Feeling Insignificant

Lines

Edges

Blurred but there

Where is my edge

Do I even dare

Do I look at where I end and where others begin

Or is it blurred so much

There is no beginning or end

Is this the feeling of not being whole or alive

The cause or the symptom?

The reason to hide

The edges blurred

No solid lines ever put into place

Never nurtured or allowed

Everyone has a role to play

Is that the reason servants appeared

Is that why the ancestors appear

So we can walk a path of healing now

So we don’t make the misjudgements they do.

If this is so then the lines have blurred the practices misunderstood

Taken and emotionally skewed.

Where then is our edge

The edge of self

The edge of our energy

Our boundaries or us.

How do we find them

How do we begin to feel

The edge that is me

That doesn’t feel real

Yet I know in my being

The very core of myself

That my edge is so expansive it can not always be felt

But the small little me deep within does not see

The only thing seen is how to agree.

Time for reflection and to feel the edges of the wound

Time to clean and irrigate the deepness of the wound.

Looking at this through a different lens, I wonder if the reason the family traditions began, was because someone didn’t really want to participate. They didn’t want to be present feeling the heaviness of the present moment. So they thought back to a time when they were young and the family celebrations that they enjoyed. But in some emotional way, they skewed that moment into something it wasn’t and created a long-held but skewed and ever evolving tradition of sorts.

A way to cope and pass on the pain that they no longer wanted to carry alone. Parents or grandparents passing on to children and grandchildren. Aunts passing on to nephews and nieces.

Parents blurring the lines from parent to sibling rivalry. Teaching everyone they have a place and a role and never deviate from that role, never upset the boat and change the course. Yet if we look at our family history, we see that each generation has grown and evolved in its own way.

So what then is this blurred line these blurred edges of not feeling adequate, insignificant or inconsequential?

This feeling of being unloved.

It’s a story written on my young child, rewritten most years until well into maturity. a story of a baby born and parents not wanting to accept anything less than their version of beauty. The moment at the birth of not being good enough or acceptable but becoming marginally acceptable and eventually cute and chubby. The words you can't possibly belong to us! Someone must have given us the wrong child etched into my cells but not for eternity.

Trained to please from a very young age to feel significant and to gain my space so that I the child can exist fully in this world.

People pleasing became the theme throughout life.

Sitting here now reflecting on this. I feel the edge of the wound that I should not exist.

Why should I not exist is my question.

Why is it that someone else can be made to feel like they have a right to exist and others don’t?

What is it within a family dynamic and the roles we are assigned that creates this type of separation wound?

I wonder and ponder as I sit and feel the edges of my own existence and whether I should be allowed to be here.

Something I have heard comes to me. You’re a waste of space I don’t even know why you’re here, you have no value you can't do anything of any use.

I'm here to heal!

To heal lifetimes of pain and disconnection. I’m here to heal myself and the lines to come in the family and in doing so my job will be done.

But I did not share this.

My inner child just sat and withdrew. Once again not accepted or acceptable.

The only thing acceptable is servitude to the family line, yet I don’t believe that now.

I believe that these things come up in the people that are here to begin the generational and cultural healing that has been set into us.

I feel my inner baby, child, teen and adult. I know that this has been carried with me all of my life. I feel the wound yet I cannot feel the expansive edge of my energy but I sense the flimsy parts of my energy. it is time to reinforce those.

How? With energy and golden light, deeper nourishment, art and writing. Letting the sun's rays and the moon's light fill the gaps and weave the pieces whole again.

Breathing in and out as I do.

Feeling the baby within and knowing she is relaxing calming and melting into my energy is a beautiful feeling.

Feeling this I ask myself am I Inconsequential? Am I an insignificant wasted space on this earth?

NO NO NO! definitely not

Do I believe it fully? Not yet but I believe it more now than I ever did.

This has been such a huge part of my whole life and its impacted everything I've done and the things I've been too afraid to do.

It's taken me to places where I have wondered why iv acted that way.

It has also made me feel like when a child screams and cries that the child needs rescuing especially if the parents begin to get frustrated or agitated or take their time because the baby has done it for hours.

For me, that feels like they need to be rescued.

I needed to be rescued from those that didn’t value me or see my beauty.

That’s what it is!

That's what I feel

The edges that have been filmed over but not solidly healed

The places of the aura

The energy of lifeforce

The feelings of the heart where the energy is a rough point

Families are the bain of us and the love we are

They hold us and defend us

Or they destroy and pull us apart

Families teach us many things.

Who we are and who we wish to be

But through it all, we feel our wounds and the wounds that stretch back through the womb.

Are you healing?

Are you aligned

Are you people pleasing and need to unwind?

Listen to your heart

Listen to your soul

Feel into your boundaries and the lines of who you are.

Are you being truthful with yourself?

Do you feel an inner conflict residing within?

Then maybe you too have blurred lines.

Maybe you Have a fear of being Unloved.