When You Love Someone, It Is Ok To Give Up
Giving yourself permission to walk away from abuse.
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Recently I was scrolling through my timeline on Facebook and I saw this photo, it said, "When you love someone you don't give up, ever." I stopped for a moment and thought about that. Normally in a healthy relationship I would agree. In an abusive one though, this sentiment is like a jail sentence.
For 15 years I was in an abusive marriage and I loved my ex. He was my husband and the father of my children. I had fallen in love with him at first sight. Over the course of our relationship though, he abused me in every way possible: physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and financially. Many people have asked me, "Why did you stay?" My first reply has been, "I loved him."
Love. Yes, I loved him, but did he love me? No because abuse is not love so really when you get down to it, what held me there? Well, I saw him as a troubled man. He had been abused as a child and I put up with his temper, his outbursts because of that abuse. I made excuses for him and believed if I loved him enough, if I showed him what unconditional love was he would heal and become the man I knew he could be. Wow that sure makes love a powerful thing.
I was also held there by my wedding vows. I had vowed to love him for better or worse and I believed the worst part was the abuse. How could I break those vows? I couldn't or at least I didn't think I could. I am a strong believer in God and I believed I would be letting Him down, breaking a vow with Him, if I walked away from my marriage, so I held on. I held on through name calling, the fear and the threats on my life. I held on through it all.
What changed it all for me? I have referred to him as my ex, obviously we are not together anymore, so what broke me free? I was talking with a woman who ran a program for abused men. A program that was supposed to teach these men not to be violent. In so many ways I knew I had to leave, but I could not get past my vow to love him through better or worse. She looked at me and said, "Do you think you are really still married in the eyes of God? Your husband has broken every vow you two ever made so really what is holding you there?" It was in that moment that I stopped and thought about what she said. What was really holding me there? He had already shown in so many ways that he did not love me and like she had said my ex had already broken our wedding vows. It dawned on me then that nothing but my will to love him and never give up was holding me there. I could let that go. I could be free. Once I realized that it was like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I also realized that God does not sanction abuse so He would not want me to be there either. I. Was. Free! Finally.
Once I realized I was free my life took a complete change. I was able to start planning my safe escape and start divorce proceedings. None of it was an easy process, in fact it was the hardest time of my life. I had to make sure I and my children were safe because he was not too happy that I was ending everything. I created a Safety Plan, reached out for support and was able to break free.
If you find yourself caught in an abusive relationship please know that love or marriage vows do not need to hold you there. Give yourself permission to walk away from the abuse and to love yourself first. I know it is not easy to make that break because sometimes he is nice, he is sweet and yes he says he loves you so how could you walk away from that? You walk away from that because he is not always sweet and loving. Often he is hurting you and you deserve so much more than that. You deserve a love where it is ok to never give up because the other person loves and cherishes you in return. Trust me, it is out there. Until next time....
Peace,Janet
If you are thinking of leaving your abusive relationship I encourage you to create a Safety Plan. Scroll down the page it opens to download it for free. Are you a Survivor needing support? You can sign up for a Mentor, someone who has been there, and receive free support and guidance all via email at Verbal Abuse Journals.
About the Creator
Janet Rhodes
A mum, a Survivor of Domestic Abuse and a woman who battles PTSD. Sharing to Empower others!
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