The SWAMP Joke project.

The SWAMP Joke project.

As a writing exercise, I want to see IF I could write racist jokes.

Obviously, as a Straight White Alpha Male Privileged and as a liberal, I don’t want to write racist jokes but as a writer wanting to stretch themselves, I do.

So as Liberal Straight White Alpha Male Privileged (Or SWAMP for short) there is, obviously, only one racial group I feel comfortable picking on…. My own.

(NOTE: I am Very Proudly NOT an “Alpha” male!)

I am going to try and create 21 racist anti-SWAMP jokes.

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1 )

You are so SWAMP…

That the Music Factory has produced and compilation of all that you said last year

And called it

“Now That’s What I Call, It Should STILL Be Inoffensive to Say, Vol 3!”

.

2 )

You are so SWAMP…

That all you married cousins,

Up to and including the ones that are theoretically “Twice removed”

Have STILL, Somehow, managed to share the same second name.

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3 )

You are so SWAMP…

That Vampires think you are too pale!

SO, pale

They would rather starve than touch your gross sweaty neck!

.

4 )

You are so SWAMP…

That abstract concept of the sport Basketball took one look at you

Gave Up

And turned itself into a wastepaper basket and a ball of paper

And YOU STILL always miss!

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5 )

You are so SWAMP…

That raiding Vikings storming the beach of Angleland from the 10th Century

Would consider your idea of acceptable sexual politics..,

…A bit, disturbingly, on the wrong side of basic.

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6 )

You are so SWAMP

That you are immune to any real consequences to raping everyone in the entire office you work at

BUT ONLY IF…

That office is part of the Activision Blizzard group

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7 )

You are so SWAMP

That your family's most prominent genetic trait IS…

That they are All born with compulsive fake joyless smiles.

.

8 )

You are so SWAMP

80s cameramen calibrated their equipment

Using your sloped forehead instead of using a piece of paper!

.

9 )

You are so SWAMP

That even the god Ashur thinks you are too creepily Babylon!

.

10 )

You are so SWAMP

That when You are found naked,

On a pure white, freshly laid, virgin snowdrift, in bright sunlight.

You are actually EASIER to spot

The snowdrift will be all the parts that look a darker cream colour.

.

11 )

You are so SWAMP

That Durex simply does not make a product size that small.

.

12 )

You are so SWAMP

That if your gene pool was an actual pool

You could leave toddlers playing in it safely,

Without Any parental supervision.

That’s how shallow it would be!

.

13 )

You are so SWAMP

That you still prefer to use old-style porn mags,

Rather than using the internet!

.

14 )

You are so SWAMP

That Satan herself feels like she needs a shower,

After having to talk to your offensive arse!

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15 )

You are so SWAMP

That God is glancing sideways at the rainclouds of the world

And is reconsidering that whole keeping her

“Rainbow Promise” idea.

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16 )

You are so SWAMP

That you simply cannot understand why people bother to buy swimming flippers

What's wrong with all their toe webbing?

.

17 )

You are so SWAMP

That Cthulhu would love to make a public apology for your existence

But the poor thing feels far too embarrassed to show its face now!

.

18 )

You are so SWAMP

That Karren's of Midwest America called

They are asking you nicely,

To turndown that baseless sense of entitlement down a small notch.

.

19 )

You are so SWAMP

That the aliens won't invade

There is no point attacking a being so white,

That ALL their laser fire bounces straight off!

.

20 )

You are so SWAMP

Gregorian chant is the only thing close enough to music,

That is Lacking enough rhythm,

For you to safely dance to without looking stupid!

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21 )

You are so SWAMP

The dullest bank in the world called yesterday

They want to offer you,

Sight unseen,

A mid-level management job

.

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