Ineffectually effective words

Today I witnessed something that hours later has profoundly changed me.

I was inadvertently let into a stranger’s world when I saw an exchange that spoke volumes.

A husband said something to his wife in front of his children that most would not even think twice about. But I was extremely aware at this moment and I realised something awful about it.

I would like to explain what I realised before i write what was said, as I feel that it may be dismissed as not effectual as so many others have done.

We so easily say to people ‘don’t be stupid’ or ‘don’t be an idiot’ or ‘don’t be so idiotic’ or ‘get over yourself’ even.

It is so easy to say, we all do it, including myself. We say it to children, and adults alike. We even say it to animals.

We also say things like ‘or you could be smart about it’ and ‘use your brain for once!’. It is so easy for us to say these things because we are not actually calling them a name or judging them as a whole individual. We could even go as far as to say ‘we wouldn’t say it to them if we didn’t know they could do better.’ So it’s not an insult, it is simply encouragement right?

Unfortunately it really isn’t encouragement, the word ‘stupid’, or ‘idiot’, ‘retarded’, ‘mental’, ‘deranged’, ‘dopey’, ‘dipstick’, it’s all relative and it’s all extremely dangerous. I am sure there are a lot more words too.

How easy is it to go from ‘don’t be stupid (name)’ to ‘you are stupid (name)’?

‘Don’t be stupid Rebecca, Do the job properly for once!’

This can so easily become –

‘You are a stupid woman Rebecca.’

Obviously there many other ways to say this of course, you are a stupid person, you are a stupid idiot. I could go on.

Now when it is said this way, it is no longer disguised as encouragement, it is a statement of who they are and what they are capable of.

Furthermore if a man had said this above phrase to his wife, as was the scene i witnessed today- it is considered domestic violence, it is a man lording over a woman belittling their self worth.

And yes, women do this too, to men and to women and children, vice versa, I am not biased or sexist. Gender makes no difference to this discussion.

But given the history of domestic violence on women perpetrated by men, and the large amount of drama created via TV and literary sources to perpetuate this stereotype, it’s not a good look to see a man speak to his wife this way.

It wasn’t even ‘you are a stupid person Rebecca’; it was you are a woman and you are stupid. The two became one item, a stupid woman.

There are many other ways to say this, ‘you are a stupid man Henry’, and sadly ‘you are a stupid child, little girl or boy.’

Let’s not forget the tone of our voice too, a dog would feel the difference when you say ‘you stupid dog.’

A father to a daughter, a son to his mother; A teacher to their student; A customer to an attendant; A boss to his employee.

The man showed no remorse when the woman looked horrified at him and then at her children in ear shot and tried to explain how this hurt her so deeply.

He simply said ‘ don’t be so dramatic, you have called me and the kids far worse. You are not one to judge.’

So I thought on this, and I could see how things I have said to my kids, or my friends, or the McDonalds attendant that pissed me off could be used against me the way this man did to his wife.

I could argue and say the above, its an encouragement to do better, not a judgement of character. But truly, it’s not ok.

I have never called someone stupid, but I am sorry to say that the word exists in my day to day encouragement. Those things we say go in their ear and out again but the word that hurts stays.

Hearing ‘Don’t be stupid’ all their life can so easily cause them to not even notice when someone finally says you are stupid.

To them it is simply confirmation of what they have always heard and feared and some even welcome the confirmation and wallow in it.

It is a form of bullying that no one has realised is happening. In most cases it will go unnoticed, but when you pay close attention- you see the light in their eyes go out a little each time and I’ll be damned if I will ever do that to someone again.

Furthermore, if I am to change the way I speak to people, it will teach my children to do the same, and will help brighten the light they carry inside.

Now, in the future when someone calls me stupid, i will know I’m not and I will confidently rise up and walk away knowing that I, myself have not set the precedent to be spoken to like that and they aren’t worthy of my time.

My kids will see this and know it is not ok to be spoken to like this. They will see me rise above it and not accept it. I will be protecting my children from potential domestic violence relationships or from a nasty boss, or vice versa.

I hope that by posting this publicly that the woman and man I witnessed may see this one day and realise I was the woman on the sidelines with a soft smile seeing my own life before my eyes and learn that it’s not ok.

I truly pray that the exchange I saw today was a ‘one off’ and that he apologises sincerely in front of his kids and changes the little things in the way he talks so that it never becomes so easy to call someone stupid so easily again.

I pray that his kids learn a better way. I pray that whoever spoke to him that way no longer has the power to affect him.

I have truly learnt something today, and have decided that my role in my children’s lives is far more important than my need to tell people off. My children are little moulds of clay in my hand and how I behave is how they will behave, and what I allow, they will allow.

PS: this is also a slippery slope to becoming physical abuse too; it’s where it all starts. Never let someone call you stupid. There is not a single stupid person on earth, ever.

Everyone has something special about them, or something they are good at or an ability they excel at. Even those we want to lock away in jail for ever for behaving awfully are still not stupid.

Let’s eradicate these words from our interactions and perhaps make a huge dent in the lead up to bullying and domestic violence in the future.

I can’t think of a single valid reason why a person in all of history or our future, should be told they are stupid.

Can you?