Joshua's longest day

Nobody ever really starts off to be their own worst enemy .....or even a hero of their own making....but such is the case for myself. Growing up in a middle class family of the 80's to early 90's you have someone of the generation x millennial cusp. Watching the digital revolution unfold before them and riding the wave of analog on out. It was thought to be a normal childhood for the sensitive and excited young child of this generation....and for the most part....it was....but maybe I wasn't.

Having no lack for toys or woods to roam in it was quite like heaven....with a pool right next door at my grandparents was the icing on the cake. I remember having what some would call a big heart but also herd it called being too sensitive...regardless...I felt others pain as if it were my own. I remember feeling sorry for the ants I stepped on at times and some of the toys I had been ignoring. I also thought it was my fault that my parents were yelling at night....this was the first times that I thought of taking my own life...which would not be the last for years to come.

The blessing of living in the country was my escape .....I was a short walk from the woods where I could go and have my conversations with God. We went to church till I was 5 but I had always known I was not alone. I always felt watched over and protected so when I was in the woods I would talk to Him cause I just knew He was there....He did not need to answer...I was just glad He listened. Maybe that's why I had the dream I was fighting a dragon around that time period....He was showing me of what was to come.

Between 5 to 9 years of age was when the dragon bit me....I referred to it as when my innocents was lost. The most traumatic thing had happened to me from someone I loved and trusted. I did not realize what I was doing and took it on as a dare....one that embarrassed me but I thought it as a dare that would get me a cigar box of change. Although I didn't get the cigar box....I damn sure got the change....but not the kind I wanted. Later on there was the aids epidemic and I swore that I had contracted it....I was scared to death but I would end up keeping that to myself for many years....my own prison so to speak.

I had always wanted to be a comedian and loved to make people laugh but always wanted them to laugh with me or at me in a non malice way. I didn't like to hurt people but closer to my tweens I changed....I guess the unaddressed hurt and examples I was following caused me to lose sight of myself...which by my teens....was totally lost. I still had a sense of humor....just no sense of self worth or direction. I became chameleon like and lost myself in everyone else....trying to help them laugh and cheer up while ignoring the tears of my own soul...by my teenage years I found a good numbing agent that I would use...and let use me...for almost 30 years.

My teenage life was a popular rollercoaster that I displayed for everyone to see....as long as they were laughing I would be alright. There were times that they got to see the other side as well....when I would quite up and not be able to smile for a little while....it was just too hard to turn the frown upside down. But my senior year was when it first happened...the first time one of what I now know as mania went into psychosis....something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The best way to explain it is that your in your own little fantasy world where everyone knows something that you don't. You sometimes can figure it out but in reality......it's all in your own head....and they have no idea what you are thinking of what they may have said....two different meanings of one situation. It can be scary for both....but probably more for the normal person.

Although I didn't go in the hospital that time.....it was the start of many hospitalizations to come....including turning 21 in one. I can honestly say that not all mental health facilities are equal......although they all have some there to help....some are also there for just a paycheck....and to get their satisfaction of picking on people who will not be taken seriously. The first time that I learned that body language was 75% of communication was from a doctor who's body language looked like he was about to slap the shit out of any of us. But just as mental health is tailored to the individual....so is the treatment. It has gotten better over the years that I have been in and out of the industry...but you must find the right fit.

On to my early 20's and 30's I had started a family of my own and tried my best to live a normal life....but to no avail. I had took up self medicating with alcohol and cannabis with the thought of my episodes being mental breakdowns without a chemical imbalance.....if you haven't herd the saying....crazy people don't know they're crazy.....let me tell ya....it's true.

By my mid 30's I had gotten real tired of the rollercoaster I was on and putting my family through that I decided to seek help. My children had help keep the suicidal thoughts at bay so I went on my own for the first time to get help. It ended up being one of the first times I got on medication for a length of time and found the therapist that helped change my life. I learned mindfulness and opened up about the dragon bite for the first time....this set me down the road of recovery....a recovery in many senses of the word.

Although I could accept that I was bipolar 1 disorder I could not accept the medication part. I had been put on a slew of medications in the past and although the meds I was on then helped....it zapped the life out of me. I had always been artistic and comedian like....it's been my gift. No one ever taught me to play guitar....I just picked it up and started playing but the medication seemed to take that away from me. My gifts had been my biggest therapy till I found one that worked for me....they still are to be honest about it. So back to self medication I went....and the rollercoaster rolled on.

As I went in and out of the hospital I found one that worked and stuck to it....I learned about meditation and toxic traits....I learned my part in them and the people I surrounded myself with.....I had to be honest in order for it to work. I looked at the codependent behavior I had and learned my part in it.....let me tell ya....it's a very hard behavior to break but it can be done. And I finally found a medication that works for me....it took a couple of years with the same case manager to help me make the step but it's been worth it!!! I've been taking it for a year and 2 months..... it helped me to decide to get sober as well.....to which I've not drank or had cannabis in 2 months now.....first time ever since i was a child....let me tell ya....I can tell a difference!!!

The reason I'm sharing all this with you is because God didn't put me on that rollercoaster for no reason. I know it wasn't in vain the pain and torment I went through and put others through. It's to help someone out there who may still be on the ride know that there is a peaceful exit....that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train....but a star to wish on!!! I can honestly say I would not trade my worst day as of late for one of my best days back then....in a way I guess you can say that my life before..... was my longest day.