Two Minds

When it comes to the big ‘L’ I’m of two minds; maybe even more minds than that. I’m not just talking about romantic love either, I mean love in all its forms - romantic, platonic, family, self, all of it.

For those of you who have been following my profile for sometime, you’d be well aware that it’s been quite the roller coaster for me when it comes to love in all its forms, especially in recent times.

Some days, I really fucking hate the idea of love and want absolutely nothing more to do with it. I think to myself, “Fuck this shit and fuck all of you. You can all just go and get fucked and fuck off on the horse you rode in on!” BAH!

Other days, I yearn for it. I yearn for it so much that it brings me to tears and I wonder if I’ll ever find the kind of love that I’m looking for. Of course, maybe what I’m looking for isn’t possible. Maybe it’s too far fetched; a fantasy.

Note: if anyone comments that I have to love myself first, I may lose my shit completely. Like, far out! I know! I’ve read all the self help books too!

Look, I might as well get all of this out now, ok?

It’s worth noting that other humans confuse the shit out of me and that I undoubtedly confuse the shit out of them. I just don’t understand the rules, and there are so many to follow, especially in society and it seems even more so in love.

Don’t get me wrong - rules, boundaries, needs, they’re all a necessity, but what I struggle with is trying to follow them, especially when the goal posts keep getting moved on me. I will always respect and work hard to give those things to others; adhere to the list of demands…sorry, I mean rules…sorry again, I mean needs, but then for it to not be given back in return most of the time? Like, seriously, what the fuck is that? I mean, fuck! I’m not perfect. Who is? But my (broken) perspective on all of this is that I have needs, boundaries, flaws too. Things that I hope are accepted as much as I accept others, but I don’t know. It seems that I’m expected to accept how others are and what they want to get from me, yet if I ask for even the smallest thing in return, usually something very similar to the other person or people, that somehow how it’s way too hard. How I behave is too hard, I’m too hard, I worry too much, overthink too much, I’m just too much and I get kicked to the curb for it and blah, blah, fuckin’ blah.

Can you hear those violins playing in the background as I write this?

But now the other side of the coin…

I think it’s also worth noting that the kinds of love that we’re all talking about here is about connecting with other flawed humans, right? I will forever be in struggle town over that one….most likely, anyway.

But what is it that I really love and that makes my heart sing? I mean I do have a deep love and passion for other things - food, film, music, writing, books, coffee, the quiet, my couch, my bed, my books, cups of tea, binge watching Netflix, my apartment, drinking a good quality whiskey or gin, and so on.

But where did all that stuff come from? Why I do believe that it was humans! The very thing that I struggle with the most in life is the very thing that has created all of those beautiful, wonderful things that bring me such love and joy in this world. If it weren’t for the creative minds of humans, none of these things would be in existence.

So you see my conundrum….

I struggle with humans, humans struggle with me, yet I need them. I need them to keep creating and coming up with the things that bring me life, love, peace, and joy in this world.

As for connecting with humans on a more personal level? Pfft, I dunno. Maybe that’ll forever be a confusing mess of a mystery to me - but maybe that’s ok?