Soul Feeling

I sit down to write and empty all this overwhelming feelings, and I draw a blank. The music is playing and it been a very heavy and hectic two weeks and all I want to do is empty my soul of all these feeling I am taking on. It becomes too much. I don't like these feelings, mine are too much, taking on someone else feeling are extremely overwhelming. Guess that is the downfall of someone who is a Empath and has Boarderline Personality Disorder.

The music Plays to try and drown out all the feeling I do not want to have, as the music plays and the words are sung the words describe the feeling I am having and than I reach for the colour wheel to explain the overwhelming feeling I am having and just to look at it becomes to much. So I put it away as my head becomes to loud with all these voices and noises. So I turn the music up and I try to drown everything and every one out and I reach for my pipe to help fade it out even more and block everything out even if it is for just that 10 minutes of fog.

I remind myself that there is many people that are counting on me, so giving up is not an answer and not an out that is an option. I tell myself, I can have this moment and in this moment I can be weak and allow myself to have these feelings and when that door opens I need to wipe these tears and put these shoulders back cause those people out there depend on me to be the strong person, to be the leader, the one the moves this train, the strong one. I don't want to be seen as weak or broken one. To me this is not an option, nor will this be allowed to be an option. I will allow myself to cry and allow my self to feel and break, only in the privacy of my shower or my bedroom with the music going, so that none knows. (In my own reality of BPD).

I have never liked Physiologist/Therapist or been one to like to talk to someone, over the years I have learnt that I need It and it is a must for me to have a person that I can speak through with these feeling, they become to strong, and I am often confused with the overwhelming of what the specific feeling is meaning and this is where the colour feeling wheel can help in feeling over stimulated of feeling and emotions, most of the times it is an emergency phone call or text message to my Therapist for the Quick 30 minutes session. This helps me to calm down and Identify exactly what I am feeling and Identify why I am feeling the exact feeling. I am able to think more clear after speaking with my therapist. With BPD, I also use writing and poetry as another coping skill. Other people use music and paint their emotions and feelings.

Have you asked someone today? if they are okay?

Boarderline Personalty Disorder can be a Disability that can stop someone in there tracks when life becomes to much, so it is important that services are in place for crisis emergency. It is also important that family and Friends are aware of this mental illness and all of the attachments that come along with this mental illness, You never know when an attack is going to happen even if said person is medicated and or treated under a therapist. Mayo Clinic: Boarderline Personality Disorder