The Pain of Letting Go

It hurts you know? Having to let go. So many memories and smiles, but now it's just pain and sorrow. I find myself wanting to pick up the phone, desperately needing to hear your voice. But, I know it will only hurt worse in the end. It's not fair. It's just not fair.

I remember begging you everyday to give me just a few minutes of your time, but you were always too busy. I felt like nothing I ever did was enough, I know now it was enough. You just didn't want to be loved, and you didn't notice how far I would go to make you happy. Clean house, clean car, clean clothes, dinner always ready. Id do anything for you.

I know you would take me back now if I would just let you. And sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I just want to come running back. But why put myself through the same hell all over again just to be met with the same outcome. I have to protect myself and my heart.

I hope you're happy now. I would never wish the pain I'm feeling on you, no matter how bad you hurt me, no matter how bad you fucked up my heart. I hope you found someone who you finally give your time to. I hope you find someone who will love you at least half as much as I loved you. I promise no one will ever love you like I did. I hope you found someone that you won't lie to like you always lied to me. And I also hope you don't destroy her like you destroyed me. Being destroyed by the one you love most is not a pleasant feeling. I will always be here for you no matter what just not in the same way.

Maybe it was the drugs that screwed you up, or maybe you just didn't feel the same way I did. You would think after six years we'd be married and living our happy ever after, but that's just not the case. I hope you get better and can defeat this addiction before it defeats you. I worry every night we are going to get the call that you were found on the bathroom floor with no heartbeat. I couldn't imagine burying the one I spent the most time with.

I really don't know why I am spilling my heart out on paper. Maybe that's what I need for the pages to hear my words that I won't dare speak to anyone else. You say I was the one in the wrong that I left you and it's all my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault for no longer wanting to get my heart broken everyday. It's not my fault that I no longer want to cry. It is my fault for dealing with it for so many years, and believing it will finally get better. It is my fault for allowing myself to suffer and not doing anything about it.

No matter how bad it hurts now, no matter how fresh the wound it will get better. There will come a time I no longer miss you. There will come a time where I go days or even weeks without thinking about you. There will come a time I no longer yearn to be in your presence. I will get over this. I'll make it through this dark, lonely, sad time. There will come a time I meet someone new, even though I can't even imagine being with anyone else right now. But my time will come and I will be happy again. Until then I hope you know you destroyed me. I will never forgive you...