, and dining room flowed throughout the rest of the house as conversations filled every corner. My hand reached to meet another sibling as he, his wife, and kids climbed the stairs from the open doorway. Laughter and running feet echoed from outside. As I stood talking with one of the sisters, I felt a tug on my pant leg and looking down saw a toddler holding himself steady. I knew the moment he looked up; he’d realize I’m not the leg he intended, but from his perspective we all looked alike. Moments later I watched a four-year-old climb to a standing position on a swivel barstool moving to one foot on the counter, one foot on the barstool, a bottle of wine in her left hand as she reached for the cupcakes. My mind visualized the catastrophe that was possible. It was my first time meeting my husband’s family and the organized chaos that flowed brought fulfillment to my heart.

I was five years old when my younger brother was born. My older brother and I raced down the hospital hallway and turning the corner, I stopped in my tracks. That day I became obsessed with the baby I ran to meet. I began mimicking my mom as she tended to his every need. I held my dolls in the safety of my arms whispering sweet lullabies and envisioned a life filled with children of my own. I stuffed sofa cushions under my shirt playing “pregnant” while struggling to stand from a seated position and dreamed of half a football team as my very own family. Life didn’t unfold the way I planned but the desire for a large family never went away.

The day after our wedding, I walked out of my aunt’s house to the patio and once again, my heart was fulfilled. My uncles, aunts, siblings, and parents intermingled seamlessly with my husband’s uncles, aunts, siblings, and parents. The ease of conversations filled the air as though the group we brought together had known one another their entire lives. I watched our families laugh, joke, and play together as though in response to the dreams I had held. My journey didn’t include six children of my own, but I still had the big, wild family of my dreams.

I dreamed of having a large family and envisioned the path would involve having six children. As my life unfolded, it appeared I was running out of time, and I unraveled into a spiral of doubt and fear. My limited mind held only one image of how that desire would be fulfilled, however, if anything is possible there are options beyond my mind’s awareness. When we talk about anything is possible, we stretch the limits of our consciousness. For me, when I pair anything is possible with but not necessarily for me, I stretch the paths in which I envision and remain open to other routes.

When I limit myself to the thoughts in my mind, I can easily dismiss other options and opportunities because my cognitive only has stories and memories to form possibilities. To me, anything is possible but not necessarily for me simply means there may be other options besides the ones in my head. I have toiled trying to make the visions from my mind come into fruition rather than surrender to anything is possible. I think about the saying “When I make plans God laughs” and I’m in awe at how many options are available based on one desire. My mind is too limited to grasp all the possible options therefore by focusing on not necessarily for me I can remain open and allow my soul to lead the way. During the father-daughter dance at my wedding, my dad asked if the day was like I imagined and I responded, “It’s so much more!” I think this is why God laughs. He knows my cognitive mind is limited and He’s ready to show me more because there are no limits to Anything is Possible.