6:30PM Dinner with Me

It is said that the hardest part of healing is feeling alone, being distanced from everyone and anything that might distract us from the work; and at last, when we submerge, and we look around, we find ourselves rebuilding.

The toughest period has been sitting with myself, learning to trust myself and love myself again, understanding that I am human and taking wrong turns will most likely happen again, because taking the wrong turn often leads us to new destinations we didn't even know about, sometimes those can be part of healing but some times those can prolong the process.

Lately, the conversations I am having, the time I am spending with people like minded, is filling me up and forcing me to finally come out of my shell, is forcing me to understand the time to be alone has come to an end, and that now I am free to be my authentic self, now is time to shine my colors bright, and though I know healing is not a phase, healing is forever, I am so happy to have been able to make it here; here where the flowers are finally blooming, here where the rainbow is finally forming.

It's been so hard to write these last few weeks, I've been quiet and just focus on priority, time to time I get a memory and I allow it to flutter in my heart for a few minutes before gently refocusing, I realized that being gentle and patient with my healing is how I heal. Not everyday is sunshine and rainbows though, there are days I struggle to get out of bed, to smile, to be present, there are days I still cry in my car, there are days I still ask myself " How could you let them treat you like that? " and allow my tears to run their course.

I am very hard with my heart, not because of it's faults but because I am my only protector, and leaving an open door means I am accountable for any damage and I feel that is the part of this whole ordeal that I can't quite let go of; I am passed the "I wish he wanted love" I am passed the " he is a good guy " excuses, it's the "I played with myself to the point where I made myself bleed" seeing myself acting like a dope fiend, twisting my own arm, for what? for another rejection, another text left on seen, a second of a smile I am dying to see again.

I am finally in my feminine energy, using my masculine as drive, as determination to get to the finish line; my feminine is finding her her space to be creative, her own voice, her own choice of music, though I love rap, singing "fantasy" by Mariah Carey always fills up my cup.

I am slowly embracing this new phase in my life, I can't remember the last time I smiled at the thought of myself, everything about me is magical, even the flaws, they are mine, and only mine.

Sitting with one's self is anything but an experience; is life changing. I am on my table sitting at one end; thinking " I have one hell of a table " I wouldn't change anything I've gone through, any moment, any pain because all of it was my GPS to now, and to be honest I can't wait to stare at the sunset when I am 100 years old, and know that I've lived.

XOXO

Lucy