What it's like to be divorced in your twenties.
Read this if you're thinking of pulling the plug on your marriage.
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I remember being sat where you are right now.
My husband was on his second affair (he was an awful liar so it wasn't like he could ever hide it) and I was tired. There were so many complications. The house, the mortgage, the dogs. I couldn't have children and that is ultimately what broke us. My life was practically the narrative from "The Girl on the Train", well without the murder part but equally horrifying and depressing.
Though I must confess, I never made it all of the way through that film. I began watching it and there were too many similarities for it to be comfortable.
I took a look around and saw the foundations crumbling. After his first affair I tried to rebuild, tried to get back on track and ultimately blamed myself. But looking back on it now, I realised that there wasn't anything I could have done. We were doomed.
My husband then announced his mistress was pregnant. The final blow. The last smack in the face. The straw that broke the camels back.
Suddenly, I was done.
Can I just tell you now that it is okay to be devastated? My break up was dramatic but even if yours wasn't, maybe you just grew apart, it is completely okay to be griefstricken. You never get married expecting it to end and it can be hurtful and people can get bitter.
So, walk away. Take some time. Go abroad, go home, go camping (go wherever you need to go to sob uncontrollably and eventually begin to feel better).
If you are like me, you may not have many (or any) friends left from before your marriage. It can feel lonely and it took me a while to rebuild my life. I got a cat and he kept me going (yes, I know that's sad) until I had sorted myself out.
I now have two cats... and a fantastic group of friends I met by stepping out of my comfort zone. I tried everything I wouldn't have done before, joined the gym, signed up to pole fitness, started Krav maga.
It took me two years before I even thought about dating again, and even then, it wasn't something I considered when I bumped into my man and my life changed again.
Now I am engaged, I was much wiser this time, we took things slower and I am very happy. Getting divorced isn't the end of the world at all. Sometimes it is exactly what you need to do to begin feeling like yourself again. Take some time, find yourself, and do all of those things that your marriage prevented you from doing.
I took up pole fitness, paddle boarding and Krav Maga. I got a cat, went back to university and started to enjoy my life again. It’s easy to get caught up with the shame of your divorce (even though it’s not shameful at all). Try instead to get excited by all of your possibilities.
Sit down now and write a list. What have you always wanted to do? Where have you always wanted to go? Think about hobbies. Think about the things you want to learn in the next few years.
Married or single, your life can be one big beautiful adventure and your divorce doesn’t have to hold you back. It’s true what they say, when one door closes, another one opens. Keep moving forward.
I also hold on to this key thought: make it a learning experience. You’ve had something fall apart on you, why? What went wrong? What characteristics did your ex have that clashed with you? What do you know to look for or avoid in the future?
Learn and move on.
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