An Excerpt My Journal During My Schizoaffective

I wrote this journal when I was sick with schizoaffective. In the beginning, I wrote a lot and had a lot of detail. Towards the end, the details become hard to understand and not real. I was confused, and it did not make much sense. The following blurbs will go from day one to about the last few days before my hospitalization. The journal will mention religion and other aspects of the Catholic faith, combined with my delusions and hallucinations.

This is less than half of my journal

2022

July 19th:

started to experience smelling a sweet smell while driving

July 24th: I started to see colors, but the colors were just reflections from the window.

I had a dream of a demon dog, and then the face of Mary appeared

I had a better understanding at this point. At this point in time, I started to believe I was having a religious experience.

July 27th: I started to think everyday things were a special sign from God. I started to experience tapping on doors and windows and someone touching my shoulder. I saw a red flame outside my kitchen window.” another sign from God.” I started to associate colors with goodness or God. Blue and tan were two major “good colors.”

July 28th: I started to hear Gregorian chant upstairs in our bedroom. This data is crucial as I started to lose touch with reality. My confusion started to begin to escalate. I should have contacted a healthcare provider but I could not recognize this. I appeared normal to others, and no one noticed the change in my behavior. I started to hear the Our Father prayer and other responses I would say during mass,

“Lord have mercy” - in Latin

“Holy holy holy” - Sanctus

“Lamb of God” - Agnus Dei

Around Aug 1st: I thought I was hearing different choirs of angels. In the evenings, I would hear female angels singing. Sometimes the choir would change to male voices. It was pretty beautiful, even if it came from my mind. I started to feel tugging on my shirt. I thought it was the devil. I started to hear voices more, heard someone say “hello” while in our van. Started to hear murmurs from our basement. I kept on seeing symbols on our neighbor's house. I thought these symbols were religious symbols. I was later able to forget about them. I figured out the symbols were coming from the AC window unit. I started to see the shadows of people—black shadows and sometimes glimpses of people that were not really there.

August 4th: we had our house blessed after I reported my experiences to our local priest. The blessing of the home went smoothly. In my opinion, there wasn’t any alarm for intervention due to the common practice of a house blessing. I started to think pigeons were giving me messages from God. I thought one feather falling to the ground was more of a sign. I later eased off on this obsession and started to obsess about other things. I started to hear church songs, “Were you there.” I heard two male voices talking, but I couldn't figure out what they were saying.

Visions: I would close my eyes and see different images or shapes. I thought that symbols, shapes, and images were from God. This experience was a major part of my sickness. I relied on these images and looked forward to having them. At this point, I was so saturated in the experience that I forgot what was linked to a mental health crisis and what was considered normal.

August 5th, 3:30 AM: tingling sensation in my feet and knees. I thought I heard the flap of angel wings and saw our bedroom curtains being pulled shut, and blackness fell from the curtains and landed next to our bed. I also had some black angel above our bed. This hallucination scared me but reinforced my beliefs. This was another piece of the puzzle of the sickness. I would continue to have similar hallucinations until I became hospitalized.

I heard voices from children and women. I saw shadows come out of our basement. This startled me, and I was vacuuming when this hallucination occurred. I became obsessed with Warsaw, Poland, Saint Faustina's diary, the country of France, and past historical events involving the Blessed Virgin Mary. The pro-life movement also became a significant part of my sickness. I want to clarify that the sickness did not ruin my pro-life stance. The world's end was also part of my delusions throughout my sickness. I continued to be obsessed with the Blessed Virgin Mary, angels, and many other aspects of the catholic faith.

August 7th: A male voice told me to leave our children's room. That scared me but again reinforced my beliefs. I even thought that the headaches and soar throats that I was experiencing were from the devil. I started to see blue orbs at night as well. I would hear screaming and people saying, “Help me.” I couldn't figure out where the screaming was coming from. Around this time, I saw visions of a book being flipped through. It consumed me then and confuses me now. At the beginning of August, I continued to hear angels singing. I also started to speak with a priest about my situation. I started to see flashes of lighting during the day, even if it was a clear day. I thought this was some sign from the Blessed Virgin Mary. I also would hear voices saying prayers or phrases telling me what to think or do. Children's voices I heard as well.

I started to think I was an apostle

I started to write more in my journal

Hallucinations increased

Delusions increased

I thought I had a special calling

I had a common vision of people lying on the ground and/ or standing in a line. I would see shields and different designs on a knight's shield. None of this made sense, but I would consider how the “visions” correlated with my faith.

I had continued delusions and hallucinations even after my hospitalization.

I didn't want to bore the reader, so I stopped writing. My symptoms are pretty consistent, and nothing “new” comes up.

I was hospitalized September 1