Do Women Still Like Men?

*I'm going to try something different. Below I've decided to share my thoughts on the sensitive topic of dating. Lately, I've seen a trend of men feeling taken for granted. I've felt it too. So I've attempted to shed some light on why that might be, below. Remember that this is purely from the male perspective.*

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I love women, but I'm not sure they still love me. Let me explain.

I'm a single man in my thirties, and recently I've discovered that I'm not the only one struggling. The modern dating world is difficult for both men and women, and loneliness is on the rise. A lot has been said about the experience for women, and rightly so, but what about us guys? What's it like being single?

Let's start with the rejection because there's a lot of it. We all experience rejection to some degree, some more than others. Applying for jobs, promotions, studies, visas, and more. It can add up to dozens and dozens of rejections. It can be hard to take. Let's consider dating on top of this. In most scenarios, it is the man who asks out the woman. If you were to pool together a thousand heterosexual men and women and ask how many of them have ever asked someone out, the results would be extremely biased toward one gender. Assuming that the vast majority of those guys aren't super famous movie stars, then it's highly probable they've experienced rejection at least once. Now here's where it starts to take its toll. Most women aren't aware of how much rejection single men face in their daily lives. So let's try and paint the picture.

As a man, you're expected to make the first move. You could be outside in the real world when you make a connection with a woman. It's a mutual attraction. You share glances, make eye contact, and smile at each other, but then she's gone. Why? Well, how sure can you be that someone actually likes you and isn't just a friendly person? Have you ever had a stranger wave at you, and you waved back only to see their friend behind you? Embarrassing right? Men no longer assume a woman is interested. Because of all the rejections they've experienced, the thought of walking up to a beautiful stranger is daunting and riddled with complicated social norms. If you're a woman and you've never asked out a man, I implore you to try it at least once. It's nerve-wracking, intimidating, and, ironically, you're less likely to be rejected than a man is. Some women get approached so much that their rejection can be sharp and unkind (even if unintended). I've felt it. When a woman makes you feel small and insignificant, it's gut-wrenching, especially when the last thing you want to do is make them feel uncomfortable. This is something that might not be considered in the moment. After all, it's hard to understand what other people experience when you've never experienced it yourself. But this is real life. If you're someone who experiences social anxiety like me, it gets increasingly harder to speak to people you don't know. I have done it, but it takes the right day, the right mood, the right setting, and the right girl for it to happen. That's a lot to ask for. Most days, I exchange looks, eye contact, and smiles and walk home with my head dropped, kicking myself. I can name dozens of instances from this week to years ago when I shared a moment but was too immobilised by anxiety to act. Even when the girl has made it fairly obvious, she has never gone the distance herself, and ultimately I blame myself, and she probably does too.

What about internet dating? Both men and women have experienced rejection there. Most of us have experienced ghosting, had a match deleted, been palmed off, or messed around, but where's the bias? From my experience, online dating is considerably different for men and women. Of all the girls who have ever shown or shared with me their dating profiles, I've witnessed how easy it is to get a match in comparison. It's insane. On average, most women (not all) can achieve matches in just a few swipes. Rarely more than a few minutes of trying is needed. As a man, unless you are in the top 10%, you can swipe for hours, days, or weeks even before you get a match. This might be shocking for some to hear, but it's true.

I'm (somewhat) considered to be reasonably attractive (for argument's sake, let's assume that's true), but I don't feel that way online. If you consider that it could take three or four hundred swipes (considered not indiscriminate swiping) to get less than a handle of matches, it's hard not to feel rejected or dejected. The apps have changed over the years as they've become monetised. I've met one or two guys who don't have this experience because they've been favoured by the algorithm. Most women in the area are shown the same top 10% of guys first because these are the ones most liked, matched and chatted to, so they keep girls on the app. Without the girls, it doesn't work. The rest of the guys are further down the pile, but most girls don't see them because they would have to sift through too many matches and messages to get there. It's exhausting. So, if you're a good-looking guy but not an outgoing, confident man, if you're boyfriend material of any kind but not in the top rankings, you'll find it harder to get a date. Why? Because the frustration we experience forces us to spend money on premium features to increase our chances of getting dates. We fund the apps.

If you're a woman, I would ask you to consider how much rejection some guys are experiencing. From hundreds of unanswered swipes to dozens of ignored messages, we experience it weekly, in bulk. So, let's say we've swiped through a few hundred girls, and we've got a few matches. Does that mean we get a date? No, don't be silly. For many guys, while we might be speaking with only one girl, it's safe to assume she could be speaking to a few guys or at least has the option to. She may even be exhausted from dating the same guys and is now reluctant to waste her time on yet another disappointing date. Who could blame her? This means there is an expectation of being funny, charming, or interesting within the first few messages, which is absurd when you think about it. There is a list of unwritten rules that guys need to adhere to stand out and get dates. Be attractive, be tall, have an interesting job, have no selfies, have a bio, be unique, etc. For a woman, it's not so common to have a bio or to share any interesting pictures because it isn't necessary for them. So, it's hard as the guy to know anything about your match without getting to know them first, but you're expected to be interesting from the outset. The question to the girls is, how can you be interesting to someone you know nothing about? For the successful guys, it's common to use one-liners. I've met guys who use the same lines on lots of women, and they get dates. Essentially, they are 'players', but it's hard to know where to start for the rest of us who aren't like that and don't want to pretend to be something we're not. While most girls who messaged me say nothing more than "hello", if I do the same, it's left on read. If we met in person, it would be received differently. Unfortunately, getting a match can give you anxiety. Not knowing what to say, not wanting to mess it up and scare her off, is stressful. It doesn't take much to lose a match and experience more rejection. It's disheartening.

Men are expected to message first, be funny and interesting, and initiate conversation. We have to try extra hard to keep a match's interest and the conversation going. We also have to be the ones to ask for the date, and we must do it before they lose interest. But, if you do it too soon, you can scare your match away. It's stressful. If you get a date agreed to, it's a nice feeling, but then the dread comes for planning the date because it's on the man to pick the right day, time, venue and everything. You can still lose a date. I've had dates planned and messages replied to up until an hour before the date when it gets cancelled. I've had girls agree to multiple dates, postpone, cancel, and rearrange only for the date to never happen. It's discouraging. This can happen to girls too, but the man is expected to chase and put in the effort, but not many girls will do the same. Now that I'm older, I no longer chase girls because I don't want extra work; I want a partnership. Someone who cares about my existence. I'm hopeful when the girl messages me, and I haven't asked a question. It shows they have an interest in me. I'm encouraged if she turns down my plans for the date but suggests something different; it means she's still interested in meeting. I've come to realise that I have value, too, and it isn't all about the woman but for most men, it takes years to discover this. I've experienced years of rejection and put so much work, effort, and emotional investment into dating it's upsetting that the expectation is still heavily on me.

What happens when we finally get a date. Not always, but the man is often expected to be confident and outgoing, make decisions, lead the conversation, and pay for the date. I only take second dates with girls who offer to split the bill. It's not the 1920s anymore. If you live in Europe, at least it's illegal for men to earn more than women for the same role, so there's no guarantee we earn more. I've worked in a female-dominated industry for fifteen years and am not intimidated by successful women. It's not a surprise to me. There's no stigma or expectation on my end. However, I still often offer to pay even when I can't afford to spend 40 or 50 euros or more for every date I go on. That may not sound like a lot to some, but it adds up. What hurts the most is when it's expected, even assumed, that I will pay. Especially when my date has no intention of ever seeing me again. For me, if we're going to date and share a relationship, I'm happy to pay because it will all work out in the end as we treat and care for each other. But I need to know that I won't need a second job to sustain it because I'm not David Beckham. I tried.

What happens when the date goes well, and you get to the end of the night. Who suggests another drink or a change of venue? You got it. Whose responsibility is it to make the first move? You got it. But how do we know when to go in for the kiss and when not to? There is an expectation of kissing on the first date, but it isn't always necessary. You're still getting to know each other on the first date. There are nerves, awkwardness, maybe. Perhaps the venue made it hard to flirt. A kiss cannot be assumed, but the man is expected to be the one to initiate it. Thankfully, I've met women who find my shyness endearing, and they've made the first move. Sometimes it's a relief, and others, I go home kicking myself, and because there was no kiss, there was no second date. It can be nerve-racking because you don't want to get it wrong. You don't want to assume anything, and you certainly don't want to make this beautiful woman feel uncomfortable. I've been on the other end of it. I had a date with a girl. It was our third date. She came to my place, and we kissed. It was a little awkward. We ordered food (I did), and we talked. I tried hard to keep the conversation going even though I was nervous and struggle to lead conversations when I feel that way. I felt uncomfortable. Afterwards, she decided she wanted something more, but I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to offend her and didn't know what to say, so I went through with it anyway. I was so afraid of rejecting her that I made myself do something I wasn't in the mood for. That might be shocking for some to hear, as we're expected as men to want sex all the time, but that's not always true. Sometimes we're feeling anxious, stressed, or unsexy. As you get older, sex becomes less of a priority; for some, it's never a priority. Some of us want something more. Companionship. Intimacy. A genuine connection.

Men have changed. We're becoming more respectful and understanding, and I think we're asking for a little bit in return. We want to feel appreciated. We want to feel wanted. Right now, some of us feel disposable.

I hope this doesn't read as a rant. It is in no way intended to blame women for how some of us men feel, but I hope it helps shed some light on what it is really like to date as a man. The experience differs for everyone, but the current climate suggests it's getting harder. If you ever find yourself watching videos on TikTok, YouTube or podcasts, you can find an abundance of videos on loneliness and dating. There are comments from thousands and thousands struggling with the current social climate. Men, in particular, have been opening up, but there is still a lot of backlash shaming men for not being manly enough. A trend of women demanding the 'Princess treatment'. Height shaming, and more. I'm just trying to give a voice to some of those guys wanting to be heard.

Thank you for reading.

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**Any thoughts? Does this feel fair? Is it news to you? Feel free to make this a non-judgemental discussion in the comments. Everyone's experience is valued.**

***I wanted to submit this to the Humans community but felt it was a mix of both Men and Humans so I've opted for the new community. Let me know if you think it was the right choice. Thanks.***