I am allowing myself to be seen, to be vulnerable

Have you reached the pinnacle of your life when you start to ask yourself that hard question, “Am I truly happy?” You have presented yourself one way and now you are trying to convince yourself that there is something more. There is something so uniquely special about you that is different, something you have not tapped into yet. What is it worth to stay the course and take the safe road? Isn’t it worth taking the risk to bring your soul to a different level – to take that leap of faith into the unknown and risk it all?

This side of me that I am living is not fulfilling and the need to examine a new desire pulls at my heart. Perhaps, I was not noticed as a child as much as I wanted to be and that kept me living in the background of life. I had, and still do have a need to make other people feel special, but I want to feel special.

I think I was always afraid that people would not accept me, I needed that approval from others to feel worthy. It is such hard work being inside this body! Happiness comes in waves. I believe I have an addiction to self-discovery and self-reflection, always trying to figure out who I am. I overthink everything! Ultimately, I am looking for wholeness. I am always believing in the good and not the bad, but evil is out there!

My appetite for abundant life is HUGE and my intentions are REAL! I found myself living two lives, the fun, adventurous person, and the person strapped with responsibility trying to prove to everyone that I could make it. All along, the one person I wanted to be was free. I wanted to relieve all my suffering and align myself with my soul purpose.

I get caught up in the everyday mundane part of life and I lose my magic, my spark. I know that I have created the story that is playing in front of me with my thoughts. Aren’t we all creating our life and how it unfolds? I have learned that I can take that skit back to the drawing board and make edits. I created the hard parts in my life, and I accept that.

I have lived enough to know that self-respect and self-esteem are at the forefront of my issues. I have put people and desires in the lead of my life and allowed other people, and my dreams to fade away. Living this way is suffering, and not worth having. Having a desire and letting it consume me are two very different things.

Everyone seems to be in competition with others, always comparing our lives to them, me included. Isn’t there enough in this world to go around? Can’t we get to a place of feeling happy for others, and not notice the lack in our lives? YES! There is enough of everything on this planet for everyone!

I am allowing myself to be seen, to be vulnerable. I am telling my truth because that is what helps me grow. At heart, I am a very shy person, and risking myself by putting myself out there is terrifying. I am showing my true authentic self. The fear of being rejected is a real emotion bubbling at the surface, but I have lived enough years hiding and being discarded by people, and myself.

For me, to be truly happy means believing in myself, not taking the conservative route because failing at what I do not want is not an option. I am figuring out what I love and taking a leap of faith. I would much rather fail at something I love rather than fail at something I do not love. For that chance I took on a relationship that failed, I am glad I did it. It brought me true love and gave me the gift of seeing my beauty – priceless. For that insane chance I took at jumping out of a plane when I am terrified of heights, it taught me the courage and sheer bravery within myself.

Life does not happen to you; it happens for you. I am getting a clear picture of my desires, taking action to allow them to come to pass, but also letting go of the control as to how they come to me. I once allowed my trauma to define me, it was “my story.” Now, I am perceiving my challenges as something to benefit me to produce beautiful things.

Today I am choosing love over fear. I have spent my whole life fearing the path in front of me because what I wanted seemed out of reach. I was scared to ask for what I wanted because the voice inside of me continued to say, “you are not worthy!”

I am sending that rocket of desire into the world and believing I will get it – it is here. We need to have faith in ourselves, faith in our beliefs. Material possessions and relationships can be stripped away but if we have a belief in ourselves, mountains can be moved. As life goes on, I can lose parts of myself, or gain pieces to add. Am I truly happy? Well, I am gaining the courage to jump into paths that are out of my comfort zone. What I have learned about myself is that I have the nerve, I have the courage to go after my desires, or at the very least try.

If happiness is about being excited to take another route in life or to start anew, then I am happy.