I Suffered a Terrible 10 Year Depression When I Lost My Job.

That’s no exaggeration.

I became a Police Officer in 2002 and didn’t have the slightest clue about the real world. I was fresh-faced and barely out of University. After a few weeks in “The Job”, I sat in my patrol car and cried like a baby.

The overarching thought at the time was, “What have I done?”

I just wasn’t supposed to be there. You don’t go to University to become a Police Officer. You don’t have the kind of sheltered upbringing I had and then go and wrestle with drug dealers or know how to help someone whose world has just fallen apart.

I had been led astray by false expectations. TV shows portrayed the life of a Cop as exciting and fulfilling. They seemed to spend their time chasing down bad guys, doing something meaningful with the admiring eyes of the public looking on.

Saving lives and looking good while doing so.

I thought this would be a way to get some self-respect. To prove that I was a tough guy who cared about others.

The reality could not have been more different.

I had a tutor I hated, paperwork coming out of my ears, and occasionally I experienced such terror it was all I could do not to shout for my mum. When did I come to grips with my surroundings? When did I become that dashing hero I fantasised about?

Never. That’s when.

My Seven-Year Career in a Few Paragraphs.

I stuck with it for seven years. I never became the hero I wanted, but I did grow to love parts of my job.

I made good friends, made a difference in some peoples lives, was respected by at least a strata of society and occasionally did brave things (although the fear never left me).

Towards the end, I was even studying for a promotion. I had come a long way from the guy crying in the patrol car.

However, early on in my career, I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to an event that haunts me even now. I cannot talk about what happened, but eventually, trauma piled on top of trauma, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had tried everything to cope, but my work was suffering. I had to leave the Police Force.

Seven years since joining, I was now standing in a car park, crying my eyes out to a Sergeant as I tried to explain the trauma that had plagued me for years and why I couldn’t stand it a moment longer. He sent me home, and I had to undergo many stressful psychological evaluations.

The result — 100% disabled for the remainder of my life.

Early Retirement Sounds Good, Right?

I was retired aged 27. I had lost my purpose, my friends and my ambition.

I had lost my standing in society. I had gone from Leon, the Police Officer, to poor Leon, the victim.

I was taking a ton of medication which made me gain weight.

I felt fat, useless and broken.

What started was a merry go round of attempts to get treatment. This cycle lasted over ten years and accompanied a suicidal depression.

It felt like a long hibernation in the bowels of misery.

Silver Lining Incoming!

Fast forward to today, and I am a different person in many respects.

Yes, I have PTSD.

Yes, I am 100% disabled and cannot work again.

Yes, I am on medication.

Yes, I have bad days.

Despite all this, I have rediscovered myself—my TRUE self. You see, I never really felt like myself as a Police Officer. I was forcing myself to adapt to a role. Now I have learned a fundamental lesson:

What you are meant to do will always find you.

It might take a long time (hopefully not ten years in your case!), but in the end, you will fall in love with something — a job, an activity, a hobby — and you will wish you had done it all your life.

In my case, I fell in love with Chess. I started playing for hours every day. I read books, took courses, studied old games played by masters, made friends. I was consumed by the desire to get better.

1200 rating became 1300, 1400, and today I am 1600. I had a sense of achievement at last.

I have also found a relatively new passion for writing. I have fallen in love with words and write something somewhere every day. I am learning how to be a better writer, and I can see myself improving all the time.

I had no experience with Chess or Writing in my previous life as a Police Officer.

We Are Not Defined by Our Work.

So many people work themselves to the bone. If you ask them to describe themselves, they do so with reference to their job.

Even if they hate it.

My dad sold and repaired cookers. He despised it and wanted to be a writer. Yet when he retired, he was like a fish out of water.

He didn’t have an identity outside of work. He didn’t know how to spend his time doing anything else.

You are not just a workhorse.

You are a whole person with dreams and aspirations. If you love your work, that’s great, but you are so much more.

You are here for a limited time. Find as many passions as possible. Make the most of every minute.

It is never too late to start something new. I started learning Japanese aged 38. I started playing Chess, aged 36. I would still have done these things if I was 88.

This is for your encouragement. If you feel your sole purpose in life is to work until you drop, give yourself the chance to consider a new way. Figure out where your passion lies and find the time to get started.

Getting started is the hardest step, but we always find the time when we want it bad enough.

After a shortened career and a decade long depression, I know I am not just Leon, the ex-Police Officer.

I am a husband and son.

I am a writer and Chess player.

I am a reader.

I am interested in Philosophy and Psychology.

Tomorrow I may be something different.

Nothing is impossible!