9 Strategies For Authentic and Aware Conversations

Caveat: These strategies come from use in my personal life experiences and belief systems. They are not in any way intended as a substitution for professional guidance or advice.

I hate repetition.

There, I’ve said it out loud.

Sort of.

Almost as much if not more than teachers or presenters reading to me instead of, you know…teaching or presenting. There’s that same resonance of involuntary 'ick face' I feel from both scenarios. I went to school reading at four years old. For damn sure don’t want some overpaid/underpaid person to stand there reading whole paragraphs or pages I can read for myself whether in print or on PowerPoint.

So not cool.

At some point, the realization finally dawned that many falling back to repetitive comfortable speech patterns (cue aforementioned) possibly didn’t know how to communicate effectively. Felt distracted. Or were eliciting behaviors based on internal emotional turmoil.

I had not considered that before.

Chalk it up to the ignorance of youth.

Silly 23-year-old me.

Communication socialization and development.

Not sure of all the mechanics of how society does it and don’t wish to regurgitate what I know. Just want to talk about options. Personal strategies. As many as I can.

I’m no expert, but I’ve been effective in getting complete strangers to open up to me and tell me things they’ve never told anyone. I’ve managed to get frustrated, irate patients dead set on walking out of a hospital to calm down and come back. Team humanity isn’t doing so well right now, but I’m pretty good at addressing individual members and making progress. That’s my strength.

I’ve listened to people say the same things year in and year out. Occasion in and occasion out on a repetitive feedback loop.

I get why the greeting card business has done so well over the years.

Maybe nobody knows what else to say. Easier to just buy words?

I beg to differ.

I believe that over time, unique minds have been surreptitiously silenced. Destroyed. Reshaped and reconfigured into acceptable societal replications often beyond conscious awareness. Zombie apocalypse playing out in stark contrast to movie depictions of old. No one had to physically suck out anybody’s brains.

Eww.

Tragic.

But for jurisdictional governance, compliant, malleable populations make administration “easier” as in hassle-free. Certainly more financially profitable when the populace just goes out to purchase jewelry, chocolates, and dinner for Valentine’s Day because "we said so." Or feels guilty for not spending enough on the birthday cake and presents for the kids. Such persons are great for the local economy. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with people wanting to observe these traditions. The focus here is on uninhibited thought and creative expression.

But who needs a citizenry who will say non-identical and offbeat things?

I do.

I need peculiar people with distinctive minds, offbeat thoughts, and outrageous laughter. Persons who are real and raw, yet caring and respectful of the precious characteristics of others and the way that they communicate.

Perhaps it’s the reason why I gravitate to other languages besides English. I crave diverse style interpretations. I feel that since everyone on the planet is an unrepeatable miracle, why are so many ‘someones’ repeating the same things that they have heard from someone else who repeated what they heard back to some obscure civilization beginning?

It has to start somewhere. I’m starting here:

#1 Take time before you speak

There’s no law requiring you to respond to someone or something right away. You can ask for a minute(s) to think, or just take one. There is no penalty for pauses in conversation. Plus so many ways to communicate without words. Use the heck outta them. Have you ever exchanged a knowing look with someone across a room? Helped a stranger pick up personal items they’ve dropped? Saw deep belly snorting laughter in someone’s eyes mirroring your own during an international conference? Communication by action. You’ve got the moxie for this! You’re about to have a pregnant pause. Give thought to words in your mind. How do they feel within you? How does the core of your being sense things in all of this? Take your time. Unless someone’s life depends on it, you can have a few seconds. Savor them.

#2 Address the first and last thing spoken right away

When responding in conversation or to a question/concern, what was the first and/or last thing mentioned by the other person? Those are emphasis points that are beneficial to take on board in your response first. Why? It conveys immediate validation and understanding. In the case of a person(s) in distress, this is a vital strategy as emotion can interfere with information processing; they probably won’t hear you after the first couple of sentences into a reply. Ensure your first words address the key elements of their message to you.

#3 Let repetition be a radar

Similar to point #2, a person repeating a point or phrase in conversation provides emphasis. An open window into what is of paramount importance to them e.g. “Why do you always interrupt me when I’m on the phone for issues that can wait? It’s not a crisis, and it can wait until I’m finished. Do you realize how inconsiderate that is? When you’re busy, I wait until you have a moment free. Why can’t you just wait?” A 72-point bold underlined font in audio. Listen, take mental notes, and address accordingly.

#4 Make your response the best storybook ending

Every story essentially has a beginning, middle, and end. You are a continuous saga full of highs, lows, corners, and lots of plot twists. Ofttimes external conditions affect you. Color your perspective. But do you know what would happen amid your life saga finding out that you had won an all-expenses-paid, around-the-world vacation? Of course you do!

Adventure and freedom become instantaneous. Chest tightness you didn’t realize that you had released, and you aren’t even holding the tickets yet. What has changed? Words. Words have changed a life status and perspective. They have that kind of power. Speak aloud or silently the events in another’s story that will bring them the most joy, peace, resolution, or whatevers. Envision a short, uncomplicated meeting at school for a friend who feels overwhelmed and exhausted. See with absolute clarity the ideal apartment for the budget-conscious hunting couple who need to vacate their accommodation in a few weeks and are pretty worried. Start with small things and watch what can happen. There’s no ego or praise here because for this technique to be effective, nobody can know what you’re doing. It’s 100% focus outward and works best with genuine and sincere intent.

#5 Embody and embrace the essence of concepts

This is more time investment and not necessarily a quick-fire strategy. Some research and extensive observation is usually required, but once achieved it is a personal power favorite. Can a core theme be detected? Is there a common thread running throughout this dialogue? Knowing what that is, allows an option to relay a resonance in your response. Kinda like those chemistry labs where you crank up the Bunsen and burn an unknown compound down to its essential elements. Is someone badmouthing a co-worker? Complaining about work-related tasks? Taking overall department performance evaluations way too personally and going off the deep end? See any commonalities? Dissatisfaction. Support issues. Stress transference. Can you identify more? How many ways can you address these core issues for resolve? Perhaps zero in on what they are passionate about. How about a joint management decisions fun pool about task allocation? An exhilarating and innovative team-building activity? This is just an exercise. Humans are complex. This may not even be about the job.

Remember that what didn’t happen overnight, probably won’t be solved overnight, but always think root cause.

#6 Avoid clichés and common phrases unless…

Things people always say in response without thinking may feel numb and desensitized for the recipient. Granted, some people like clichés and common phrases. It’s okay if that’s what you were going for. But if you want more than that, refer back to point #1. Nothing feels more carbon copy cut-out than repeating what is constantly said at (insert scenario here_______.) If you are about to say what is usually said, stop yourself for a second. Unless you can put your authentic and genuine heart into what you are about to say to add unique life and light to your words, you may be giving the gift of numbness.

#7 Answer the question

A personal pet peeve hangover from childhood. Nothing says I’m not listening or granting you any validation like giving a perfectly spectacular answer to the question NOT asked. Listen to and answer the question! If you don’t know the answer, say so. But don’t just stop there, go on an answer quest, and bring back your treasures to the one who asked, laying them out like prized artifacts. Nothing says I’m invested in you like rolled-up sleeves, digging, and follow-up.

#8 Acknowledge shortcomings

Honesty can still work wonders. So if someone has been courageous enough to share with you that they are schizophrenic and you cannot wrap your head around what that means for them, tell them that. If you aren’t sure what to say or how to help, tell them that too. Flaws, shortcomings, and idiosyncrasies are relatable since we all have them. They can also break up the tension and make good conversation, great and meaningful conversation.

#9 Be in the moment

Not every conversation is going to be the beacon of brightness. And you have not been mandated the role of the positivity police. This may be the toughest of tips for some. There are times when you may have to sit in the ‘not okay place’ with somebody for a while. Hang out in that awkward spot where it gives everyone the heebie-jeebies and doesn’t smell too good. “Really?” you ask. This is an individual judgment call. Is it someone you care about? Do you feel

comfortable walking away when you know that there is something you could do to help? Are you afraid of saying the wrong thing? Reread and implement #5 and #8. Your dialogue might look something like this:

“Okay, when nervous, I tend to sweat so much, people need full scuba gear. I want to stay and talk with you but don’t want to gross you out. What do you think?” (Revelation and clarification of intentions. Consideration given. Request for input before next steps. This rocks!)

“I’m not sure how to help you. I just know that I want to.” (Expression of limitations. Sincerity. Now that’s powerful.)

“My nervous coping mechanism is humor. I don’t want to offend by laughing if you get upset. Is there someone I can call for you, or do you still want me to stay no matter what?” (Clear explanation. Expressed concern. Solutions offered. Choice offered. The cool lottery jackpot!)

Every interaction is unique. And communication, even under the best of circumstances, may still be a crapshoot. But every opportunity taken can offer insight. The understanding of a perspective previously not held. Improved speech and comprehension.

Poor communication never made anyone happy. You are absolutely human with knowing this you still want to panic and run. A quick glance at the current world status shows heaps of unrest by those who stopped communicating effectively a long time ago.

So you tell me, where do we go from here?

More of the same leading to even worse world confusion and conflict or taking individual ownership and responsibility by moving toward greater authenticity and awareness in our dialogue?

By all means, take a pregnant pause.

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